Wish

I remember all the hopes and dreams and dreams of my youth and laugh to myself. I wish I could still feel that way. The excitement of what my future may hold. Now I just fear what obstacles tomorrow has for me.

I push on through my life smiling, joking, pretending to be okay. Things haven't been okay for a long time.

Every single birthday, growing up, I had the same wish when I blew out the candles on my cake. Or sometimes it was a cupcake with a candle in it, or a few brownies with candles stuck in them.

Regardless. Candles. Birthday. Wish.

I always had the same wish. I wished that I could just be happy.

Nothing material. No wish for presents, accomplishments, opportunities, et cetera. I only wanted to spend a moment not being terribly sad, from probably age six to eighteen.

Now the relative psychological stability that I've found in adulthood seems foreign and unsettling. In a strange way, I gravitate back toward the suicidal, crushing depression that I grew up accustomed to. It was the way that things always were. It was the way that I always was. It was Right. It was appropriate. It's like I'm locked in an abusive relationship with myself that I keep coming back to because it's familiar and I've grown comfortable with it, despite knowing that it will most likely kill me in the long run.

I'm lost.

I have only one destination, and I have nothing left to do but try to get some shit done before I arrive at it. I can no longer hold onto the naive hope that birthday wishes used to offer.

I was recently telling a friend about a guy I know. This guy is going to start med school in the fall, is an amazing musician (I have a weakness for musicians), and just a really great guy in general. My friend started to imply that there was something going on between this guy and I (even though there really isn't), and while I tried to explain to my friend that there wasn't, the words "I wish" were going through my head.

This is a bad thought. Mainly because I almost guarantee this guy would never be interested in me, but also because I am already with a guy. I just can't seem to get it out of my head. This guy seems to be everything that I want in a man.

I wish you could have been there. It was so much fun. You would have loved it.