Empathy

thought 6 months ago...

You know what your biggest flaw was? Despite your kindness, you truly lacked in empathy. That’s why you chose manipulative distancing over communication. I hate that I still have intrusive thoughts about that period of my life, but it makes sense. I don’t have the feelings for you that I once did, but I still have the hurt. You probably never think about then. Because as good of a person as you are, you lack mature empathy. If your empathy were stronger, you wouldn’t have left me in confusing heartbreak for literally two years. You would have worked past your own anxieties and had a conversation. But instead you got to move on, happily, with your life, probably oblivious to the anguish I was suffering at the expense of your behavior. My problem is that I have too much empathy. I almost went mad with trying to understand and correct anything I was doing to drive you away. I honestly went through a pretty rough depressive episode because I felt like I understood your behavior too much to confront you or protect myself with anger. I spent all that time feeling bad for you, feeling like *I* was bad for you. I kept trying to make myself smaller, kept apologizing for the space I took up. I internalized so much of the way you treated me… I’m glad I can finally say that I understand but I don’t *excuse* what you did to me. Sadly, I’ll never say these things to you, because at the end of the day, you would probably just be confused, because you didn’t endure what I endured and you don’t have the empathy to notice that… I’m still happy for you, still rooting for you, still glad to be your friend, but damn if it doesn’t hurt sometimes. I’m glad I can finally admit that- I think that means I’ve grown to have more empathy for myself. I hope you grow to have more empathy too- if not for me, for anyone else in your life going forward.

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