- 8 thoughts
- Log in to add a thought
I know this is a strong word, and I really don't want to be ruled by it, but I'm feeling some strong emotions which are preventing me from sleep and I need to be allowed to get out some of the negativity. I need to be allowed to be human.
I need to get myself back into counseling, some recent happenings have been bringing stuff back to the forefront and I don't want to run from it like I've done before. I have so much to be thankful for, so much good in my life right now, and yet the only thing I can find to be grateful about right this moment is that I'm alone with no one to touch me. It's almost like a switch has been flipped in my head, and that scares me. I'm tired of feeling insecure, and I want to get back to looking forward to being touched. I need a positive experience, desperately.
Edged in trailing lines of blackened veins.
I have never f-ing hated someone so much in my life. I hate my brother and sister-in-law. I'm sitting in my own living room watching my mother cry her eyes out because of how horribly they have treated her. I want to call and scream at the top of my lungs at them to get over themselves. I just don't know what to do. Nothing works. They're both just arrogant asses who don't know how to let go of misunderstandings. And I'm f-ing tired of them ruining my family. I can't even look forward to my own freaking wedding because they will be there and the tension is unbearable. I just don't even have words to explain what I feel right now. I would love to just tell them not to bother showing up, but I know that wouldn't solve anything. I just don't want them at the wedding if they can't even be happy for my fiance and I.
The real key for me was becoming, eventually, extremely good friends with the guy who essentially bullied me throughout high school. Eventually we became really good friends. So, I figured if the guy I hated most in the world could become, so quickly, a really great friend in the next minute with just a little forgiveness - then forgiveness has an extreme power.
In fact, ever since, I find that I not only LET people walk all over me, and take advantage of me - I ENJOY being used and walked all over. Because I feel like i'm fucking Jesus. Only I can truely turn the other cheek. Only I am willing to take everyone's shit and fucking LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT. That makes me feel great, witch just keeps the cycle going.
I don't hate very often, I don't generally like to be so virulently negative about anything. but I've been turning hurt to hate of late, lashing out against what upsets me with almost irrational vitriol. I hate. and when I think of what I hate, for a while it so consumes me that I hate with every inch of me, every fiber in my body shivers with it. I want to tear it down, destroy it and all it touches, defile and erase it.
I hate these conversations that turn into arguments. I'm tired of them always sticking up for her. "She's your little sister." Yea, and she's not going to learn unless you let her bump her ass a few times. I hate the double standards. If I tried to pull have the shit she does I'd be pounded, she pulls it and gets a "talking to" or they just fix it. Goddamnit! I'm just tired of all the pointless shit. And I hate that it always comes back to "Well, your college expenses... you need to do this and this and this." I mean, I know that I have to work my ass off and that I need to start getting ready to pay shit off as well. but I'm pay thousands of dollars too... you're not the only ones fucking paying for me to go to school! Damn it! I'm so tired of it.... I hate it so much and it makes me hate him even more. He needs to back the fuck off of me. I have enough problems with my fucking anxiety, I don't need him adding to it. I am just done. I'm done with the frustration. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling as though I am the cause of all problems and all of everything that goes wrong in their lives. I hate this so much! I hate him and all the shit he gives me. I got scholarships! Isn't that enough? I mean, Jesus fucking christ! I hate feeling like I'm the vacuum sucking up all their money. Maybe if he stopped spending it on frivolous things and then told my sister to stop spending it on cloths and shoes and things that she doesn't really need. Damn it!
I really think I might hate him. I've tried so hard my whole life to pretend like it was all ok. I tried so hard to make myself like him, and for what! I've had enough of his bull shit. I can't wait until I can get the fuck out of here. He treats me like his fucking puppet, and as much as i hate to admit it I am. I do whatever the fuck he says. I'm tired of it. I tried so fucking hard, but now I'm done. I'm done trying. It's a lot easier for me to just let myself hate him than to keep trying to fight it. So you know what? I hate him. I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!