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Once again I experienced a slight rejection from the family. It hurts deeply. It’s really not their fault. I should probably be a little more persistent in my needs. They care. Maybe this week I can spend some more time at the apartment. I spent several hours on Thursday with Darrell at the apartment. Nice, but not a total fulfillment.
I discovered tonight how goddamn lonely I am. It’s run through my head before, but never with as much power as it did tonight. I have friends – and damn great ones at that – but I practically never get to spend any time with them.
I’m shaking awfully and I need to sleep. I want to shove this fucking pen through this paper as though I’m pissed it’s there. These words are loud in my head and I’m writing like time is being cornered. My eyes are getting heavy and are sinking to the back of my head where the light is unable to get to ‘em. They look at my hand gripping onto this pen in disgust for being there… What childish thoughts. I think I’m going mad! Fuck, I hurt so bad! My life tends to make me sad…
It's lonely out here. I know it's temporary and I'll meet people and yadda yadda. But for now, I miss you. The way you look at me when I'm excited about something to the point I can't keep my composure. The smile you have when you're being playful. Your compulsive climbing. I miss the way you taste. And I don't think I'll ever forget the way your hair smelled when we first met. I'm sappy today.
At night I lay in bed next to my lover and feel more lonely than when I lived alone. At least when I lived alone I had the notion that if we were together he would hold me, tell me he loved me, kiss me goodnight. I was wrong. We lay a foot apart but it feels like miles. If I try to touch you you just roll away or find a way to turn things around on me. Is it really that awful to hug someone you claim to love before bed? I don't think it makes me "oversensitive" to be bothered by the fact that my lover sees touching as a chore. I've expressed that it is important to me to exchange I love you's before bed because no one knows what the future holds. Apparently that is wrong of me also.
so here I am, miles from anywhere familiar, surrounded by strange new people and places. the bus routes are unfamiliar and the restaurants are different, everything is more expensive, the local accent is nearly impenetrable and I don't know many street names yet but I'm adapting, forcing myself to familiarise myself with it all. I've been here just over three weeks now, and it's gone pretty well so far. aside from the terrifying first night, I've been basically too busy to get scared or lonely. until today.
I know this feeling. the tightening in my throat, the panicky flutter of my heart, the creeping sensation of being utterly lost and alone, adrift in a strange land. and the realisation that this isn't just a holiday, a dream to awaken from, has set in.
I feel so isolated when I'm sitting here, staring at my laptop's screen... hoping, wishing for some one to visit me. I'm just feeling so utterly alone, and I don't want to feel sorry for myself nor do I want anyone elses' pity, I just want it out there on the table. I'm lonely and it's making me so much more depressed. No one around here really understands because they've not been here before. I hate it.... I mean, I know my friends would like to be here but they can't be.... they're too far away or too busy for little old me. I just wish that I lived in one of the extremes that they live in.... Indy, the Region, southern Indiana.... whatever.... just one of those locations that isn't quite so out of reach as this hell hole.
More than anything, I want him to be here to hold me in his arms and tell me that it's okay.... that it'll be alright and I don't have to keep my brave face on, I can cry.... But I hate feeling sorry for myself.... I just don't have anything else to think about... But I don't know.
I miss being around people like I am when I'm in school. I miss school. I hate moving back to my house and then waiting for the school year to begin again. It's so terribly lonely here. I just want to move back in with all of my friends and to be back in a city where even more friends live. I hate being lonely like this, it makes me so depressed. Summer is depressing anyway, it just makes it harder when I'm alone..... Hopefully I'll see some of them soon. I know I'll see them all in July, well not all of them but a great many.
Two years ago, one of my TA's was looking for volunteers for a study on loneliness. We were to sit in a room with her for half an hour and talk to her about a moment when we felt the most lonely. She kept me there for two hours. Just talking about loneliness. I think I said something that she didn't expect.
I said that loneliness was not about being with people or being with someone or having noise around you. It was about control. It was about losing control of yourself or the situation, putting that control in the hands of other people, and somehow they drop the ball, whether or not it's their fault at all.
Maybe this is just me, but I've never felt lonely just because I couldn't be with someone I wanted to be with. I would have never made it through Junior High if being by myself when I didn't want to be meant feeling lonely. Loneliness comes when you invest your idea of happiness in someone else, and they can't be there, and you can't do anything to change it. As long as there is somewhere else to invest your happiness, you do fine. I've never felt lonely when I didn't already feel helpless.
My moment is one I'll remember vividly for the rest of my life. I loved someone very much, and he wanted to kill himself. He was drunk and hundreds of miles away from me, and he called me to say goodbye. I walked campus alone in the rain yelling into my cell phone. I was frantic and I didn't know what to do. I called my mother on the other line at 3 am. And she didn't know either.
would you help me win a battle cause my hate and fear, or stand aside, say you'd cry, for all my needs and tears, even when the world dismissed, I know it'll surly will, would you heal my broken heart and take away this pain.
I feel incredibly lonely whenever I've been away from certain people for too long. It doesn't matter who I'm near, who fills my room or pressence with their magnificent selves, I'm feeling so very alone. Like right now.... I feel empty because there will be a great deal of time before I can return to a place in which I am never alone, a place that is almsot holy to me now. I could be completely by myself, and just walk into this place and I'm surrounded by all of them again. They are the ones who live in my memory and when I'm feeling lonely, they are the ones who give me that hope again. They are the few that I love, that I treasure, that I keep inside my head. I never have to be physically near them. I need only to go back into my head. I recess there and suddenly I'm not so lonely anymore.