Hate

I know this is a strong word, and I really don't want to be ruled by it, but I'm feeling some strong emotions which are preventing me from sleep and I need to be allowed to get out some of the negativity. I need to be allowed to be human.

I hate that for the first night in a long while, I needed to wear clothes when I sleep.

I hate the nasty feeling that envelopes me when I think about the way another guy touched me during a massage at a recent event.

I hate that I can't overcome all this with what has normally empowered me, a little bit of nudity.

I hate that I feel like I must shove my need for opening up to the people I trust down the deepest part of my subconscious.

I hate that this is the first night in a while where I cried myself to sleep.

I hate the memories that just won't fucking go away. That bastard never should've touched me or my sister.

I hate how numb and broken I feel, and yet the pain seems to sear me sharper than anything I've physically felt.

I hate that I seem to feel so serious all the time, that I can't relax with a little bit of humor.

I hate feeling like a poison is slowly killing me, and I don't know what to do about it anymore.

I hate how negative this week has turned out to be, it's not at all what I wanted. I know you can't always get what you want, but that shouldn't mean that you can't want things from the beginning.

I need to get myself back into counseling, some recent happenings have been bringing stuff back to the forefront and I don't want to run from it like I've done before. I have so much to be thankful for, so much good in my life right now, and yet the only thing I can find to be grateful about right this moment is that I'm alone with no one to touch me. It's almost like a switch has been flipped in my head, and that scares me. I'm tired of feeling insecure, and I want to get back to looking forward to being touched. I need a positive experience, desperately.

I wish you all the pain and misfortune a cold heart can bring you.

When chilling breath rolls from your mouth in misty clouds,

Frigid smoke from a victory cigar,

Your lips and nose will be frost bitten holes,

Edged in trailing lines of blackened veins.

Is it hard to see yourself in frosted glass,

Covered with the spider webbing cracks of early morning ice?

A small map of your lies, chipped from the glacier.

I have never f-ing hated someone so much in my life. I hate my brother and sister-in-law. I'm sitting in my own living room watching my mother cry her eyes out because of how horribly they have treated her. I want to call and scream at the top of my lungs at them to get over themselves. I just don't know what to do. Nothing works. They're both just arrogant asses who don't know how to let go of misunderstandings. And I'm f-ing tired of them ruining my family. I can't even look forward to my own freaking wedding because they will be there and the tension is unbearable. I just don't even have words to explain what I feel right now. I would love to just tell them not to bother showing up, but I know that wouldn't solve anything. I just don't want them at the wedding if they can't even be happy for my fiance and I.

I don't understand. My brother and I used to be close. It's all her.

You don't like me, but that's okay, you have shitty taste in music.

This is to comment on someone's observation that the word "love" here has more thoughts posted than "hate" does.

I myself tend not to hate. I consider it a failing, as a person, if I hate anything. I don't consider dislike or disappointment, or similar as hating.

The real key for me was becoming, eventually, extremely good friends with the guy who essentially bullied me throughout high school. Eventually we became really good friends. So, I figured if the guy I hated most in the world could become, so quickly, a really great friend in the next minute with just a little forgiveness - then forgiveness has an extreme power.

So, ever since, no PERSON can anger me. I still find myself getting enraged at inanimate objects now and then. But I can't seem to get mad at people.

In fact, ever since, I find that I not only LET people walk all over me, and take advantage of me - I ENJOY being used and walked all over. Because I feel like i'm fucking Jesus. Only I can truely turn the other cheek. Only I am willing to take everyone's shit and fucking LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT. That makes me feel great, witch just keeps the cycle going.

it's cute that the love thoughtword has so many more thoughts than hate.

I don't hate very often, I don't generally like to be so virulently negative about anything. but I've been turning hurt to hate of late, lashing out against what upsets me with almost irrational vitriol. I hate. and when I think of what I hate, for a while it so consumes me that I hate with every inch of me, every fiber in my body shivers with it. I want to tear it down, destroy it and all it touches, defile and erase it.

it feels good sometimes, the hate. it's cleansing away the hurt with fire. I can live again because I hate.

I hate these conversations that turn into arguments. I'm tired of them always sticking up for her. "She's your little sister." Yea, and she's not going to learn unless you let her bump her ass a few times. I hate the double standards. If I tried to pull have the shit she does I'd be pounded, she pulls it and gets a "talking to" or they just fix it. Goddamnit! I'm just tired of all the pointless shit. And I hate that it always comes back to "Well, your college expenses... you need to do this and this and this." I mean, I know that I have to work my ass off and that I need to start getting ready to pay shit off as well. but I'm pay thousands of dollars too... you're not the only ones fucking paying for me to go to school! Damn it! I'm so tired of it.... I hate it so much and it makes me hate him even more. He needs to back the fuck off of me. I have enough problems with my fucking anxiety, I don't need him adding to it. I am just done. I'm done with the frustration. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling as though I am the cause of all problems and all of everything that goes wrong in their lives. I hate this so much! I hate him and all the shit he gives me. I got scholarships! Isn't that enough? I mean, Jesus fucking christ! I hate feeling like I'm the vacuum sucking up all their money. Maybe if he stopped spending it on frivolous things and then told my sister to stop spending it on cloths and shoes and things that she doesn't really need. Damn it!

I really think I might hate him. I've tried so hard my whole life to pretend like it was all ok. I tried so hard to make myself like him, and for what! I've had enough of his bull shit. I can't wait until I can get the fuck out of here. He treats me like his fucking puppet, and as much as i hate to admit it I am. I do whatever the fuck he says. I'm tired of it. I tried so fucking hard, but now I'm done. I'm done trying. It's a lot easier for me to just let myself hate him than to keep trying to fight it. So you know what? I hate him. I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!