Balance

Your quest stands upon the edge of a knife.....stray but a little, and it will fail, to the ruin of all........

I struggle with balances in my life with enough frequency that it irks me a little bit. That is especially if it involves vulnerability and hyper independence. I'm going to be different and direct with myself for once, and maybe not talk logical circles around how I really feel just to bury it in an attempt to not feel. I don't like it when I feel emotionally numb. I've had this seed planted in me for a very long time, and it's been growing into a transition that I knew would be inevitable. I can't hold back. We all have our seasons in life, I will not be ashamed of mine.

I'm tired of seeing those who I internally call "my people" getting hurt by those who I perceive as lacking empathy and human decency. I've seen some folks get emotionally hurt so badly. I've witnessed a brave young trans lady whose father shames her for discovering her own beauty and sexuality, and a beautiful poly family enduring a harsh breakup from someone who ripped their connection with her and her child to shreds in a cruel and vindictive manner. I've seen my beloved partner get so deeply wounded by ALL the adult members of his family, it sickens me. And now I have two dear friends at my work who have been seriously emotionally abused in an egregious manner, and it just fucking pisses me off. Thank fucks' sake they both kicked those guys out of their lives. I intend to keep and eye on them and be a resource to them as they continue to communicate that need to me.

What does this have to do with balance? Well, It's important for me to understand that I can't just interject myself into anyone's personal matters. When someone tells me something in confidence, I keep my promises and don't go spreading it around. I avoid making any rash decisions for anyone, let alone myself. Whenever I contemplate doing anything, I try to put myself in their shoes and ask myself if it would help or hurt. Just because I want to be protective of those whom I view innocent doesn't mean they want me involved in their situation. I have to balance discretion with the discernment of when to act. Sometimes, I worry I either do too much or I'm getting too distant (aka doing too little). This absolutely chafes the fuck out of me because I can't stand the idea of doing nothing about a situation. These people that I'm angry with, who I see hurting innocent folks (especially the one that I almost became more involved with who seriously hurt one of my friends at work), I want to give them a taste of their own medicine soooooo fucking badly. But I know better.

I wish I knew how to balance everything without pissing others and myself off.