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sometimes when we're sitting in a restaurant, i fantasize about taking you home, barricading the doors, and dominating you. little things that you do make me want you naked, on your knees in front of me as i sit on a stool, two fingers inside me. i want to order you onto the bed where i can have my way with you. i want to suck, taunt, and ride you. i want to drive you crazy.
other times, the way you move makes me want you to tie me up, drag the crop across my body tauntingly before swatting.
sometimes your tone of voice when you get impatient with me makes me never want to see you again.
sometimes i'm afraid each time you move in your sleep that you're about to get up and leave forever.
sometimes i think that your fixation with the theory of violence is evolving into something that will ultimately get you killed in some horrible, unfair way.
sometime when you look at me after making some smarmy comment, i wonder if you really are checking to see if you've amused me.
sometimes i forget that you don't care.
sometimes i forget that you can love anyone who strikes your fancy.
Sometimes i want to punch walls and just scream until my voice breaks.
sometimes i just want to fuck your brains out, and other times i just wish that you were still attracted to me, or would at least admit you aren't.
sometimes i pretend that my mom isn't dying and that i'm not really disappointing everyone close to me.
sometimes i watch people walking down the street, driving past, or sitting in their houses watching tv, and i wonder if i'm really human. i look at trees and wonder if i'm really alive at all.
^^^^^i think the above blurb just made me shit a bat.
sometimes i get so upset over stupid things that i write soap opera scripts in my head to divert my sense of melodrama.
sometimes when i think about 'going home', i still think that should be where ever you are.
sometimes i forget that you gave up on me.
sometimes i think that i'll never shake this, and maybe that if i just tried harder i'd be able to sleep. i'm just doing it wrong.
sometimes i wish i were a lesbian
sometimes i just want to run off into a sunset and hide from everyone and everything, but
sometimes when i'm alone for even a few minutes i make myself angry... violent. i make the hallucinations worse. i want someone to be there to pull me out of my head.
sometimes i want someone who expects nothing of me, that i can't disappoint. someone who wants me. just wants me. emotionally, intellectually, sexually, whatever. someone to validate my existance, even briefly.
someone who will forgive me who if i ever live up to my fantasies of dismembering myself slowly, tits first.
someone who isn't afraid to break me but knows how to rebuild me when i break myself
someone i can break when i just need something to put back together
you know, besides the dominating stuff...and the hallucinations...and dismembering my tits....I'm right there with you. Sometimes.
Guys can be really quite infuriating, the way they can mess with your emotions so easily. I swear I used to be much more sane, sans the bee-eff. Well, less hard on myself.
I used to think I'd never be someone that could put my self-worth on a pedestal that some guy held in his hands. I swore I'd never second-guess my compulsion to chop five inches off of my hair, simply because he likes it long.