Sex

This keeps coming up over and over. I decided to date a much older married man about 4 years ago I mean like 24 years older. At first we had ok sex. For the record, I do care for him and I do respect him. He would get to the point where he was always asking me for sex and it got on my last nerve. Up until about 2 years I always had the best sex life. Not a ton of partners but maybe a partner that I was compatible with and we would have sex actually he was my attorney and it was something that was not supposed to happen but it did. It quickly became something we could not stop nor did we want to.

I was going through some legal stuff with ex etc and we would be in court and I would be beyond uncomfortable but it turned me on in the oddest way. We fucked in every crack and crevice in that office and we might still if I would show up there. You know one of those people you cannot get close enough to while you are having sex and you always get off together. The mutual respect is there and you get along wonderfully. However, you do not live together you just fuck as much as possible then carry on. You often find yourself day dreaming about your next rendezvous. He did just that one day and called me out of the blue and said "get me some Viagra" I am like what you don't need it. He said he did not care he had a fantasy and we were going to do it.

His fantasy was a cheap motel, thigh highs, and a sexy little skirt with a bustier and a jacket over that. I wore my black stillettos and did I ever play the part and looked sexy doing it. He talked me into taking part of the Viagra. In about 20 mins I was ready. He ripped my skirt trying to get me out of it. I went to sit on top of him and I looked at him and he was green. Long story short he had an allergic reaction to the Viagra and we got to spend our entire afternoon at the ER.

I guess my point is I don't have that anymore. My current boyfriend is too old and I question if I am too old. I rarely think about sex until here recently. I miss it. I know I could go have sex but I want the mind blowing sex and connection like my soul just left my body and his did too. I still have the desire but I find myself thinking will I ever have sex again? I sure hope so!

I like that, instead of an annoying captcha to screen for spam bots, you have to look for the most recent active word on the home page. I like it even more, because the word I had to enter was "sex," which is highly appropriate for an erotica writer and sexual education advocate. And the color I picked is called azul, which means I will have to eventually use the phrase Azul Sex for a band name or a story title.

Sex.
I’ve been reflecting on sex a lot recently…
I am not an incredibly sexual person, and can be fairly reserved in my own experience despite how readily I support open sexuality in others.
However, despite my prudent nature, I am undeniably and increasingly drawn to the act of loving someone in this way, if I feel committed to them.
Maybe the best way I can ever hope to describe it, is through the analogy of religion.
To so vulnerably share the home in which I dwell, is not easy for me. This temple has been vandalized before… But I long for the fellowship.
To allow someone to brush their lips and fingers along my bare flesh, to let down my guard and give in to the response of my own body- the goosebumps, the sounds that escape my lips, the involuntary arch of my back…feels naked in a much deeper sense of the word.
To open my heart, my arms, my legs, the inside of my body? With the risk of being hurt or devalued? It reminds me of walking into a church, hoping that I find God and not some pastors condemnation.
To crawl into their arms and love their body with all that I have, to pour myself into them with the hopes that what I give can be enough to convey their significance to me… feels like a pleading prayer.
The movement of our bodies and the disinhibited release we find, feels like baptism.
For me, maybe sex is as much a spiritual experience as it is a physical one.
I am not a very sexual person, but when I have found a holy dwelling built between our bodies, I want nothing more than to come home to it… To find eternity there.
So, if I give you my body, please let me love you down to the core of my being. Let me show you my devotion with every moan like a song of praise. Let me come undone beneath the power you hold over me, simply by loving me. Let me worship in the house we build, made of tangled limbs and dancing tongues.

#77: She was originally a a friend-of-a-friend whom I had known for about fifteen years and had only hung out with one-on-one a couple times. I tried coke for the first time with her, had her show me around a few bars when I was traveling, and fingered her to orgasm in a hotel room once. We knew that we were both very sexual people, we had always vaguely flirted in a noncommital way, and she didn't seem interested in doing anything else with me, so I assumed that the hotel room thing was just a fluke and we were ultimately just going to be friends. She hit me up out of the blue one night asking if I'd be interested in fucking her silly, as she was in a dry spell that was really bothering her. There was something honest and inoffensive about it, and at the same time something crass and unflattering about it. I agreed to meet up in another hotel room and show her a good time. We had sex for what felt like a very long time, and it was either one session of sex or two, depending on how you'd count it. The sex was okay, and I recall being amused by how she held my dick like she was playing a flute while she went down on me, and how she lightly punched me whenever she had orgasms, then laughed and apologized. I let her give me a blowjob and came in her mouth far more than she expected, eliciting a muffled laugh halfway through. She said something to the effect of "I thought you were done after four or five pumps, but you just kept cumming. I didn't budget for that!" Very shortly after, we had sex again and I had an orgasm in her girlyhole, which she had said during her online flirting that she had really wanted me to do. I mean, she didn't say "girlyhole", but still. We only had one encounter, and while it wasn't unpleasant, I'm uninterested in another.

#78: I had just finished a performance at a kink event and addressed the small crowd of a few dozen people, saying that I had arrived without any company, was going to be hanging out all night, and was in the market for a plaything. She was the first person who approached me and asked for some of my time and attention. We arranged a scene, and I was topping her while another young woman went down on me, and she suggested that she and the other woman switch places. She then treated me to an absolute performance of a fellatio session while I topped the other woman. I got a vibe from her that she wanted to continue this, so I let her know that we could meet up again outside of an event. Not long after, #30 and I had an extraordinary threesome with her. It was the first threesome that I had had with #30 in years, and she seemed enthusiastic to make up for years without sex with another girl. This girl gave me some of the best dirty talk I had ever heard, thanking #30 for "sharing this glorious cock with me", begging me to "use this pussy", and lots of talk about "every inch" and "so good" and whatnot. If I were casting actresses for hardcore porn, she'd be a shoe-in. We had sex once, over a long period of time, that first night, then in the morning had sex three more times because we couldn't stop turning each other on and needing to fuck again, then later had standing sex in a shower at a kink event.

#79: She was the one who was going down on me while I was having a scene with #78, and she had also spent a long while going down on me at an earlier party. At the same kink event where #78 and I had shower sex, #79 was one of the people who wanted a kink scene with me involving sex. I had doggystyle sex with her in the woods in the middle of the night on a spanking bench while another man barked orders at her and a woman took photos. She cried out "I'm a dirty slut!" into the night and seemed to be having a great time, as did the rest of us. We later had sex a second time at a kink party that #78 and I threw. She was very excellent at oral sex, and delightfully eager to perform it whenever the opportunity arose.

#80: She was another one of the people who wanted a scene involving sex at the same event. I and three other men carried her into the woods, and after she was tied to a tree and softened up for awhile, she was coincidentally taken to the same spanking bench, where I tied her legs in a way that pulled one up higher than the other. While she was going down on me, I felt her teeth drop down on me in response to every particularly hard caning, spanking, paddling, or flogging. It wasn't really until I moved behind her and started fucking her doggystyle that I started to become aware of the growing audience that had gathered a respectable distance away. I love an appreciative audience and the idea of entertaining a crowd with my sex, and it's always been perversely fulfilling every time I've done it. But like with #79's scene, I didn't have an orgasm. I honestly felt like even though I was asked to fuck her, I was still just performing a service for her, and it would be inconsiderate to focus too much on my own pleasure. In the moment, like #79, I was fully acknowledging how extraordinary and wonderful the scene was, but also with a sense of detachment, like "I am currently using my penis to show this lovely little thing a good time. It's cool that I can do that for her. Also, I suppose this feels good, too." There was something that felt nice about the impersonal, objectifying... I guess reliable-ness of my role? That I could be depended on to fuck someone and give them the kind of experience they want, and I could do that "job" reliably and not complicate it with any of my irrelevant emotional needs. That sounds kind of sad, but it felt really fulfilling. I want people to find me useful and valuable to them. To truly feel that is as good as an orgasm.

