Life

I see change as an immutable part of life. Is it therefore wrong of me to still have expectations of life? What even is life? I see a lot of definitions about life, but I very strongly believe that you yourself are literally life. It isn't just this thing that happens to you, I have to view it as the process of you living (If we really want to keep definitions simple, and I don't mean in the biological sense). But as I am wont to do, I add multiple layers of complication on top of a simple idea. When you expect something, part of that process is that you believe your expectation to come true. That it's guaranteed. But is it, really? Is it ok to set expectations if you have suspicions about it not coming to fruition? I would simply view that as accepting the risk and deciding that it's worth taking. And it isn't always inherently wrong for expectation to not be fulfilled, at least for me. I just think you have to be wise about the expectations you set in the face of uncertainty. I'm trying to make sense of my own beliefs about life because I have always thought that setting expectations for life is setting expectations for yourself. Is there any merit to the argument that setting expectations for yourself should be completely separate from expectations of life? While I do believe that life doesn't owe you a goddamn thing, I had still thought that setting expectations for it meant that you were working to better yourself in the end. That even if those expectations aren't met, you're still moving to another place in life. That it's not enough to just want things. But perhaps it really is the case that the only things you can expect out of life is that which is absolutely guaranteed, which to some means taxes and death. But you can't dumb life down to stuff like that, there must so much more to it. I don't want to believe that life just happens and there's ultimately nothing you can do about it. I want to believe that I happen to life and not the other way around. I feel that I must exert my own influence, to the point of becoming my own force of nature. Sure, there are indeed things that I will not be able to change. Like people; you can't control them, you can't tell them what to believe or how to live or where to take their own lives. But that doesn't mean that it's all just a struggle to be fought against. This is why it's hard for me to be around pessimists because the ideology invariably effects me. I would much rather be around a realist, someone who can ascribe good and bad definitions to life. I need to be around that kind of balance.

I realize that a short paragraph summing up a point of view on life is incredibly limited, but I have to start somewhere just to keep my own sanity. I will likely add on more to this thought as I continue to unravel what life means to me personally, but in the mean time I think this is a good place to start. I want to actively invite anyone willing to comment on how they approach life. What does expectation and life mean to you? How does the dictionary fall short on these terms and the connotations that come with them?

As a side note, I tend to be wary of anyone who claims to be a realist without actually giving thought to what that means. I realize I'm speaking to a stereotype, but I have run across people who are like that and they seem to believe that being a realist means understanding that life is very much pain and that's all it ever will be. I take issue with this as it seems to be pessimism disguised as realism. Albeit, I'm more than willing to try to look at it from another point of view should should one be presented.

I never thought this would be my life. Sometimes that's a terrifying thought that catches my breath and swallows the light and sends me spinning in a whirl of shame, guilt, and regret. Sometimes it's what gives me breath and brings the light.

I've heard that you're a new person every 7 years, molecularly & personally. Given this, and the undeniable proof of where I am now, I've stopped trying to look to the future. I've stopped trying to predict, with any certainty, what will happen in the next year, with relationships or jobs or family or anything. Again, that mix of choking and breathing.

In all of it, I just want to stand still for a second. I want to freeze time, and walk through where I am, to try and better figure it out.

Life
Is a poet’s vice
It is his heroin
He kills himself
Feeding his addiction
And we call his death-throes
“Art”.

I want to write a poem
To leave a written testimony for all to read
Of how much I feel for You
Of how happy I am to know You
One with the full power of my passion
For You
I want to paint a picture
So everyone can see how
Beautiful
You are to me
I want to write a book
Filled with the memories
of You
Which I cherish
With all my soul
But when I compare my talents
With what I want to say
Show
And remember
I realize to even try
Is to fail
For I could
Never
Do You justice

Life
This is what it’s like
Wonderful feelings of joy
You scream in agony

I want to
Laugh
I want to
Cry
I want to know
Why
I have done this, please.
I want to
Find
A piano
I want to
Sit
In front of it
I need to Play
My life story there
For all to hear
For all to experience
I want to be understood
I want
A hug.

So, it has occurred to me that I have been holding myself back for way too long. There are so many things I want to do! People I want to meet... Goals I want to accomplish. I have been so worried about how I look to others that I had forgotten... It really doesn't matter. I never gave a fuck what anyone thought before, so why now? A momentary...ok a fairly long-lived lapse of self-confidence? Well, I have come to some realizations, thanks to a few good friends and some serious soul searching... And I'm not hiding me anymore. ;)

The unexamind life does not go unjudged.

everything is falling back into place.

I am at that place between sleep and awake where I keep questioning my existence and consciousness and purpose and soul

and I can't help but think that the answer is right around the corner, tickling at the edge of my brain

if I could only retain enough focus to-

Kitty!

There's a life that's appropriate for me.

I can plot it out like a curve on a grid.

From where it begins to where it ends, it's a beautiful, proportional arc, that I could effortlessly glide along.

Urges have been steering me off of this course, erratically and ineffectively, like a shopping cart with one stuck wheel.

I have nothing to guide me and help me decide. Just feelings of passion, indifference, and irritation with myself. Should I follow what I'm passionate about, or should I hang onto my obligation to be useful to people, and to serve?

Hm.

I'll end up in the same place, regardless of what I do.

Maybe I need to figure out what's important to me.

Maybe I need to decide whether or not this sense of identity is helping or hindering me.

My fingernails have been digging themselves into my palms for awhile now. Maybe it's time they find a more worthy target.

On the surface, it would appear that I have no life, in the "get a life" context. I spend 90% of my free time alone in my room, I'm stuck in a go-nowhere job that barely makes enough for me to scrape by, I only have one friend, and I'm stuck in a long distance relationship.

Yet even though not much has changed, I'm starting to feel like I have a life. It's very humble, and very boring, but happiness is starting to creep into my life. Either that or my contentment is evolving into happiness.

Either way, this scares me. Being frustrated about the way my life was may have been, err... frustrating. But at least I knew I wasn't going to settle. I think I'm settling, and it scares me. I always knew I wanted more, but I never knew what I wanted.

Now I don't think I want anything else, except that I want to want more.

Ugh. This is giving me a headache. And it makes almost no sense outside of my head.

I never ever thought the pain would pass that I would mend my world of broken glass that my memories would come soon to fade and leave far behind my dark charade

there are many nights that i walk alone straying from the paths that lead to home hoping to find other souls like mine taking more hits, killing the time

wanting to stay in an altered state lost in a world only i can create taking my chances, throwing caution to the wind searching for a begining, hoping for an end

to these creatures that rise, and start to surround clawing at my mind, taking me too far down into the shadows that i've known all these years taking my emptiness, filling it with the tears

but a new hope is rising, along with my dreams as i stitch and repair my ripped open seams i open my eyes, take the deepest of breaths as who i used to be dies the quickest of deaths.

I've been rethinking my life lately and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I have alway been really content with my life, but just recently I found that I'm not happy with it. I don't know why. I have every reason to be happy with my life so why am I so sad? I just get really sad for some reason and then it tuns into anger. What is going on with me right now? Everything in my life is good, and there are aspects that I'm really loving. So why am I being such a spoiled brat?