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Some days I really don't feel like a human. I feel like a creature. Some half assed thing that wasn't meant to exist. I know better, but when you feel something so strongly that it seems to twist your bones and squint your eyes, logic isn't much of a weapon. I am, naturally, optimistic. Most of the time I have hope for myself, those I love, and the human race. Most of the time. The problem with anxiety is that it is timeless. When I feel it, it seems I've always felt this way and always will. At those times, being dead and cold seems attractive. Calm. Peaceful. But I'm either too brave or too chickenshit to off myself. Most of the time I think it's bravery, or at least stubborness. Quitting has never been an option. That's why I still talk to my mom. That's why I've had multiple year relationships that shouldn't have gone past six months. I guess it's also why I'm still alive. A mixed blessing, as if there is any other kind. Mostly I'm just lonely, I guess.