#81: She was yet another woman at the same kink event as #78, #79, and #80. She was "forced" to go down on another woman (a friend of hers) while I fucked her doggystyle and she was handcuffed in a jacuzzi in the woods in the middle of the night. Again, no orgasm from me, but she was so good at going down on me that I had to go back for seconds, taking off my condom and telling her to go down on me until my dick was clean of the condom's lube. A small group watched from a distance, and another woman shot an up-close video of it. Honestly, it was really, really hot.

#82: She and I had flirted with each other at a few events, and it was ambiguous to me whether she was genuinely interested in me or if she was just generally flirty with everyone. #78 and I were having sex publicly at a kink event, and she approached us, eager to observe. I asked if she was also eager to participate, and she immediately joined us on stage. A guy (who many identified as her partner but who insisted he was just a friend) took a couple pictures and videos of the three of us fucking. It was pretty damn hot at the time, and she has a body and an energetic, playful energy that made her especially delightful to have sex with, but I was left with the vague impression that she had no particular interest in repeating the act. Not that she had a bad time, but just that I was someone to fuck her with another attractive woman in front of an audience and not someone that she wanted an ongoing... anything with. Which isn't a bad thing at all. If you're not misrepresenting your intentions and you're not hurting anyone, then it's fine. It's no sin to disappoint someone who's gotten their hopes up more than they should. Anyway, holy shit, she was fun. We only had sex the one time, though.

#83: She and I had flirted for awhile, and eventually with #78's encouragement, we had sex. In total, we've had sex four times, and #78 was always present. Among the things that stood out to me were that she whined about wanting to be my "slut" when we fucked. We may or may not continue to have sex, but if we do, I imagine that it'll be as friends.

#84: She was the one participating when I had sex with #81. With an admission of "I'm always up for getting some dick" and #78's encouragement, we had a threesome. She bragged a bit about her oral sex skills, and she didn't disappoint. I stood at the end of the bed as #78 watched, and #89 demonstrated an uncanny understanding of how to properly work a dick.

#85: She and I had flirted for a long time, but I had convinced myself that it was never going to progress past flirting. She expressed interest in a relationship, I just wanted to be friends, and we concluded that a sexual relationship might result in her feelings getting hurt. But over time, she started to feel more confident that sex with me would be safe and that she wouldn't get emotionally burned by a friends-with-benefits thing. She asked to have a turn one night as she shared a bed with me and #78 while we were having sex, and then she began performing oral sex rather abruptly. Sex with her was delightful, and like #78 (whom she would later also have sex with), she was extremely expressive in bed and always had seemingly earth-shattering orgasms. We've had sex eleven times, always in #78's presence, and I expect that we'll continue to be friends with benefits.

Thought retracted. I don't think I should have posted something like that in my then mental state, now I just want to keep understanding where my needs are taking me and simply accept it. It doesn't need to be anyone else's concern what I want to get into unless I make it their business.

Above all, it goes like this:

My body.
My rules.
No one else's.

Unprotected sex addenda:

#25: I was working in a library computer lab, and she knew that she could come playfully distract me whenever I had a shift. Back then, I sometimes wore tight pants, and she would delight in flirting with me and rubbing up against me so she could see the outline of my hard dick in a semi-public place and point and tease me about it. "That's OBSCENE", she would say, with a mischievous grin, her gaze fixed on my dick, and her hand still on my thigh. One of these times, she encouraged me to take her into a nearby public restroom and fuck her, and I obliged without putting much thought into it. We made sure no one had spotted us, and I took her into the handicap stall, where she put her hands on the wall and I put one hand around her throat and used the other to slide her leggings down. She panted and whined as I slid a finger between her labia and confirmed that she was absolutely drenched. She reached back, pulled my cock out, and started aiming it into herself, and I started sliding the tip into her and feeling how warm and slick she was. But I quickly remembered that we didn't have a condom or any other form of birth control at the time, and that I've never trusted the pull-out method. I suggested that we put our sexual antics on pause and resume them later at her place with a condom, and she tried to argue that it would be okay for us to have unprotected sex. I brought up the pregnancy risk, and she said in a disturbingly casual way that if she got pregnant, she could just put the child up for adoption. A lot of feelings flooded me at the moment, and I flatly rejected the idea. I may have said something about how we shouldn't be so cavalier about... well, making people. But I manually stimulated her for a bit longer as we cooled down, and we left the restroom without having dirty raw-dog toilet sex. I started carrying condoms in my backpack, but we never ended up repeating the public restroom thing.

In another incident, we were having an especially dom/sub-energy night, and she was both teasing me with her nude body and submitting to me in that languid, limp, submissive sexual puppet kind of way. Knowing my own condom policy but briefly ignoring it, I held her body while sliding the tip of my unadorned dick just barely against the threshold of her vagina and asking her what my name was. She didn't answer at first, and just whined softly. I asked two more times what my name was, and on the third time, she said my stage name into my ear, and I immediately plunged into her, provoking a cathartic moan as she wrapped her legs around me and gasped, mouth open and muscles clenched. I gave her a dozen good, long thrusts before withdrawing and reaching for a condom.

#54: I've broken condoms a handful of times. One time was with this lovely woman. I didn't actually realize that I had busted the condom and was wearing it like a dick-tutu when I pulled her close to me and ejaculated deeply into her, but when I slid myself back out of her and saw that my soldier had doffed his armor prematurely, my natural reaction was to flop it upon her stomach and say "WELP." She reassured me that she was on birth control, and we laughed it off.

#58: One of the moments that stood out to me was in the middle of foreplay when we were both naked and she was on top of me. She was grinding her pussy on my cock, and I had grabbed a condom and was in the middle of taking it out of its wrapper when she whined adorably "but I just want to feeeel it..." then whispered "just for a second..." as she slipped her pussy over it and sank down while digging her nails into me. I tend not to allow unprotected sex with anyone other than close, tested partners, so this wasn't a usual thing. But it felt amazing, and all STI tests since have come back negative, so I've filed it away as a positive memory.

#71: This was another first. I was at a bachelor party in New Orleans and was having a good time, but decided to swipe around on Tinder in case there was someone else in the are who might want to meet up and keep me company later. I wasn't strictly looking for sex, and would have been thrilled with someone who just wanted to chat. I ended up connecting with an employee of a voodoo shop with a shaved head, who arrived at the place we were staying with her tall, male coworker with her. She explained that she told him about the Tinder match and he wanted to meet me and make sure I wasn't a dangerous creep. After the three of us talked for awhile, late into the night, he eventually gave me his seal of approval and left to go home and sleep. I was the last of the bachelor party who was still up, and I quietly took her into my room, avoiding waking up the friend who was sleeping in the next room. We had some pretty awesome sex, and followed it up with a shower. I still think she's awesome and occasionally keep in touch with her.

#72: She had been a friend and show-partner for awhile, and we had performed in the same shows and co-produced a few at that point. I don't think that we were at any point really courting each other, but we're both intensely sexual people and twice found ourselves alone in my house after shows and wanting to spend some of our pent-up post-show energy with some cathartic fucking. It was refreshingly emotionally detached. She gave no signs that she was interested in a relationship, so it was just a "welp, we're both perpetually horny, let's go ahead and give each other some orgasms" thing. The second time that we had sex, I remember that we started stripping off each other's clothes while in the middle of a completely irrelevant conversation, and we transitioned into fucking on a couch so immediately and casually that someone listening to our conversation in the other room might have no idea that we were having sex until she started cumming.

