"well, every time we've talked about experiences of any sort, you have unequivocally (sorry) favored not feeling over feeling, even when the feeling is good. you always tend toward the most neutral and non-existent, as a means of self-protection. at some point, i think you're good enough to completely master it and just vanish entirely"

I think that's one of the nicest things that anybody has ever told me.

I just want to curl up into a little ball and vanish, to not and ever have been. I'm too broken to appreciate what I have, I don't deserve any of it.