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I now know , it hurts less to be alone by yourself than alone with someone else. But I am doing what I always do, trying harder to make it work. This is generally the last burst of energy before I crash and end it. We will see. Merry Christmas 2013. This year is intent on being a bitch till the very last day.
I don't know how to be alone. I have always taken great comfort from the knowledge that no matter how shit a day I was having, no matter how awful everything seemed, I had him to go back to, someone who would love me no matter what and just this fact made it all seem not so bad.
For the first time in over eight years, I am alone again. For as evil and spiteful and manipulative and duplicitous as she was, I miss the hell out of having her just be in the same house. Every little thing about her that I used to take for granted is gone, and all I am left with is myself and my eternally racing mind.
I used to be fine with being alone before I met her. I was fine with living this way. Had I known that I would have these feelings if I had ever left her, I never would have been with her in the first place. I was a much better man before she stole eight years of my life...
When I'm alone, not simply by myself in a room, but alone, I subsist on memories. I can be alone in a room, but knowing that a loved one, a good friend, whatever disguise someone I enjoy being with has taken, is near takes the sharp twist away. And I can be in a roomful of people and feel as if I'm in a dirt room underground. Or wish I was. There's so much fucking beauty in my past. Fingers woven together like bamboo. Hot, lazy, sweaty summer naps, with the window open, and the tree outside casting everything in a deep green light. And the pain, there's beauty there too. But I think that's because I'm in love with tragedy. Idk, and three AM is too late to try and figure it out,
i hate this feeling. this feeling of being completely and utterly empty and trapped with only my thoughts and hopes, which i already know will never come true. it's such a frustrating condition, it feels like a sickness in which nothing can cure. nothing, that is, but you. but you're not here. technically, you're still there. but i don't know how either of us can continue like this much longer. you say it doesn't feel the same with me as it felt two years ago, the first time we dated. you say you still love me, but now you say that i feel more like a sister to you than anything. you also say that some of the things about me that you used to think were cute, are now "annoying". how could i have changed? we both have changed, we both have become more jaded and cynical, more mature, busier people. what have i done. i'm crying now, but not loudly. tears trickle down my cheeks from my weary eyes; the silence of my room is paired with the noise of the crickets outside, and the occasional airplane overhead. i tried following my heart, unafraid that we'd end up like this. but if you're not happy, how can i be happy? this is not fair to either of us. i just want to talk to you, i want to help you with your problems. i want to be your friend. but i know that there is absolutely nothing i can do, and above all, that's what hurts me the most. this is so hard.
i hate being alone. i am a people person. i need others to help me bloom and be happy. so why do i continue to isolate myself all the time? i wish i were sleeping with someone tonight simply so i could fall asleep with the sound of another persons breathing in my ear and the beat of their heart against my cheek...
I get really lonely really fast and that's when I tend to attach myself to bad ideas, namely people. I just really need to keep to my own. But damn it. masturbation is only so much fun and after a couple of days I'm just bored, I'm bored in general, there are things to do but nothing to motivate me. I can't even eat in my boredom I'm not at all hungry, I just feel useless, very apathetic, lazy.
It's been 7 days since I was last hugged, 20 days since anyone has touched my face, 22 days since I was last kissed, 65 days since I was last held, 126 days since I last had sex (unless you count that horrible drunken fumbling that ruined a friendship that I don't remember a damn thing about except that it happened then that would make it 62)
How is it possible that I still feel alone? Do you know that my day darkens a little every time you walk away? I know you have things to do, but I miss hanging out like we used to. Most of the time I feel like we're still "just friends".
I guess I should be thankful that I have you at all, but it is hard. I am not the jealous type, but I find myself becoming jealous of your friends, and I hate that in myself. I don't want to be that type of girl.
But how do I let you know that I want more, without making you feel pressured to comply? I don't want to do anything you're not comfortable with, but I feel like we're both holding back when we'd rather just let loose.
I keep waiting for the right time to come when I can show you that I want more, but every time that moment is close by you seem oblivious and I am forced to watch it fade away because I'm too much of a wimp to point it out to you.
I always told myself I wouldn't be that girl...You know the type...The one who doesn't have an identity unless she has a boyfriend. My friends were always like that, and I hated that weakness in them. They would find some random guy, go out with him, fall in "love" after three weeks, and be completely torn when the relationship didn't last past the two month mark. I used to wish that they would just stay single for a while. I thought it would do them good to find themselves without a guy. I always said that being single wasn't that bad, and for the first few months I still thought that. It was great being "free", flirting with whomever I wanted, hanging out with my girls and not having to worry about feeling like I was ditching him. But after a few months the novelty wears off. Friday nights can be a bit boring. Sure, I've found some awesome friends to hang out with, but it just isn't the same. I miss having someone to connect with like I used to. I don't regret being single, because it has given me a chance to focus more on my girls, but I need something more. I need something deeper. I'm tired of feeling like I'm so alone. I'm ready to meet the guy who will add that something extra to my already blessed life. I'm trying to be patient, but it's so hard.
