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I want to write a poem To leave a written testimony for all to read Of how much I feel for You Of how happy I am to know You One with the full power of my passion For You I want to paint a picture So everyone can see how Beautiful You are to me I want to write a book Filled with the memories of You Which I cherish With all my soul But when I compare my talents With what I want to say Show And remember I realize to even try Is to fail For I could Never Do You justice
I want to Laugh I want to Cry I want to know Why I have done this, please. I want to Find A piano I wanto to Sit In front of it I need to Play My life story there For all to hear For all to experience I want to be understood I want A hug.
So, it has occurred to me that I have been holding myself back for way too long. There are so many things I want to do! People I want to meet... Goals I want to accomplish. I have been so worried about how I look to others that I had forgotten... It really doesn't matter. I never gave a fuck what anyone thought before, so why now? A momentary...ok a fairly long-lived lapse of self-confidence? Well, I have come to some realizations, thanks to a few good friends and some serious soul searching... And I'm not hiding me anymore. ;)
I have nothing to guide me and help me decide. Just feelings of passion, indifference, and irritation with myself. Should I follow what I'm passionate about, or should I hang onto my obligation to be useful to people, and to serve?
On the surface, it would appear that I have no life, in the "get a life" context. I spend 90% of my free time alone in my room, I'm stuck in a go-nowhere job that barely makes enough for me to scrape by, I only have one friend, and I'm stuck in a long distance relationship.
Yet even though not much has changed, I'm starting to feel like I have a life. It's very humble, and very boring, but happiness is starting to creep into my life. Either that or my contentment is evolving into happiness.
Either way, this scares me. Being frustrated about the way my life was may have been, err... frustrating. But at least I knew I wasn't going to settle. I think I'm settling, and it scares me. I always knew I wanted more, but I never knew what I wanted.
I've been rethinking my life lately and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I have alway been really content with my life, but just recently I found that I'm not happy with it. I don't know why. I have every reason to be happy with my life so why am I so sad? I just get really sad for some reason and then it tuns into anger. What is going on with me right now? Everything in my life is good, and there are aspects that I'm really loving. So why am I being such a spoiled brat?