Grown men piss all over the toilet seat in public restrooms MERE FEET AWAY from perfectly fine urinals. I find myself in public restrooms quite often, and dozens of times I find myself alone in a restroom, sitting in a stall, wishing a fond farewell to what was previously my lunch, and I observe a presumably fully-functioning and not noticeably retarded adult male bypassing an entire row of unoccupied urinals to step into a stall and piss. No pause to drop pants and sit down, no familiar -conk- of the toilet seat being raised, and oftentimes (I imagine that this is preceded by a thoughtful moment in which the pisser strains to remember if there's any other step to taking a piss between holstering his organ and exiting the restroom) no flushing whatsoever. When my bemused outrage compels me to glance into that same stall as I approach the sinks (the function of which the aforementioned pisser usually seems to be oblivious of) and see the sheen of thoughtless piss bespeckling what was once an acceptable and inoffensive toilet seat.

I get so outraged by the mindlessness of this that I sometimes seriously consider becoming a restroom-patrolling vigilante, enforcing with violence the rules of toilet etiquette that most people master soon after potty training. My rage, justifiable. My methods, brutal. My costume, ridiculous.