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I'm frustrated with how broken I feel. Always something wrong, always a part of me that isn't working right, mental and physical.
Apathy, pain, discomfort, betrayal of a physical body that just isn't right.
"You just have to deal with it." "It's another surgery when it becomes unbearable." "Here is a pill that may help but if it does it'll just take the edge off."
Fixes that are bandaids covering evisceration....
Delirious with exhaustion of dealing with, and the aftermath.
A burden, or an annoyance, when spoken of.
I feel like such shit. I’m so afraid to ask for what I want, because I feel like I’m meeting resistance. I don’t know how to tell him that the things that are bothering me are deal breakers for me. Having no ambition? No real dreams for the future? Being miserable for however long in that stupid fucking job he has? I can’t hurt him, but I’m fucking hurting. I can’t do this. What am I going to do? Where will I go if shit hits the fan and we end up where I’m afraid we could go? I think I love him, but it also feels like our relationship is based on a dynamic that I’m not ok with. I feel like the person who learns everything from him, like a little that’s under him. I feel like my interests are engulfed by his. Hasn’t gotten the movie I asked him to, never played the text adventure that I designed, we don’t really cuddle or get small touching very often, I initiate sex way more than he does and yet I’m lucky if it even happens once a month. He tells me to approach him, but I want to feel desired and I don’t. I need him to come to me more often too. I want to watch another movie I have with him, but he hasn’t even volunteered any time to sit down with me and watch it. I have no problem watching with him the things he wants and yet I almost feel like what I want to show him is never of real interest. Like politics, which we’ve actually argued about, which he’ll tell me not to talk to him about because it upsets him. And the fact that he says that I’m trying to change him because I want to encourage him to go out and do things with me, and his response is to tell me that this is why he’s encouraging me to make friends. He didn’t want to walk a little with me at his sister’s baby shower, he doesn’t want to go geocaching with me, it feels like it needs to go very specifically down his route. A lot of the things that we do center around restrictions and desires that he has, and I feel like I’m off on the wayside. It’s like I have nothing to offer that’s of interest, because I’m an inexperienced person who needs to keep exploring the world and see what it consists of for him. I don’t want to be told to take practically all my interests and adventuring to everyone else, I want him to open up and share things with me. My needs aren’t being met, and I feel helpless to ask for it. I also take issue with the fact that he has this thing about time when it comes to asking him to do something. It’ll be weeks before he gets something done, if at all. There’s no timeliness, and we live like slobs in an apartment that only really gets cleaned when we have guests which is on the rare side. I’m getting fed up with it, and I want change. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up with this.
We’ve been through a lot of shit together, and have been there for each other, but I don’t owe him my life and if I grow into something that is incompatible with what we have then it’s going to fucking hurt even more and I’ll have some wounds to work through in the future.
Sometimes i want to take these broken wings, and learn to sing, cause I know I can't fly. Sometimes i want to take these broken words, that I know you all heard, and let them die. Sometimes I want to take this broken mind, go out and try to find my sanity. Sometimes I want to take this broken soul, pray it's not black as coal, and break my vanity Sometimes I want to take myself apart, and find my heart, before I explode. Sometimes I want to take my broken wings, go away and fling myself off a cliff, broken wings don't fail me. Broken heart is beating, and my mind is bleeding. Do I soar? Do I fall? Does it matter at all? Do I cry? Do I fly? Can I catch your eye? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know... let me go.
I feel most beautiful when I feel my worst, when I feel as though I shall break into a million pieces and go spiraling into the universe again. I feel most attractive when I'm too depressed to give a shit about how bad my acne is flaring up, no matter how much weight I have gained in the last month or lost for that matter. I'm usually in some swing of depression, but when I reach a certain low where I just long to be curled up in someone's arms and allowed to cry I feel absolutely breath taking. I don't long for this feeling, I don't care to feel pretty. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, every look that someone gives me with that sort of "checkin you out" gleam in their eye makes me feel better until I can pull myself out of this silliness. I felt absolutely beautiful yesterday as I was getting ready to go to a concert with a friend of mine. All through out the day, boys were giving me these looks that I needed. Girls were giving me these looks. I just smiled at all of them, the only smile i could muster. By the end of the night I was floating high enough on the wonder that concerts like this give me. Family Values was amazing not just because of how I felt before I got there, but because of the music. Music and feeling pretty .... they help me get over whatever low I've hit. I'm just hoping I can keep the rest at bay for a while.