Buddhism

I hate and love it the most. All explanations for the "why" of life seem like intricate mental organisms, mostly parasitic. Dawkins coined the term meme when he described ideas as a class of organism. The meme was its version of a gene. Buddhism is alluring to me because of its, "see for yourself" "prove me right or wrong without any faith and with fuckloads of doubt," mentality. It's a thorn and parasitic for the very same reason. As far as I explored, it was true... but exploring takes time and you can't ever fully say that its not true. It could be just like the last thing you explored and actually found. It could be that your eyes just didn't hover over the landscape long enough for what was there to pop out to you. How long do you allow yourself to gaze out at the scene before you walk away? What if someone told you there was a priceless gem just waiting to be picked up and solve all your lifes problems in an instant? No matter when you walk away from the search Buddhism will haunt you, and however long you search the rest of life will haunt you. The fact that you're aging, not acquiring friendships or resources, not making a difference or leaving a mark.... it pulled me like a moth to a flame. I'm now perpetually haunted even in my most pleasant moments and especially in my darkest