#73: I had met her on OkCupid, and we alternated between talking and going for long stretches not talking over the course of a few years. It took awhile for me to feel like she was genuinely attracted to me, and before she moved out of state we met up in person two or three times to talk, and at one point make out. After she left the state, I ended up in her city while traveling for work, and we fucked twice in my hotel room. The sex was great, and a fantastic culmination of several years of chatting more and more flirtily. We plan to meet up more and have some more long-overdue sex.

#74 and #75: These two were friends who I met through the kink community. They wanted to have some scenes with me, and I picked up on an interest in sex, too. I was the first to suggest that among the many things we could do together, sex was also on the menu. #74 enthusiastically picked that option, and #75 warmed up to the idea after seeing me and #74 going at it. I had sex with both of them twice while they were lying next to each other. It was my first threesome since #56 and #57 about six years earlier, and I really indulged in the opportunity to have sex with someone while someone else was watching and eagerly waiting for her turn, and to keep alternating until both felt like they'd had enough orgasms for the night. Threesomes have always gotten the best performances out of me.

#76: This was a friend of mine whom I knew primarily through the kink community and for whom I don't think there was ever any flirtation. I met this person before he started transitioning from a woman to a man, and sometime after the transition was announced, he told me that he was interested in sex with me, especially before the testosterone that he was taking started having obvious effects on his body. I think that he was worried that with me being straight, the window of time for me to be attracted to his feminine body was closing, which was something that he needn't have stressed about. We both enjoyed the sex quite a bit, though he tacitly rejected the idea of performing oral sex and I tacitly rejected the idea of anal sex. Nope, I just fucked him in his dang ol' vagina until he had one of those adorable whole-body-shuddering-and-contorting orgasms. We only had sex once, but we've left open the possibility of repeating the experience, and he still sometimes sends me pictures of his boobs unprompted. I take every opportunity to assure him that he's attractive, and that I'm into it.

#69: She was a friend-of-a-friend and a roommate for most of a year. I kept things platonic and didn't even flirt for a few months before eventually mentioning like I liked her. Turns out she had felt the same way the whole time. We had sex pretty much right away, and had sex fourteen times in total. She was light, so it was easier to pick her up and throw her around, and she stayed up late like me, so we had many fun nights fucking until five in the morning. It felt perfect. I would ejaculate inside of her, then we would just hang out and cuddle naked for awhile, until I would say something that would make her laugh hard enough to shoot my cum back out of her. She would say "god damn it" in the same way every time and run off to the bathroom to clean up. I really liked her, but she stopped being friendly and seemed to lose interest in me fairly abruptly. On her drunken insistence one night, I had anal sex with her, which was the first and only time I've ever done that with anyone. It seemed to work great for her, but I couldn't manage to get comfortable with it.

#70: Alright, this is a weird one. The gist is that a guy offered to pay me to put on live sex shows for small audiences if I could find a partner who was into it. A friend introduced me to a girl who he said was interested, and after meeting her, we "rehearsed" in a hotel room with her boyfriend watching from across the room. Not what I thought I was going to be doing that day, not how I would have preferred it, but it ended up being fairly pleasant regardless, although quite awkward. She held my penis at one point and asked me, "Do you mind if I... uh... oral?" which amused the hell out of me. At the time of this writing, we've only had sex once.

S-E-X...Sex....it's that simple. Like most, I place far too much significance on it than need be. Basic mechanics, in/out/in/out, nothing more. If/when we invoke our emotions into it is where issues can breed. Love,lust,like,hurt,pain....they have no business marring a perfectly natural&pleasurable experience. Whether it's the nerves beforehand or the regret afterward, Sex should be forever thought of as...one simple act...that's it.

I've fucked so many people I have only a vague idea of my "number." Thank god for condoms.

I've fucked so many people, I actually found myself skimming the recently-posted numbered account of someone's sexual history, just in case I was in there.

I still might be.

#60: I met her at a sex club and we had sex once. Oddly, I didn't really feel up for sex that night, and I was a little offended that this girl was cozying up to our table to hit on a friend of mine and ignore me. But after my friend ran off, she turned her attention to me, and we ran off to a room together. She was an energetic and pretty stripper, and I remember being a little offended that she squirted all over my clothes. I encountered her once again when I invited her onstage at a show, then never saw her again.

#61: She was a member of our circle of friends, and we clicked in a lot of good ways. Academics, performers, sex enthusiasts, etc. We had sex three times and it was really sincere and enjoyable. I feel like there's still a lingering "we're both busy people, but the next time our paths cross..." vibe between us.

#62: Welp, this one just cheated on me and dumped me for a second time, so... hmph. Between the two times that we dated, we had sex somewhere around 30 times. Probably not more than 35 times. When I think I'm going to be with someone forever, the tally that I run in my head of the number of times we've had sex gradually shuts off. She was a dancer, which worked out great in bed, but I often had trouble connecting emotionally. Our sex often felt like it was really just for her, and that I was just there to get her off. Which can be okay if that's what you expect, but when you expect lovemaking with a soulmate and get "smash my clit so I can meet my orgasm quota for the week" it can be disappointing. But that might just be a bunch of misplaced angst about other relationship issues. This was the first person I called my girlfriend who cheated on me by breaking major relationship rules about sex with other people. As far as I know, at least.

#63: She and I worked together on a series of shows that I did on the road. Hints were dropped that she was into me, she offered me her place to crash instead of driving hours and hours back home late at night, I convinced myself that she was too negative and unpleasant to spend my time with, then a "fuck it" moment took over. She went back to being negative and unpleasant after we had sex. Big shocker. Still, no regrets.

#64: Another first! Someone I met online specifically for sex! I don't remember how exactly we met up. Maybe Tinder? Something skeezy that felt out of character. We chatted on a webcam and showed each other our genitals, as is apparently customary in this sort of thing. I remember her saying over the video chat that she wanted me to "pound [her] with that". I met up with her at her apartment and obliged. Before sex, we spent some time talking about some difficulties in her life, and I tried my best to reassure her and give her advice. During sex, I remember being surprised that she wanted to kiss me so much, and surprised that I was a bit bothered by that. After sex, I kept in touch with her a little bit, but there seemed to be a tacit understanding that it was just a one-time thing.

#65: Oh my, she was fun. A friend I dig like crazy, who's beautiful and passionate and involved in the community and a joy to be with. Awesome little kickass daughter. Cooldude on-and-off poly boyfriend. Anyway, we were hanging out one night and I think I initiated. She was tiny and thin, so I tried a bunch of rockstar porno moves where I was picking her up and fucking her with one arm on her back and whatnot. I tried fucking her against a wall and it was immediately super awkward. I realized that I didn't actually have a clear idea of how the physics was supposed to work. Like, her back was against the wall, so I mostly had to penetrate her in an up-and-down motion, so then I wasn't sure if I should keep her in one place on the wall and kind of do squats up and down with my legs or what? So I tried for a few seconds and was like, NOPE, BACK ON THE OTTOMAN. She was tiny and I was afraid of pulverizing her cervix, so I told her to tell me if I was going too deep. She replied "Not possible" and I continued with great aplomb. We've only had sex once.

#66: She was a straight-up Asian massage artist / model, which I couldn't help but remember was the description that guys in highschool would always use for a hypothetical perfect fantasy girlfriend. The sex was great, and I was honored to have it twice with her. When I picked her up, she remarked that I was "stronger than [I] look", which gave me a momentary "so you think I look weak and useless?!" pause before shaking it off and continuing. She was the first woman I had ever been with who expressed interest in actually seeing me cum. She took her mouth off of me when I said I was about to have an orgasm so she could hold it and watch with a delightful grin. I really digged her, and we got along great, but a bit of pressure built up and we hit a "wait, which one of us wasn't texting the other enough?" snag that we never recovered from. Nowadays, I often see her in the incredible fetish/sex modeling photos that she shoots with her current partner.

