Self

I had a thought posted here a while back, but upon revisiting it I realize that I have much more to say about it as well as some thoughts about my past self.

I remember the first apartment I acquired all on my own. I was absolutely terrified the first night I stayed because I had no help or wherewithal to set the space up in a manner that made it really feel like home. I was in this space all alone after many years of either living with unsavory characters or being homeless, but nevertheless I never really had time or space to myself. All I had in the apartment was my mattress on the ground, a tiny little night stand with my monitor set up on it and my computer tower on the ground, and lastly the majority of my things packed up in boxes on a cold, hard floor corner of the main living room. No furniture, no tv, no craft space, nothing to make the space feel........positive. I remember that I had started dating my boyfriend at that point (it's weird thinking back all those years ago) and he had offered to help move my stuff to the place, but I pretended to not want his help with getting everything unpacked because I felt I had to keep up a front with him when he said that he didn't want to bother with it. I kept up this front with other things for a long time, and it only made me feel all the more lonely. It was a feeling I would have to get used to.

And yet, this was nothing compared to the other fears that drove me.

You know what scared me even more than being alone in an environment that was the polar opposite of what I was used to for the majority of my life?
Actually letting people into this rinky dink little area that I claimed as mine. I remember posting about it on my Facebook profile and some people responded with "Party at _'s place!"
My gut reaction was "there's no way in hell that's happening," so I shut people down. I told them that this was my personal space, and no one is allowed there unless I expressly make an allowance for it. I then proceeded to ensure that for the entire 6 months I stayed in that apartment, I wouldn't even have close friends or family stay for more than a couple minutes. I had recently come out of an abusive situation and the recurring thought I had, over and over, was that "I just want to be left alone." No people, no one to bother me, no one to concern themselves with me. I just wanted to get on with my life without involving anyone in any of my activities at all. Not if it could be helped.

Fast forward many years to the here and now. I most definitely am not the same person, but it took time and exposure for me to reach this point of my journey. All the things I thought I wanted back then were born from a place of fear, anxiety, and possibly depression. There were indeed days when I didn't want to deal with anything at all and was so tired I just wanted to lay on my little mattress on the floor. What I want now doesn't come from that fear........it comes from a better understanding of who I am and what that means for my life. I'm tired of feeling like it's a crime for me to have completely changed over the course of the last few months because it isn't going to stop and I don't want to continue being ruled by the things that were previously my life's focal point.

As for the original thought I had posted here, I had been disappointed by relationship circumstances. It falls back on my desire to be sexually independent and explorative. I was miserable that day because of petty victories and the excuse that "life isn't fair so get used to disappointment." That's not a reason to be unfair about things, you are not a random number generator prepared to go with any shitty outcome that you might land on. I understand the wisdom of accepting things when they happen as a random happenstance or as someone needing to make personal decisions without my input, but I'm not going to accept that as the inspiration for this kind of attitude when it comes to someone making decisions for what happens in my own life.

Something happened yesterday.........I need time to emotionally process the meaning of it. I remember being told that "you can't make someone into something they're not," and I find that even though I've definitely become something I once was not it doesn't mean that this will happen for other people in my life. I've been scared for a long time because of this, and yet I can almost feel how it might be a blessing in disguise. I'm faulted in that I tend to lean heavily on my intuition before logic catches up with it, but my intuition is telling me that I already know the outcome down the road. Now I need to make logical sense of that gut feeling.

Sometimes you meet a person who makes you feel more like yourself than you ever thought possible, and then they leave and take a massive piece of you with them, and all you want is to be you again, but instead there's some asshole you barely recognize in your body and you hate them for it.

I am so happy with who I am. My abilities, my thoughts, my intentions. I love myself.

dear self:

get up off your ass.

stop feeling sorry for yourself.

if you let them get to you, if you let lies become truth, if you let the past overcome the present you will never be happy again.

i repeat: you will never be happy again.

look in the mirror. smile. take picture. don't make regrets. make goals. accomplish them.

be confident. sit up straight. laugh. have fun. kiss. hug.

grow old, but stay young.

and when the time comes, have a huge smile on your face.

live, and then die.

dear self:

you can do this.

In order to know "self" I must know all that is "other." For "self" is composed of all that it is not.

The self, or ego, is an illusion. We may opt to adopt any of the countless streams of consciousness that are naturally available to us as we develop through higher psychological stages. The ideal self, is that which expresses the full potential or capabilities of the being in question. In essence, this means it is ideal to adapt your self, adopting whichever stream of consciousness flows most melodiously with the symphony of life in any particular situation. In other words, the self is analagous to a musical note, where a different note, and thus a different self, are appropriate at different times in order to maximize the inherent Fibonacci flow, if you will, of the piece, in this case, life.

This tool has helped me realize further that I have trouble describing myself or my thoughts in any way aside from how I/they relate to others. No wonder I hate being alone.

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