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I miss having a relationship with someone who sends me random happy, sweet thoughts. Gets me tiny gifts because they saw something they thought I'd like. Does spontaneous kind things, just to be kind. Don't get me wrong, my partners are sweet, caring folk. But those gestures don't really exist, and I kind of miss it. I'm beginning to think that's just not what you get in poly relationships...maybe it's too hard to balance between all the partners and you don't want people to get jealous? A lot of poly ends up being trusting your partner to love you like they say, and that's hard for me to do. I used to send those sweet, random messages, sometimes still do the tiny gifts and gestures. After long enough of no reciprocation, though, I'm initiating less often. I don't want to harden myself like that...
I find my relationship dead, again. Yet here I am still going through with the plans for our wedding...less than two months away. I hate him. I hate how he treats our children. I hate how he treats me. I hate his negativity and his bad energy. For two and a half years he has done nothing to better our lives. Two and a half years I've been busting my ass trying to keep everything together for our children while he sits around and just bitches because apparently I do not do enough. But yet, I will still marry him. We no longer have a sex life. I haven't had an orgasm in forever. I cannot get him to simply stop whatever the fuck it is he is doing and just sit by me. Just fucking cuddle me! Act like I'm a human; act like I'm a woman and treat me as such. Grab my waist and give me a kiss, play with my hair, wipe the tears from my face. Anything! But none of this happens. And I do not see any of it happening anytime soon. I cannot figure out why I am marrying him. But I am.
Our relationship progresses so quickly. I feel terrible knowing that tomorrow I'll be hurting to see you again, and it's only been since Friday. I feel worse knowing that we didn't even really hang out Friday because I was talking to your best friend for all that time. Granted, we were mostly talking about you, but still. Two days is like a week for us. That means a few different things, I guess. My insides burn to be with you, forever. But you can barely stand to be with me for two straight days. But now that I think about it, I guess that's like being with someone for a straight week though, so that's fair enough. I miss the first night we met. I wanna relive that over and over. Just talking. Learning about each other. The trust starting to sink in. It was a glittery feeling.
I'm surprised the first entry for relationship just happened. Hmm. As far as what Red Blood Cell said, I'm in the a similar situation. My neighbor's unmedicated, hard to handle girlfriend finally got the boot. One of his exes is staying with him because her mom gave her the boot. I just met this girl about... five days ago, but we've been hanging out every day. She's still in love with J, the neighbor. He's not SuperBoyfriend to begin with, and he's currently going through the drunken asshole with a broken heart phase. There's nothing wrong with that, in itself, it happens. But M. is getting the full brunt of it. They're not dating, but they cuddle and bone and say "I love you." But there's no security or promises, and it's hurting her. His mood swings are baaaad. I can't talk to him, he doesn't trust me very much, and the social group he's in, random girls don't even stay in a room alone with a random guy, let alone talk about those feeling things. And I'm not even going to try to talk her out of her feelings. You can't argue with desperate remainder love.
All I can do is tell her not to spend all of her money on him. To listen when he does things she doesn't understand. To give her clothes that are her current size, and not mine, and loan her some more that fit us both. To give her a journal, and some pens, and loan her a couple books. Not nearly enough. Another topic entirely, but why do I want to help everyone?