Terrible

I'm going to get into the habit of telling myself every day "I'm not a terrible person." If you're trying to cope with something you've done, sometimes you have to be your own salvation too.

What would you think if someone you really liked had done something terrible in their past? What if they admitted what they had done and were remorseful? Would you still like them? Would you still trust them?

I think I'm becoming a terrible person, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

My best friend's boyfriend had been pressuring her to allow a threesome... his intended third party?

Me.

Well, damn. Previous to this I had only had one other partner, and now you want me to be with two people at once, one of them my best friend since middle school? Awkward

So, he gets us drunk on several occasions, and I continue to refuse. Then, I get so fucked-up drunk, I end up throwing up. And, if the foggy miasma of my memory serves me, I gave him a hand-job while his gf was passed out asleep.

I feel terrible.

He's overjoyed.

"Wasn't that a fun weekend?"

Wink wink, nudge nudge.

No, no it was not. You got your rocks off and made me feel guilty and horny and alone all at the same time.

Great job jerk.

So now, I know better. I take it easy on the drink, but he's pressuring harder. His gf gets drunker, and then I start hitting the schnapps.

She starts giving him a bj, while I sit there feeling awkward, till he starts attacking me with his mouth.

Sorry best pal, your boyfriend is NOT a good kisser.

Asshole.

He keeps grabbing my head to "encourage" me. His gf, not feeling so well takes a pillow and a blanket to the bathroom. He gets his bj.

He checks on her and comes back.

"I want to fuck your brains out"

At this point I am horny and incoherent. Apparently, when you're turned on, the judgement portions of your brain shut down. They proved it using an MRI.

I refuse a couple of times, but he keeps up the attack.

He keeps saying "Please?" And while I am covering my ashamed face with my hands, he gets up to get protection before I can stop him again.

Well... moral of the story, we fuck. He gets off, I don't. His girlfriend has thrown up all over the floor, and he goes to clean up after her, not allowing me in, while I sit on the floor and feel like shooting myself.

He wakes me up one more time that night for more fun. I comply just to get him off my back.

I wish I could blame him, but I really wasn't "firm" in saying no.

Then again, he never really asked verbally. If he had outright asked, "Is this alright?" I might have found my brain in time to say no. His demands were all physical, and I guess I don't have the self-confidence or whatever to push someone off me. I don't like disappointing people.

This time I disappointed myself.

God, I feel like a hoe.

To think, only about a year ago, I was a virgin.

I hate you.

Girls Gone Wild. Synonymous? Discuss.