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"Even the ways she wounds you is beautiful."
That's what's kept me going without any reward all these years. Every time I fail, that's when I get these glimpses of an altogether different, but brilliant person. Attractive in entirely different ways from her usual self, which just amplifies the other beauty that is already there. Like catching a glimpse of glittering diamonds beneath the gold. One more glimpse of heaven. It's not much of a reward, but it keeps me trying again and again.