I am so fucking angry and I have absolutely no one to talk to without calling them on the stupid phone and butting into their personal lives. I hate having to spend my summers trying to pretend like I am never depressed, never anxious, never upset. The last few weeks are hell anyway because I've reached my limit but this .... this is fucking ridiculous. I fucking hate money and moreso the fact that I need it and I have NONE. I haven't been paid in forever it seems and i have more bills than I have income, or so it would seem, and then gas is out of control and it just continues to spiral from there. My sister's driving me absolutely insane and keeps threatening to punch me in the face... I'd like to break her face....bitch.....I'm just so fucking upset. I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm feeling extremely anxious, and over all upset. I don't cry very often but I'm crying right now not just about the things up there but so many more things. I want to go back up to school and just never come back. I'm not coming back after this summer. Fuck it. It's not worth the frustration. I don't quite know where I'll be next year but it sure as hell will not be here or so help me .... I'll fucking kill someone because I can't handle this shit ANYMORE. Goddamn sons of bitches ..... I'm tired of the way I'm treated here, of the way that I'm expected to treat everyone else, and most importantly, I'm tired of walking in these doors and instantly becoming a different person. I become a side of me that I absolutely HATE. I hate it so much. I just want to talk to any one of my dearest friends, curl up in their arms and take my turn to cry. Take my turn to let loose all of the things that have built up from all of my not taking care of myself. I fucking hate it ... I hate it. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be somewhere where I'm understood and accepted and where I don't have to be someone else. I can just be me....the me that I like to be. I hate the fact that there is no one to talk to anywhere around here. No little trivial conversations to distract me about physics, philosophy, mathematics, et cetera. I'm just so tired of not sleeping because I'm so worked up all the fucking time about this shit. Damn it.....
We were alone, as usual, just the two of us in a big, dark room. We'd been talking about a great many things in the last few hours. Mostly things we'd been up to because we had been apart for a while and coming down off of the excitement cause by the concert and everything else. Then, he stood up and got a blanket. I thought he was just going to go sleep in another corner of the room because we'd been quiet for quite a while, simply holding hands and running our fingers over one another's hands and fore arms. His figure reappeared beside me a moment later as he draped the blanket over the two of us. We both knew that we were the only two awake in the whole place, we were, for all intensive purposes, alone.
I smiled to think of sleeping in his arms and then told myself to sleep. Needless to say, we didn't wind up sleeping for quite awhile. When I'm alone with him, I don't feel like anything is missing... I feel strangely complete.... When I'm not with him I don't feel so wonderfully whole and loved. He must have stolen that small, necessary part of my being and has it lodged within him somewhere.
being alone...it's a complicated feeling and state of being, aspect of self, etc. people percieve it so many ways. like "i'm alone because i'm single" -in my case true, and some times it's sad, but there's nothing wrong with skipping over the worthlessness of pointless relationships. Then there's the sad part but on my part it's not a permanent thing, sometimes i just wish that i had finally found the guy i'm gonna be with forever and won't be "alone" any more...
then there's the alone of being by yourself out on the town, shopping, away from your parents, living on your own, going to college, etc.
it's so complicated...but the same at the simultaneously... makes ya think.
Just because someone has emotional problems, and can't necessarily handle them on their own, is this any reason to just abandon them? Especially when they know this to be the truth, and are trying to fix their problems for the sake of making the other person happy?
Ultimately, we are all alone. There will never be another person who experiences the same sensation you do in the same way that you feel it. You can search and search for your entire life to find someone who is similar enough to you for you to feel that you are not alone, but, you're still alone. They do not exist in your head as you exist in your head. You can only be sure of your existance and if the existentialists are correct, your existence precedes your essence. It will never matter what your company is, you are alone, it's the type of alone that is different. The comfort level changes according to surroundings. For example, if you're curled up in some location with someone that you love or care for with more than a superficial understanding, you may be more comfortable and feel less lonely than being in a room full of strangers.
Sometimes I want to be alone so I can stop feeling unimportant. I'm not witness to anyone not paying attention to me when I'm alone. I stop feeling bad that I'm not tending to someone else's needs well enough when I'm alone. I stop worrying about how I make other people feel when I'm alone. I don't have to choose sides when I'm alone. I feel like I can't hurt anyone when I'm alone. I'm invincible when I'm alone.