#67: Not much of a story. This was a friend with whom I was never really flirty, beyond those one-armed friend-hugs. We hung out one night with friends, then everybody left but the two of us, then she got flirty and I thought it would be a great stress reliever for both of us. I remember it being really hot and sweaty, and her being really distracted by the fact that we were having sex for a long time (well, something like an hour) without me having an orgasm. Like, negatively distracted. She kept apologizing for being bad at sex, and she really didn't need to, and the groove-disrupting apologies were definitely the worst part. Still, not altogether bad. She's a sweet girl, we're still in touch, and I recently invited her onto the board of a corporation I formed for a mutual interest of ours.

#68: She had just split with her partner and was looking for comfort with me and #30. We had known her for years and ran in the same activism circles. We were just planning on the three of us platonically sharing one big bed, but that went out the window quickly. I'm not sure if it was her or me who started touching and initiating. It was a little weird, being unplanned sex with someone I had known for around ten years. #30 didn't participate, but cheered us on from the other side of the bed. We only had sex once.

It happened in an instant of escalating sadness, and it ended with a familiar lie.

#50: With how casual my sex has become, I nearly felt like I was betraying this girl by having sudden, passionate sex with her on a couch after a couple months of tense, restrained flirting. She stirs up familiar, strong, scary feelings in me, and my desire to pour my affection into her physically is at odds with my revulsion to the idea of considering her another casual fuck, or allowing her to resemble one. But for awkward, quiet, someone-sleeping-in-the-next-room couch sex, it was really fantastic.

#51: She had flirted with me a few times at shows, then started flirtatiously chatting with me on Facebook. I decided to give her a chance, and we had some pretty fun sex once. When she was going down on me, though, her bottom teeth scraped the hell out of my frenulum, and it hurt for days. I regret that that's what I remember most about the encounter.

#52: She walked up to #30 and me and asked "Would you guys be interested in having a threesome?" She seemed so reserved and shy, so it was a slight shock to hear it from her. We answered in the affirmative the moment the speechlessness wore off and had delightful sex once. I had hoped that it would happen again, or at least cement a more permanent friendship, but she disappeared from our lives soon after.

#53: There was thinly-veiled interest in having a threesome between her, me, and #30, but it only became a possibility after she broke up with her boyfriend. We only had sex once, but it was especially enthusiastic, sincere, and satisfying. She went down on me like she was trying to give me a memorable experience, and it totally worked. The mutual interest in more threesomes continued, but she entered into a monogamous relationship soon afterward.

#54: We had flirted harmlessly for quite awhile before there was any acknowledgement that we could actually hook up. She was a pretty, intelligent, and agreeable girl whom I had known for years, and she had a similar interest in casual sex, so it seemed inevitable. Something about the sex didn't quite work for me, though. Something felt artificial and insincere. I can't blame it on any particular thing or person, and I certainly couldn't describe the sex as unpleasant, but when it concluded I felt like there wasn't any interest in trying it again.

#55: She was my first "swinger" hookup. I had gone to an event at a swing club and felt terribly out of place for most of the evening. After awhile, I figured I might as well start approaching women and attempting to initiate some sort of sex-negotiation. Which felt as awkward to do as it was to type just now. Anyway, she was the principal of an elementary school and caught my eye as especially flirtatious and quite attractive and fit for a middle-aged woman. And, come on. Elementary school principal. As the night wore on and it came close to closing time, I asked her if she was interested in having sex. She shrugged and followed me to another room, unexpectedly summoning her husband. She explained that she doesn't do anything without her husband present, and I feigned being totally comfortable with that. She hopped up onto a table and laid on her back as her husband started fucking her. She fished my dick out of my pants and sucked on it for a little while, then her husband and I switched positions. Something about her husband being there, both of them doing really clichéd "talking dirty", and the whole impersonal nature of the encounter was really unsatisfying for me. I didn't get off and I just stopped having sex and left after it appeared that I had gotten her off.

#56 and #57: Two girls that I fell for but, as usual, couldn't keep in my life. #56 surprised me by kissing me on stage one night. I had assumed I was out of her league, but I asked her girlfriend, #57, if she was actually interested in me, and the next thing I knew we were all naked in their bed, keeping the neighbors up with multiple sessions of sex, and holding a lengthy, impromptu blowjob contest. I had sex with #56 four times and #57 twice. The sex was the best I could ever hope for, but I would have given it all up to have kept everything from falling apart. #56 deserves better than to be trivialized on a list of my sexual encounters, but must be included for the sake of completeness. I just have a bad habit of falling in love with girls that I'm inconsequential to.

#58: I don't really remember what led up to me hanging out with #58 at her apartment, but we had been mildly flirtatious before and acknowledged physical interest in each other pretty quickly. Sharing a couch became holding became snuggling became kissing became WHELP, GUESS WE'RE NAKED NOW became nice, slow, long, comfortable sex, which we only had once.

#59: We were at an outdoor naked bacchanalia and seemed to both be on the lookout for potential flirts. We chatted for awhile, then ended up having sex on a bench, lit by a bonfire.

My first was a co-worker in a factory I was at. I'd like to think she was genuinely interested in me since she seemed to hang around me alot, but in the end she found out that I was a 25 year old virgin and wanted to break me. (Granted, sex for me wasn't really a thing back then because I just didn't care if it happened or not.) We had a slow day at work and got sent home, so she drove me back to my place and we watched Young Guns and ate Pizza King. She got me to give her a back massage which she kept leading my hands down further and further and we wound up on my bed less than an hour later. I remember it being nothing like I had thought it would be and it was over far quicker than I imagined it would be. We had another day off a couple days later and did it again, this time it was everything I had heard about it. The sweat and the smell and the feeling and that climax together at the end. It was amazing. We saw each other and had sex everywhere and when we could for another couple of months until she decided to go back to her ex boyfriend. Three months after that, she called me up again and we decided to start dating. It turned into the longest relationship I ever had. During our 8 years together, I found she was bisexual and she brought many girls over to the house for her to have and share or for me to watch and play with, but not have sex with. (We left that decision to the other party most of the time and I agreed to it. I'm not going to argue over getting to watch two women have sex with each other.) We are now broken up. Long story.

My second was a girl that my first brought home. She was a fiery redhead who was very sensual and the best kisser I have met. After she and my ex had finished getting off, I decided to take a chance and leaned in and started kissing her on her neck. She reciprocated and started kissing me back. We kissed for more than ten minutes that night at one time. That's how good she was. That entire night, we all had sex with each other until the sun came up and we passed out from exhaustion. I woke the next morning with the two of them giving me a blowjob. That was the best night of sex I have ever had. We wound up pulling her into our relationship for over a year. The three of us all being a couple. We would sleep in the same bed and have sex all the time. I've never once had a bad memory of that year we had that triangle going. She left us later on to move back to her parent's because her mom had grown ill. I have always missed her.

My third was a friend of my second. She had just been kicked out of her house and was sleeping on the couch of their place. Somewhere along the line my second and her started having sex together and they were talking to my first about a threesome between them and the possibility of a foursome between us all. She approached me one day while everyone was out of the house and we ended up in bed. She wasn't the best at sex. Mostly just laid there and took it. She had huge tits, though. 44DD if I remember correctly. It didn't go over with the other two well because I wasn't supposed to have her like that without their permission and it caused her to have to leave. I get the feeling there were other factors involved there, but it was never quite clear enough.

My forth was another girl my first had brought home. She came in towards the end of the relationship. She was all of 18 years old when she was with us. Had never been with a couple before and was shy of women. It turned my ex off that I was able to pleasure her more than she was. So it ended up being me and her having sex multiple times while my ex watched. We still talk to this day and we still have sex every now and then when she comes into town.

