Vigilante

It's hard for me to watch vigilante movies, like Gangs of New York. Also, dark vigilante superhero movies like Batman and Daredevil tend to do the same thing for me. Really, any story where someone has a loved one killed, then gets turned into a singe-minded force of vengeance.

It's hard for me to witness that in stories because of what it implies about me. It makes me think about the dark side of myself that was created by my brother's murder, and wonder if I should stop my daily struggle to keep from giving in to its bloodlust. It makes me wonder if I can truly have a compassionate, loving, forgiving nature alongside a predatory, vengeful one, or if one of the two is just a defense mechanism.

All the bereaved vigilantes in movies get to face their villains in the end. Some of them kill their antagonists to avenge the deaths of innocents, and some of them refuse to give in to vengeance and just turn the matter over to the police, or walk away, having make their point some other way. These scenes are always hard for me to watch too. They make me realize that when the time comes to face my demon, I'll have no idea which path I'll take.

I don't know which of my two sides is going to have more sway in the end, but both of them want me physically and mentally prepared for everything that I'm going to have to go through to get there. So I train, and meditate, and learn, and try to keep myself together. Because my brother wouldn't want me falling apart because someone killed him. He'd want the loss to make me stronger.

I feel silly drawing comparisons between myself and comic book characters, but it's fitting. And it reminds me that there's a clear line between hero and villain.