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I thought I was trying to escape feeling. I thought I was trying to outrun every emotion because they've been bound to overwhelm me. I thought I needed to fight it.
But I'm starting to realize... I don't feel anything.
I cried so hard, and when I stopped I thought I had recovered.
But I must be wrong, because now I don't feel anything.
I don't feel the sadness. Or the pain. Or Anger. Pride. Happiness. Horniness. Hunger. Love. Loneliness.
I know, objectively, what I should be feeling. And I go through the motions, to an extent.
But food just makes my mouth dry. Sex is a hobby and a distraction. Orgasms are purely physical.
I'd like to say I feel apathetic, but I can't. It sounds too strong. Too much like a real thing. I'm beyond apathy.
No. I don't have time to feel. I have to do. I have to do. I have to do. I have to keep myself afloat in a sea of emotional poison. I don't have time to feel. I have to do. I have to do. I can't go under. I don't have time to feel. I have to do.
I'll tread water until I'm ready to finally sink to the bottom.
i close my eyes and see your hands. i can see every inch of you in my imagination. your fingers, your toes, your smile. i look at you and i see you laughing from beneath me as i make some stupid joke in the middle of sex. i see you walking around and my mind peels the clothes from your body. i am aqquainted with all of you. the way the back of your neck feels against my hand, the way you giggle like a silly little girl. talking to you has gotten so strained. i never know what to say anymore. how do i go from being wrapped up in lust and more with you to being nothing to you. i dont know how to make small talk. in my imagination we are back in bed, surrounded by white sheets, there are teeth maks on your left shoulder and scratchs down my back. then it was easy to talk. now what is there left to say? im trying to adjust but i think the ease with which you ignore what once was is holding me back. i had you all wrapped up in a tiny box in my mind. you were contained for so long. then, in a moment that was totally against my nature, i let you out. you woke me up. you forced me to be involved. you taught me to feel. you became so important to me. now i cant get you back into that damn box. im whining. complaining. its not like me and im sorry. but because of you i feel... thats just it. because of you i feel.
Just in case you wanted to know how I felt about you.
I think about you from the time I get up to the time I go to sleep at night. I dream about you. You're the first person I think about in the morning. I don't ever stop thinking about you. I can't. When I'm with you I am with out a doubt one of the happiest people on the earth, and when I'm not with you I miss you like hell. When I'm on the phone with you I am so content with my life, and when we get off I smile for another hour. Me, I smile with genuine happieness, and not just a front I put on to make other people happy. I long to see you, to be with you. I want you.