Number 5 was my rebound after my first and I split up. It was a one-nighter that started as a completely drunken make-out session at the bar and ended up at her place. She was a fire-cracker in bed. Very flexible and knew how to use her body. Only wish I could remember alot more of it than I do. Never saw her or talked to her again after that.

My sixth was a co-worker. She stated to me one day that she would like to come over and I said yes. We talked for awhile before she jumped on me. She was a great girl in bed. We had sex many time after that.

Number 7 was another co-worker who was taking a break from her relationship. She was a very sweet and innocent girl at work and it blew my mind to hear her text me about sex one night. I ran with it to see what she would say and she started coming over to hang out. We finally got to the point where we could start kissing and fooling around, but she never wanted to take it that next step. Finally one day she did. She was an incredibly sensual person who loved to touch and be touched, as I would expect from her knowing how sweet she is at work, yet when we had sex she became a whole new creature that cussed and screamed. It really turned me on. She went back to her relationship, but we both like to joke with each other about our times together and we've been better friends because of it ever since.

Number eight was a good friend that invited me over one night. We had some drinks and watched a movie and ended up having sex. We did it one other night after that. I've never understood what happened with that situation, but since then she has grown more and more apart from me as a friend. I was trying to see if could become more than just friends before we did have sex, and she told me she wasn't interested in that, but I always wonder if that had something to do with it.

Number nine was a girl from Indianapolis I had met online. She is an amazing woman that I am still talking to. The only thing that keeps us from becoming more is the distance between us. She is a very sensual and sexy black woman who I had a great night with only once. I've been trying to get back down to her to have another night like that, but she has been busy alot. I'm beginning to think she isn't interested anymore. Again, the distance between us...

My tenth was another woman I met online. She lives in Marion and invited me up for a night. I didn't know what to expect. We went to a bar where she goes alot and hung out and drank. As she got more drunk, she started becoming wilder and wilder. She took me home and stripped me down and we had ravenous sex. I feel bad because while it was awesome and wild sex, it just wasn't what I was wanting, so I never got off the way I wanted to. There was always something in the back of my head telling me it wasn't right or something wasn't working. I ended up staying in Marion the next night for some reason and I could tell she knew I wasn't comfortable, so she gave me a blowjob when we got home and said she wouldn't feel so bad if we didn't have sex again. We fell asleep and halfway through the night my sexomnia kicked in and we had the most amazing sex of those two nights. I still do not know what was holding me back that first night and I still cannot pull whatever dream I was having when I started getting her worked up that second night, but I was glad that it did. I would have felt bad if I would have left and she would have been unsatisfied that whole weekend.

...and there you go.

Was wanting to say something entirely different with this topic until I started reading other people's thoughts on it...now I'm thinking of making up my own list of sexual misconducts....

The first time was everything I'd hoped for and happened in the early stages of a growing friendship. He was the epitome of a cool older guy to me, and for many months I had taken slight offense to his flirting because I didn't think I had a chance. He was my first real kiss, who evolved in a short time to the first guy I fooled around with. He was always sweet and considerate, especially the first time we had proper sex, and continually made sure that I was comfortable with everything going on. When his cock first slid into me, he asked if it hurt. It did, but I liked it, so I said no. I knew that I couldn't hope for him to be my boyfriend, and I didn't have any delusions that giving him my virginity would change that. It just meant the world to me to be so close with him, to feel so wanted, and to truly have all of him for a while. Walking was uncomfortable for a few days and provided an aching reminder of the fun I'd had, like the muscle pain you have for a few days after a good workout. We had sex many times after that over the course of many years and a relationship, and each time left me with a feeling of being totally satisfied with a physical connection to someone I love. I've heard often that girls end up hating the first guy they have sex with. I was lucky enough to give it up to the guy that ended up being my best friend.

The second time was with another close friend. We were both shy and awkward about it, him moreso than me. Weeks of sharing a bed and bags of wine led to kissing, and kissing led to fooling around. I ended up initiating most of our physical contact. We shared a life devoid of money and full of the drama that surrounded us, and our sex reflected a mutual release. We never said we loved each other, though in retrospect I suspect that we did. The first time we had sex instead of fooling around was the first time he took initiative and followed a long, emotional day for me. The times he took the lead are still some of my favorite sexual memories.

The third was a one night stand. I'd known him a few years prior, and he was back in town for a little while. He was sweet and persistent, despite my initial lack of interest. After a week of failed attempts at getting intimate with me, I ended up fucking him in the back seat of his car. It was fun until he said he loved me, at which point I promptly panicked and wrapped things up as quickly as i could. I felt guilty and avoided him for the rest of the time he was in town.

The fourth was kind of a friend and supposed to be a one night stand. When I invited him over, I was uncertain whether I wanted casual sex or not. But as he started expressing interest, I so enjoyed the attention that I decided to go for it. He fucked like he had something to prove, and his insistence on leaving immediately after made me feel like he'd presented a challenge. After many more encounters, I won the challenge and got him to stay the night. Morning sex was awesome. The relationship that evolved afterward was hit and miss.

The fifth was an old friend that I'd been spending more time with. He stayed the night, and we made out while watching some movie that neither of us paid attention to. He asked at each junction if I was okay with what was happening, what I wanted, and what he could do better. Despite the sweetness, it was awkward, and it made our friendship uncomfortable afterward. The snuggling was nice.

So last night I had a really weird, really intense sexy dream about a friend of mine I only see about once a year. I hope I've forgotten about it by the next time I see him cause I'm going to be all awkward otherwise.

#40: Another friend who also engaged in casual sex with mutual friends. It seemed inevitable. She was a bit dull during the two times we had sex, but I remember her having an unusually fantastic pussy. Very well-shaved and... I suppose tighter than usual, or maybe with some unusual texture to it. It just stood out to me.

#41: She had been a friend through college and we had flirted and fooled around a bunch, but her extra-small pussy and my extra-large cock made sex all but impossible until we eventually made a Herculean effort to fuck and succeeded three times, each time only barely before she couldn't handle the pain. I took her virginity and hope that her sexual experiences have gotten better since, hopefully with a more anatomically compatible partner. Poor girl. :(

#42: A friend-of-an-acquaintance, turned friend-of-a-friend, turned full-on friend, turned long-distance occasional lover. Very enthusiastic in bed and adorably whined out "thank you" upon orgasm. Her yoga came in handy in the four times we had sex, half of which were part of orgies.

#43: A very endearing friend with whom my flirting one night began a longstanding relationship that we've yet to fully figure out the terms of. We've had sex four times and it's always been pretty damn awesome.

#44: Part of a circle of friends who make up many of these recent numbers, whom I've never known well or been particularly close to. She suggested it. We did it once. It was good, as far as sex goes. I felt a little strange about there being even less of an emotional connection than usual.

#45: An online admirer whom I got to know and from whom I accepted an invitation to come see her and fool around. We did once, and the sex went on for a long time and was really nice. I think we were both trying to impress each other.

#46: Another online admirer who invited me over. She told me that I gave her the first vaginal orgasm she had ever had from sex. Could have been a medalist in the fellatio Olympics.

#47: A woman in my circle of friends whom I had encountered a lot over the years, but never really known. #30 was going down on me at a party and she walked up and expressed interest, and all of a sudden she was on my itinerary for the orgy that happened later in the night. Several of the people at the orgy commented that we looked really hot fucking and that I seemed to do a good job with her, which was nice to hear, especially since I was drunk enough to be straddling the line of sexual efficacy. She was lovely and I really enjoyed finally experiencing her.

