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When you told me of the meeting later tonight in that grim voice you get when you know it's going to get ugly, my reply was instantaneous. "I'll come too," I said, immediately invigorated by the prospect of finally witnessing the sticks and stones that have been breaking your heart of late. I would bear witness, I would pass my judgement on those poor fools who doubt you, and I would tear them apart.
You know me too well. You saw the bloodlust gleam in my eyes, you heard the snarl begin to rumble in my heart. "Please," you said. "I need you to not get angry. I need you to stay calm because I can't deal with arguing them down and keeping you from getting upset at once."
My inner attack-dog whimpered in dismay, but I nodded, remembering. Last time we had this situation, I got angry and you got angry and our helpless rage fed off one another til we were sick to death of it all. So the situation festered with our anger and it still isn't really resolved, like an old wound that aches in the cold. We can't let it happen again.
"I will be calm," I promised. "I will watch and listen and contribute and I will stay as cool as ice." And when it's over and your rage simmers through the night, I will be there to center you. I will hold you and soothe away the anger like an icecube on burnt skin and we will both be calm.
Everything around me is so calm right now. It's unusual to say the least. There's no one yelling at me, I'm not angry with anyone, and no one is angry with me that i know of. I am simply tired from driving all over Indianapolis and Greenwood and Fishers, cleaning, and working and such. Then thia evening I got to spend a good chunk of time with a friend of mine and a second good friend of mine. Now I sit here, listening to Bach and contemplating the events and drivings of tomorrow.
Usually I think of calm as a nice massage followed by a splotch of book reading and ending out with a candle being lit and me meditating in the rather dim light. But sitting here now, Nestled in amongst my pillows, I know for a fact that I am comfy and very tired, like a semi.