Gone

I know that it's good that we're all successful now, with paid vehicles and business lunches and fancy offices, but I think I'll always miss being broke and stuffed into a dirty house, packed full of other broke college kids with you. I know that that's just a phase that you pass through to get to a more comfortable life. The shitty job, the shitty house. But there's something sad about leaving it behind.

A place where I worked for five years is gone now. A place that framed five years of my life only exists in my memory now.

It's kind of scary when it's gone. It gives you a sense of perspective.

It feels like crossing a bridge and having it collapse behind you. Over, and over, and over again.

I keep reaching for something to grab like half an inch below my chin, but there's no beard there anymore. Damn.

It sucks to come to the realization that someone is gone.

My aunt died a couple of months ago.

When I found out, I cried uncontrollably, and I cried quite a bit the days afterward.

It hurt so bad to find out that she was dead, but it was still like I never comprehended it.

She's gone.

Forever.

She won't be at our yearly family gathering. I'll never struggle to end a phone conversation with her. Never again will I delete another forwarded email from her. I feel like I never appreciated her enough while she was alive, and there is no way to do it now.

Worse than finding out she died is realizing she's gone...

I can't imagine live without him. I don't know what I'll do when he's gone forever. All though, with the two of us, nothing is forever. Life is temporary, but I don't want him to go somewhere and me not be able to reach him when I need help. He watches over me, cares for me, loves me. And I love him, frequently send out my own batch of watchers, and try and care for him. He's about 40 years older than myself, 43 to be a bit more exact. He's not related to me in blood, but we have a deep bond that keeps us together. Sometimes I do believe in fate, and he's one of the reasons why. He was a friend of the family through a bit of work my dad did for him. I met him when I was very young, over ten years ago I'd imagine. He was subtle at first, slowly teaching me things that he knew I needed to know, guiding my steps along a path that would, ultimately, lead me towards inquiry, curiosity, and a path leading me to my personal enlightenment. I worry about him. He's a grandfather now, with a lovely boy from his youngest daughter, who I've been friends with for years. He has so much to live for, but I wonder if that will keep his pattern from ending. I shall go see him this week if he is alright with that, I think. last time I saw him, I looked quite ridiculous and out of place. I was on my way to meet another friend and thought I'd stop in for a spell. Perhaps this time, the two of us could sit down for coffee and discuss a few things that need to be discussed. I just don't know what I would do if he were gone forever. I rely, in some respects, of his approval. Strange. I don't give a damn what anyone in the world things about me with the exception of 3 people, and he's one of them. The other two are my grandmother and Aunt.