#48: Part of this circle of friends who watched on jealously as #47 got railed at the orgy and then sheepishly flirted with me. Wonderful body and fantastically tight pussy. Actually, sometimes too tight. I learned in the two times we had sex that I had to be gentle.

#49: #42 brought her to me, and hungrily watched alongside #30 as I fucked her. I had never met her before, and couldn't help but smile when we shook hands and hastily introduced each other immediately before my cock went in her mouth.

#30: Another one of the great loves of my life. Everything was pretty much perfect about sex with her, and I could give her orgasms endlessly. I have also had more threesomes with her than anyone else.

#31: An old friend of mine with whom I had flirted and who all but swore off the idea of having sex with me, despite fooling around a few times. When an opportunity came for her to have a threesome with me and #30, her mind changed.

#32: I met her at a party and hit it off. We sneaked off into the attic to talk, then very gradually started fooling around. I was really cautious about making any moves, since I didn't know her, but she reciprocated, and we slowly progressed to having long, crazy sex until dawn. She approached sex with me like an engineer investigating a machine she had never operated before. She kept capriciously feeding me suggestions of what to do and how to do it, as if she were experimenting with all the different forms our sex could take, and there was something thrilling about having sex with a girl who was so intellectually engaged in the act. I was disappointed that I only got to see her that one time. My friends, who had apparently been listening to us fuck all night, congratulated me in the morning. I may have blushed.

#33: She was a fan. She stuck around after the rest of the audience had wandered away and invited me to a party. After not really bothering to introduce me to anyone there and leaving me to feel awkward for awhile, she spent the rest of the evening leading me into rooms of her friend's house and trying to initiate sex, with her friend finding us and getting angry. Including some child's (unoccupied) room. I felt really icky and manipulated and kind of trapped in a situation that I didn't know if I wanted to flee or stick around for. She eventually got me into a bathroom where I tried to finish the whole thing quickly so I could leave. The first black girl with whom I've had sex.

#34: A friend of mine whom I knew through #25. A very sweet girl whom I had sex with once #30's assistance.

#35: A friend that had been having sex with several of the guys in our social circle. Since I had similar interest in having sex with attractive friends with whom I had chemistry, it was kind of inevitable that we had sex. Four times, in all. She squirted a goddamn lot. After sex, I wondered if her downstairs neighbor's ceiling was leaking.

#36: I felt very lucky to have attracted this beauty from afar. It wasn't long after we met that we became drawn together physically, and there was an immediate vibe that we connected to each other deeply and would work well together. At least I thought so. We had two threesomes with #30 and then she disappeared completely.

#37: An acquaintance with whom I'd casually flirt and receive much more serious flirting in return. When we had sex, I ended up feeling really manipulated and very sleazed-on. It wasn't even good sex. And she lied about not being in a relationship. And she ended up being a racist. One of the few sexual experiences I completely regret.

#38: A friend of #30's with whom we had a threesome. Casual, no-strings-attached sex at its finest.

#39: She offered to go down on me a few times, and I felt bad about how one-sided the affair was. We had for-the-hell-of-it sex once.

#20: I was attracted to and flirting with her friend for some time, but she swooped into my bed before I ever got a chance. I remember her making some astonished observation about the size of my cock (I swear, it's not even that much above average) and then reassuring me in a serious tone, "Don't worry, I can take all of it," with all of the confidence of Rosie the Riveter. We had sex three times.

#21: She was another friend who had actually always been fairly bitchy around me (spoiler: she goes right back to being bitchy after fucking me seven times). I remember her being insistent about licking and sucking my balls, then REALLY offended when I told her it tickled. She scowled at me, said "fuck you," then went immediately back to sucking my cock. Very strange vibe in the room at that moment.

#22: She was a friend and sort of professional peer. We flirted, we fucked, and I remember her saying "I want you" really sweetly before we had sex for the first of two times.

#23: She was a friend and kind of a hanger-on. I can't tell which one of us was taking advantage of the other in the three times we had sex.

#24: One of the great loves of my life, and another whose virginity I took. I stopped counting our sexual encounters after twenty. Had the misfortune of being especially awesome at fellatio, so my greed for that often cheated her out of sex.

#25: Another one of the great loves of my life. She was fantastically attractive, universally lusted after, and great in bed, but had a lot of trouble ever reaching orgasm, which made me sad. We had sex thirty-three times. Once, covered in sweat in the middle of summer on top of a pile of clean laundry. Her roommate sat in the corner of the room and told us what to do to each other while she masturbated. We took turns seeing if we could actually rape the other while they fought back. We've gotten a hotel room to fuck in three times, and absolutely tore the hell out of one of them. One of my all-time favorite sexual partners.

#26: "I always get what I want, and tonight I want you," she told me. We had sex until sunrise the first time, and I gave myself wicked rugburns on my knees fucking her on her living room floor the second time. We had sex four times.

#27: A acquaintance from a bar. Very sweet girl. We had sex five times before I caught on that she was kind of getting emotionally strung along.

#28: She was the aforementioned roommate of #25 who wanted to wait until the two of them were no longer roommates before having sex with me once.

#29: She was a lovely young girl whom I met overseas who led me into her house so she could have sex with me in her pitch black room while her parents slept upstairs. She didn't moan ecstatic phrases in her native language like one might fantasize, but only wordless whines and squeaks. I wanted to have sex with her all night, but slipped up and had an orgasm after a half-hour or so. I then tried to pretend there was no such thing as a refractory period and awkwardly failed at continuing to have sex with her with a second condom. Our sex was a cross between one of my greatest sexual triumphs and failures.

#10: I met her in college before I ever heard the advice "don't stick your dick in crazy". The sex was good and especially enthusiastic, athletic, and dirty. "Pound me, make my pussy bleed" and whatnot. She squirted, so I could easily count her orgasms. We got to 45 once before calling it a night. She started wanting a relationship, I suggested we stop having sex, and she insisted on still sucking my cock all the time. It was hard for me to refuse the offer. We had sex eighteen times.

#11: She was a redheaded jazz singer who would write notes on herself and then wrap them in clingfilm so they wouldn't rub off before she could copy them. I was rooting for her when she wanted to have sex with my friend, but he wasn't interested. And gay, if I recall correctly. So she took me home instead and had bizarre sex with me on her floor, then in her closet (she was really insistent on this), then up against a wall, then on a different floor. She had gone a few days without any sleep and was deliberately staying awake so she could have otherworldly sleep-deprivation hallucinating orgasms with me. She disappeared from my life shortly after the one time we had sex.

#12: She was a painter whom I had just met. She invited me to her place and showed me some of her art. We started unexpectedly kissing, then quickly progressed right to sex on her couch. After awhile, she had to stop because it was causing her too much pain. I awkwardly asked her to help get me off before we went to sleep, then felt like a tool. We didn't see each other after that.

#13: She was a friend of mine that didn't seem enthusiastic about fooling around with me whenever my largely one-sided flirting got us into a bed together. At a concert, she surprised me by suggesting out of nowhere that we fuck in the bathroom. It ended when someone knocked on the door. She complimented me on my "big fucking cock" in her usual stoic manner and it made my day. We only had sex once.

#14: She was older, taught me a lot, and kind of fucked my world up. We had sex fifteen times, and one of those times was the only time I actually got a complaint. Something along the lines of "That wasn't your best work, back there. Might want to step it up a notch."

#15: She was a long-time, long-distance flirt. We had wanted to take each others' virginities, but we had to settle on me just taking hers. She was fantastic and reminded me what it was like having sex with someone whom I loved and fully trusted. We had sex nine times. Before we did, I remember her implying online that she had worked on stretching herself out so I would fit, which was terribly flattering, in a strange way.

