Why

Why is my mind such a cage that i lock myself in? Why is it that love is such a hard thing? Why is it we say we are "falling" in love? Is it because we know that when we fall we can get hurt. And we usually do. Why does my brain complex such things as a kiss. Because i found that i was more than willing to get turned on and flirt around even let them grab me again only willingly this time. But when N tried to pull me in for a kiss i would not let my head budge. However when it comes to a married man who i like i can look into his eyes and kiss him and be completely fine with it. His wife is fine with it or so she claims. Why is it that a kiss is more intimate to me than the sex that may come after it? Why is it that we find an amazing person at the wrong time? Why couldnt have i just answered the damn phone? And let my ex be mad at me then. I wish i would have answered for you and i am so sorry that i cant tell you about the dreams i had if you and i. I miss you. And call me crazy but i think you might miss me too. Should i try to never kiss your lips again? Could i bare that tention and pain? Why is it i want to kiss you right now. Why did i have to wait 2 months to finally return your call? Im sorry.. And im desperately sorry that i might love you. Why do i trap my mind into corners that i can not escape from? Im the only one in the ring but the scary thing is im facing myself.

Sides of road rotating in my mind’s eye as the Butthole Surfers turn into a fly I’m shy I wish I could fly I can’t cry Really weird tonight it’s scary I don’t get scared by the possibility of dying there sometimes seems to be no rope my eyes scare me make me think weird I’m starting to crap out I’m not sure if I’m going nuts or just realizing more turning slowly I see a hole I jump in and hit red circles going around sitting in a mall an older lady is walking past me we catch eyes for a few she looks back forward and continues for another let’s say 20 steps has a heart attack and dies I turn back around, obviously stunned there’s somebody I know don’t know who but I know I know him he follows and comes up to me looks at me real hard grabs my shirt screams that I’m no good anymore that I’m not right I get up walk down the beach with gulls whistling and screaming as they circle above me I look up hoping I didn’t get shit in my face though. There’s one directly hovering above me he tells me to continue on but just this time… just this time it was not telling me to not look around but just go straight this time so I do The sand is as hot as the rough tongue feels coffee is It pours in makes me walk quicker The sand gets hotter on my bare feet I walk quicker I begin to run I run I run the hot wind circulating under my arms I lose consciousness of the outside tunnel vision the runners high until I bump into an old man with deep lines all over his face and wide glaring eyes that cause mine to mock his but then I ask: Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why… and even sometimes How? and When?

I’ve been thinking about just leaving this house The thoughts knocking at my reactor door wanting to get in Gawd I wish they would quiet down

For the first time tonight I was really really scared I could lose it and very much still am My sanity was knocking over at Mr. Infinity’s door pleading to negotiate… poor things all bruised, wired out and shit.

“…I feel the rain I feel the rain… gotta kill the pain…” - Violent Femmes

What do I have to do for some company don’t say wait or don’t think about it I’ve already tried that. GAWD I’M SO LONELY FUCK I’M SO LONELY

HELLO… HELLO There has TO BE somebody out THERE I can feel you please help me find you don’t you understand How BAD I need you somebody just to hold onto and to love and care for I HAVE SO MUCH TO GIVE Deanna says if you forget about that need then a person to love will appear I’ve done that before I’ve done that before – obviously never worked I care so much where’s reciprocation? What about me I need to go into a big city for awhile I wish I could smoke in here! I just thought of something: I feel there’s something missing in all this just like all the shit I write, so that must mean that it’s “real” because I feel there’s something missing in life itself, that’s why nobody can get a grasp of what anything is.

WHY ARE OUR LIVES PARALLEL?! Why does everything about us say we should be together, and why aren't we?

Why is something A okay one minute and the biggest sin the next? I can't keep going from the best girlfriend ever to a lazy worthless whore. He needs help, I don't know if he's going to follow through on his promise. Yes, I'm on methadone, and it makes me forget shit, it makes it hard to get up in the morning. So does my active choice to stay up past when it would be wise to go to bed because I can't get enough of the nice loving Owen. I'm so tired of this. I can't fix things if I'm not told they're wrong! Fuck, finish later. I just don't want to be wasting my love. I know I'm the kind of person who needs love to feel like living.