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Everything changed. I don't know when it happened, but here we are and everything is different now.
B bought his ticket to come visit. I don't really know how I feel about it. I said he could come up because at the time it was incredibly important to me that I be there for him. Now I just want to be left alone. It's not that I don't want to see him, I do, I just can't deal with the expectations I'm sure he has about his visit. He wants to hold me and kiss me and probably sleep with me. These days I don't even like to be touched. I hug my mom, and that's about it. She tried to hold my hand in the car the other day and it nearly disgusted me. I just can't stand physical contact because I know what it means and I hate it.
My phone, and the other three under my plan, got turned off this weekend because Dad didn't pay the bill. Normally I wouldn't be upset about it, and honestly part of me is glad that I don't have to carry my phone with me everywhere hoping that someone will call or text me, but the other part of me, the part that's so incredibly lonely right now just wishes that I could call my sister or J and beg them to please help me.
Because the biggest thing that's changed is that I'm having suicidal thoughts and I have no idea how to deal with them right now. I'm scared. I know I won't go through with it. I've fought off the suicide demon for years now and have never done anything worse than putting a cigarette out on my arm to snap myself out of it. I still have the scar, but I'm the only one who can see it.
I remember when I did that. I was sitting outside of Denny's, Summer and Chrissie were inside waiting for me. It was a clove cigarette, and it was late June. It didn't hurt, just felt intensely cold and I got shivers over my entire body. The skin blistered, and I covered the scab up with a band-aid. My mom noticed once when I forgot to cover it up. I told her it was nothing, and it was.
This is a much worse night than that night.
I sincerely do not want to go on living. I've gone from being connected to destiny and purpose in a very real way to feeling like my life is completely pointless. I don't see things ever improving. I have spent eight months in this fucking bed in the corner of an unfinished basement, staring at the concrete walls and thinking maybe things would get better in a few weeks, a month, sometime within my reach. It's different now. There is no hope anytime soon.
It is interesting to me how things can turn out so differently than you thought.
I have two brothers, one is 21 the other is 20. The older one has always been the mature one, the voice of reason between the two. The younger was the one to act out and be a real rebel.
Lately I have had a chance to watch small parts of their futures unfold. Both have serious girlfriends whom they wish to marry. Both are working towards their life goals. And yet, both are so different from before.
The older one is now acting like a complete jerk, while the younger one has become closer to those he used to fight against. The older one is being an immature little four-year-old, while the younger one is taking on way more responsibility than those of us who knew him five years ago would have thought possible.
It is just strange to see how different they have each become. It is almost like they have switched personalities. While I really miss talking to the older one (because we became really close when he moved away for school), it is nice to finally get along with the younger one.
Is this how things are going to be? I didn't want things to be all that different, but this is crazy. We talked more, hung out more, before we were together! I know neither of us want to give up our lives, that it was important for us to still have separate friends, separate things to do, but what happened to all the things we already did together?
I dunno. Maybe this is all my fault, for being so busy all the time. But I never get to talk to you...
You're not alone... I've spent the last year and a half pretending it'd get better. I'm still not ready... I don't even want to examine why that is. Yet.