#16: She was a friend of an acquaintance, which whom I had flirted and dry humped an orgasm out of earlier (both of them at the same time, spectacularly enough). We only had sex once.

#17: She was a friend's girlfriend who had flirted hardcore with me for some time. I eventually broke down and had one night of really fantastically hot, sweaty, crazy sex with her, then quickly came to regret it. I remember sitting up and struggling to keep a grip on her hips as I bounced her up and down atop me and she moaned something about me being "thick".

#18: She was a metalhead and liked what I did. She quickly grew obnoxious and embarrassing to be around, but not before we had sex twice.

#19: She was a good friend, fantastic person, and attractive girl, so I saw no reason not to suggest that we have sex. She saw no reason not to either, and I spent enough nights in her apartment to have sex with her twenty-five times. It was actually one of my favorite casual-sex-with-friend relationships. Or fuckbuddies, but that sounds so vulgar and demeaning. But yeah, fuckbuddies.

#1: My first was wonderful, we were both virgins, and our sex was filled with the usual enthusiasm of teenagers venting their pent-up sexual urges. She could only get off when she ground her clit into me on top. We definitely had sex well over a hundred times, which we calculated from boxes of condoms purchased.

#2: She was a metal singer and had sex with me with a smile and a shrug. She gave me a quick introduction to both casual sex and group sex one night with her drummer and his girlfriend alongside us. "I want to fuck you because you have a cool website" actually came out of her mouth. She wrote a song about me that her band recorded that included orgasm noises. I was present to make her make those noises nine times.

#3: She was a sweet girl with whom I went to highschool and had to very gradually become bold enough to flirt with. She stared slackjawed at my cock the first time it came out and was unsure at first if she could accommodate it. She could, did twice, and shuddered adorably when she had orgasms. She later got really bummed out when she overheard conversation about another sexual relationship of mine and I felt bad that her feelings got hurt.

#4: She was a friend. I had gotten high (very high) for one of the first times in my life and was having an emotional night when our paths randomly crossed and we decided to follow through with the coy flirting that had gone on between us for years. We only had sex once.

#5: She was an anime nerd, as was I at the time. She invited me to her dorm room many times and we had pretty awesome sex twelve times. I told her that she was a classy girl and she promptly responded that the compliment was definitely getting me laid that night.

#6: She was a roleplaying nerd, as was I at the time. We didn't flirt, but she offered me crash space when I was in her town. Crash space turned into sleeping in half of her bed, turned into spooning, turned into, "Hey, wanna have sex instead of sleeping?" turned into sex three times. I regret that one of the most memorable things about the sex was how distractingly obvious it was that she kept her cat's fragrant litterbox fairly close to her bed. :(

#7: She was also in our roleplaying circles, and identified as a lesbian. We had known each other for quite awhile until I casually flirted with her. She quickly decided to take me home as "an experiment" to see if she was still sexually interested in men. She thanked me for my efforts, but informed me that I confirmed for her that she was not.

#8: She was an acquaintance who caught me when I was drunk and feisty in her house after everyone else had left a party. One of the few girls with whom I've had sex that I've really regretted. Just not that great of a person. She screamed during sex, too. Not like "wow, this is great sex" screaming, like "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I'M GETTING MURDERED" screaming. I was genuinely worried that a passerby would call the police.

#9: She was an old, old friend of mine with whom I had flirted in high school, and there was a vague understanding that when she was no longer with her boyfriend, that she and I would fool around. We had sex twice, and she told me that I was the first guy on whom she performed oral sex.

My sexual experience is still pretty limited compared to most of you, I'll assume... But I think I've had sex enough times now to be confident in saying this:

I don't think I actually find sex physically pleasurable.

I can find the act enjoyable when I make a game of it, and try to make it the best experience I can for my partner...

And I appreciate someone willing to be naked and do sexy sexy things to me. I get excited by that and support it 100% :D

...But beyond that mental level, I don't really actually feel much of anything.

My first time I was pretty drunk so I thought the numb feeling was a side effect of that. But with my current girlfriend it's still the same. And I don't have the heart to tell her as I feel like she'd take it personally and think it's something wrong with her when I really don't think it is. Honestly I'd have to guess she's well above average in the sex-skillz department. And that makes it worse-- that despite the fact that she's incredibly attractive and putting in a lot of effort to do some damn sexy stuff to me-- I can barely feel it. I feel guilty about that.

I feel like I'm the only person ever who doesn't consider sex a precursor to a relationship. Does that make me weird? I feel like I'm destined to die alone.

I've decided to be celibate for the next few months. I don't know how far this will go. I love sex, I love holding someone until the morning, throughout the afternoon, feeling them, loving them...but it's a distraction. My ability to concentrate is limited by the consistent desire to enjoy the sexual company of others. With the close of a relationship, I have decided that it is time to take control and take care of myself.

The last time he (my ex boyfriend) was in town, we got drunk and went back to my apartment and it was better than ever before, the sex was just so amazing. The first time it was raw passion, almost violent in its shared desire. Then each time after it was more tender, connected, as if the love never left. He spent the whole 20 hours we were together telling me how much he loved me and enjoyed my company. I don't think we'll ever get back together, but those 20 hours of sex, love making, passion, tenderness and care are enough to sustain me for a while.

I haven't had sex in almost a month. I think it's a good start.

Fun facts about my limited experience with the world of sex:

1.) I have never made-out with anyone and not gotten them naked in less than an hour from that point. ...that would seem impressively pimp until you learn that i've only ever made-out with anyone 3 times. Basically I haven't really ever kissed anyone and NOT been naked with them within the same sitting...

2.) The one and only time I've ever had what most people would consider sex... the orgasm count was 7- 0. I was the 0. And I'm male, for the record...

There's several reasons and theories as to how/why that happened, but I enjoy the mystery of the fact as-is so I'll leave it be.

re: the ilikeyou thoughtword...

It saddens me that so much of what people think of is about sex that every time something's not about sex, people feel the need to specifically point that out.

D:

runs back to asexy forums

Is it weird that one of the most appealing things about the notion of having sex with her is that the post-coital cuddling will be that much more fulfilling?

Always on my mind, I can never get enough. Seems I'm near-constantly wet and horny for weeks on end, it drives me crazy sometimes. Sometimes even vanilla won't cut it, I want it deliciously kinky and it's all I can think about.

Sometimes I wonder if there are prostitutes who do it not because they can't do anything else, but because they enjoy it. I feel like I would, sometimes.

I'm not quite there yet, but I'm on the verge of it....

I'm on the verge of deciding that honestly, I don't enjoy sex. I must be the one dude who would rather not stick his dick in anyone but his own right hand.

There's one part about sex I enjoy: I enjoy getting someone else off. I enjoy having that power over someone else.

But I'm pretty sure I don't like receiving. A.) It just means it'll be over faster so I can't keep doing the one part I do enjoy about it B.) There's all the pressure to keep it up which reduces some of the fun C.) Honestly, out of the admittedly limited sex experiences I have had? I do it to myself better.

Of course, if they were to actually start doing things better, it would violate points A and B. So the better the sex is, the least likely I am to look forward to it.

So yeah, I think I'm the rare dude who just doesn't want to fuck anyone. And not for religious reasons or anything. Although still mildly fun in the naughty entertainment sense, I find it overall more unenjoyable than I do enjoyable.

I hate this. I used to have problems just getting girls interested in me. Now that they are -this is what turns them away.

Sex is so taboo in society. it's a conflict: the most fundamental human instinct versus the expected conventional behavior. right now i don't know which side i'm on.

Anyway, you know that time after you lie down to go to sleep, but before you actually fall asleep...

The mind wanders. we think about how crappy our day was, and how crappy the next day will be. as long as i can remember i've fantasized about things that i would never do and things that could only happen in my imagination.

