Past

I find myself in a perfectly normal (for me), productive, and happy relationship. yet i still think about what we once had. I fight the memories of my feelings for you both romantic and sexual. I fight the memories of the things we did together. why, might you ask, do I fight so hard? it's quite simple really, if I don't fight, if I don't call them memories I know my future will never work. If I were honest with myself I would just admit that I still love you, that I have to try not to think about you when Im thinking about sex with her. You push against the walls of my mind, constantly reminding me of how much you mean to me while I try to pretend it was just a fanciful dream. I don't know that'd you'd really understand. I get the feeling that you'd say you did.

The past is a strange thing. Here we spend most of our lives running from it. Trying to make a better future and what we end up doing is creating a cycle where you fall back into it all over again. You can't look to the future without a past and you can't live in the now holding onto one. Here I sat torn and confused and I wonder what it would be like to wake one morning and just not remember, not care, and be able to move forward without the struggle