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Sides of road rotating in my mind’s eye as the Butthole Surfers turn into a fly I’m shy I wish I could fly I can’t cry Really weird tonight it’s scary I don’t get scared by the possibility of dying there sometimes seems to be no rope my eyes scare me make me think weird I’m starting to crap out I’m not sure if I’m going nuts or just realizing more turning slowly I see a hole I jump in and hit red circles going around sitting in a mall an older lady is walking past me we catch eyes for a few she looks back forward and continues for another let’s say 20 steps has a heart attack and dies I turn back around, obviously stunned there’s somebody I know don’t know who but I know I know him he follows and comes up to me looks at me real hard grabs my shirt screams that I’m no good anymore that I’m not right I get up walk down the beach with gulls whistling and screaming as they circle above me I look up hoping I didn’t get shit in my face though. There’s one directly hovering above me he tells me to continue on but just this time… just this time it was not telling me to not look around but just go straight this time so I do The sand is as hot as the rough tongue feels coffee is It pours in makes me walk quicker The sand gets hotter on my bare feet I walk quicker I begin to run I run I run the hot wind circulating under my arms I lose consciousness of the outside tunnel vision the runners high until I bump into an old man with deep lines all over his face and wide glaring eyes that cause mine to mock his but then I ask: Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why… and even sometimes How? and When?
For the first time tonight I was really really scared I could lose it and very much still am My sanity was knocking over at Mr. Infinity’s door pleading to negotiate… poor things all bruised, wired out and shit.
HELLO… HELLO There has TO BE somebody out THERE I can feel you please help me find you don’t you understand How BAD I need you somebody just to hold onto and to love and care for I HAVE SO MUCH TO GIVE Deanna says if you forget about that need then a person to love will appear I’ve done that before I’ve done that before – obviously never worked I care so much where’s reciprocation? What about me I need to go into a big city for awhile I wish I could smoke in here! I just thought of something: I feel there’s something missing in all this just like all the shit I write, so that must mean that it’s “real” because I feel there’s something missing in life itself, that’s why nobody can get a grasp of what anything is.
Why is something A okay one minute and the biggest sin the next? I can't keep going from the best girlfriend ever to a lazy worthless whore. He needs help, I don't know if he's going to follow through on his promise. Yes, I'm on methadone, and it makes me forget shit, it makes it hard to get up in the morning. So does my active choice to stay up past when it would be wise to go to bed because I can't get enough of the nice loving Owen. I'm so tired of this. I can't fix things if I'm not told they're wrong! Fuck, finish later. I just don't want to be wasting my love. I know I'm the kind of person who needs love to feel like living.