Lately i've been playing a game to pass the time before i fall asleep. i try to figure out which of my friends have had sex, which sounds really weird, right? but hear me out. it's really hard to predict such a hidden matter. i have some new friends, but i'm not close enough to most of them to know their past and their intimate lives. i suppose it's just an complex thought to try to wrap my head around when i'm bored.

the sex we have is amazing. i'm a whore for you. we have sex everytime we meet, and i dont even care. if anything i invite it. luckily this time you are my boyfriend. perhaps i'll keep this one. and you are the second person i've had sex with. why didnt i wait to meet you from the begining.

luckily i decided to live without regrets.

currently i love you. for more then the sex, too.

I love sex. I would say I'm addicted. And somehow, in a few instances, this has scared guys off. Being open sexually is important to me, and some people just can't handle it. I'm dominant in everyday life, but In bed I'm extremely submissive....Is that weird? I have a few fetishes. I like being tied up, I like pain being inflicted during sex (biting, slapping, being pushed around) and often find myself saying "Make it hurt". And then there's that one that I've only told 2 people that I've interacted sexually with. A rape fetish. The scenario (like role playing) turns me on majorly. The most out of all of them I'd say, and until recently, I haven't found anyone willing to comply. And I love it, but I already knew I would. I can't help but think that it's weird and maybe makes me a little crazy, but people have all kinds of kinks and that just happens to be mine. I'm enjoying the hell out of it. Fuck what "normal" people think.

the first time was violent. i've never known anger like the kind that lived in his hips, and i didn't understand it. i was too young. he was too much.

the second time was with a boy who had beautiful freckles and a jar full of opiates. one time we got caught in a freak rain storm in the woods by my house and took shelter in a bush and in each other while the river rose. i couldn't tell his tongue from the hot humid summer air.

number three lured me into his station wagon with a loaded pipe and french fries. one night we laid down, sock footed and flying, in the back of his car way out on the plains in the middle of nowhere. inside the garage was a party, but outside, the world was ours, and the lightning flickering on the horizon was just for us. i've never seen a night so beautiful in all of my life. he stopped calling when he went away to college.

number four took me out back during a smoke break, it took six minutes and was caught on camera. he was still bragging about it years later, when i ran into him at a new job. everyone heard about our one night stand. i was mortified.

it took me half an hour to remember who number five was. he fell fast and wrote me poetry. he reminded me why i always date "older men."

number six was the most beautiful boy i've ever known. we spent a month together in two week increments. he crawled into my bed at seven in the morning and fell asleep with his hands on my stomach humming stone temple pilots. i was his first. i broke his heart.

i had sex with number seven before i really wanted to, but i needed a distraction. we made love so often that i fell in love. we watched new age movies and fell into a heap on the couch, on his bed, on the arm chair, in the back of his car, sweating, swearing, lost. he hardly ever said a word to me, and i resented him for it.

number eight was to get back at number seven, and to prove to myself that people still wanted to fuck me. after the first time we slept together, he rolled over and told me he was a virgin. i panicked and ran out the door, in a figurative way.

number nine did a lot of cocaine and had long blonde hair and a tattoo of a cross on his shoulder and a broke down blue truck. he was everything i thought danger should be, and i paraded him around because all of my friends thought he was beautiful. he couldn't ever get it up because of the coke.

number ten bends to my fantasies, had the most beautiful penis i've ever seen, and a body like a mannequin. he thinks he's ugly. we find ourselves swept away often, pawing and panting, like adolescent animals or junkies looking for a fix. sometimes we make love... sometimes there's that anger i recognize, well hidden, deep seated, but there none the less.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m a freak. I generally actively seek out men that I think I may be able to have an relationship with. I know how that dating game works. You meet, you hang out for a while, then after you reach a certain level of familiarity with someone, you take them home with you and see how things will work one on one. You watch a movie, sit on the couch, then if everything seems to be working out well you do what the shampoo bottle says and repeat the one on one time for a few dates then eventually someone makes the hit that things should be moved to the bedroom. So there you are in all its awkward glory, having sex with someone new, and about 30 seconds before I know he’s going to make the move from fooling around to having sex, I don’t want to anymore, I’m not sure if that I’m scared, or nervous, what if he doesn’t think I’m good in the sack, what if he’s just using me, what if I’m really just using him? I don’t know, I can remember one time looking up and trying to lock eyes with a guy and then never being able to catch them, as if he was just refusing to look at me, not really wanting to see me in that moment. I’ve had sex, I’ve had the awkward fuck, I’ve made love, and every time I’m still slightly terrified. I turn into a shy little girl looking up at the guy begging with my eyes for some sign of approval, a sign I’ve never really gotten. Even when I was in a long term relationship (about 3years) I never really felt completely comfortable with him in bed. I really wonder why I can’t just throw my head back and give myself over the ecstasy that sex should be, but I guess I’m really just a little scared but I can‘t seem to figure out exactly why.

I'm starting to think that I'll never shake the nagging, instinctive sense of fear and helplessness associated with sex. It's especially frustrating since I almost constantly crave as much affection as I can get from the men I love.

Sex is bittersweet. In the case of people I'm attracted to, I'm probably the easiest person to arouse. Anything from the sound of their laugh, to an erotic touch, to intellectual conversation can have me instantly wanting to turn off the lights and be closer to them. But any sort of near intimate encounter with a person I'm not attracted to turns me into an instinctively unstable, violent person that I'm not fond of. I have, in my past, almost stabbed men in the kidneys for not heeding my whispered requests to be left alone. I have briefly lost consciousness at parties while drunkenly making out with a guy and nearly thrown him out a window upon regaining consciousness to find a hand sliding under my waistband. I almost always catch myself last minute, but not always before cutting people deeper than I really want to or twisting an arm more than I should. I don't really want to cut anyone at all, which is why I don't carry knives anymore. That's the least I can do to encourage myself to deal more rationally with such feelings.

I've had sex with two men, for both of whom I have a strong love founded in logical respect, appreciation, and pity. When I lost my virginity, I had no daydreams of him being "the one" and protecting me forever. I knew then that probability said that we would eventually drift apart, and I knew him well enough to know that any signs of possessiveness on my part would just make that happen faster. So I ignored the part of myself insisting that I couldn't be special to him unless I was his girlfriend, and I contented myself with "just friends".

A few months later I started sleeping with another amazing guy and became rapidly aware of the benefits I could reap from having no moral restrictions to keep me from loving two men equally.

And that's where I stand now, over a year later. I guess that basically what happened was my first two boyfriends happened to come along at the same time. But that's only partially relevant.

I'm not sure where to go with this line of thought and will probably rethink, rephrase, and expand later. For now, though, I will close with the comment that I hope to someday be able to have wonderful, passionate, loving sex without having the most vivid nightmares about the past and being half tempted to shrink away from a gentle touch.

Maybe someday I'll grow the balls to give an account of the nightmares.

we had sex four times in one night once, and each time felt as amazing as the last. i felt connected, improved. clear headed. in love. everything went beautifully.

and i can't believe that a day earlier i was thinking about breaking up with him.

...sex is love, in its own way. nothing demonstrates trust and understanding like worshiping each other's bodies, admitting feeling. the connection when you look at each other, and realize that no one will ever make you feel like this again.

i trust him. i love him. i fuck him. it makes sense, right?

Fuck you. Your name doesn't belong in my thoughts, asshole.

There's a guy on TV who reminds me of a guy I was with for a long time. Their bodies are crazy similar, they act the same.

I've been watching that TV show a lot, by renting the seasons, and now I'm having crazy sex dreams where I'm with a guy who goes back and forth between being the guy on the show, and my ex boyfriend.

Damnit.