Medicine

In continuation of my last thought, the idea that I need on my medicine to not be an emotionally abusive pos like my dad, that I need to be medicated is hurting me more than the idea of death. I'm sick of it man. Why can't I be the mellow Waldo hat wearing goofball the my partner and friends love with meds, weed, and constant self reflection and work. I dont want to ne abusive I wanna be a loving, caring, good listening, safe person. A safe and understanding partner. Not this man. Anything but this. They told when im not on meds I just can't regulate and I get too negative and when I get mad I get mentally abusive at times. I hate it. I feel like a monster man. A monster that needs either locked up or killed. Maybe both idk. Therapy is needed more than ever.....