Hope

All the filth pours out my eyes when I’ve been given the chance to cry. And then I can look back up at the stars, their streaks of light stretched even farther by my misty scope, to realize there is still hope.

Feels like we've hit our climax. It only goes down from here.

Sometimes it comes to me in pangs, much like anger and sadness. In these times, for a split second, I can see the space between where I am and where I want to be as a set of actions instead of an overwhelming blob of shortcomings. I've learned not to expect those moments to last, but now I'm trying to make the most of them. There's too much to do in this world to dwell long in despair.

Maybe I have too much hope. I think there is good in just about everyone. And I hope that when someone says they are telling me the truth, they are. But I keep finding out more and more are lies.

I just found out a friend of mine is going to be at my school this next semester, and I can't even explain how happy that makes me. It is such a relief to know that someone else, someone who understands, will be here. I doubt we'll be that close, I think we only were before because of proximity, but still. I hope that we can at least hang out a bit. Though I probably shouldn't start out with such high expectations, I'm a bit more vulnerable to disappointment than normal lately....

So I guess I hate that I have hope. I just gave the girl I like/don't like/like relationship advice. Like, good relationship advice too. This dude sounds more and more like me the more she talks about him, and I am like a terrible boyfriend. She was saying she wanted to just dump him, and I was saying you should probably tell him he's pissing you off first. He sounds like he hasn't outgrown the "there is only one person for me and this is it" stage. Fucking sucks for him.

I hope he doesn't think It's weird. I would hate that. We hardly ever talk anymore, and that's fine. I mean I don't particularly like not talking to him but I'm not making a big deal out of it. It's cool if he doesn't want to talk to me. I just want him to know that I'm there for him if he needs me. It was just a gift to let him know that someone's thinking about him. I just really don't want him to think it's creepy or stalkerish.

...maybe I'm making too big a deal about this.

My worst fear is going my whole life alone. Never finding myself with anyone that makes me happy.

Its terrifying me especially now because not only does it seem to be an increasingly likely fate, but now even trusted friends are agreeing with me that it is. The people I rely on for the hope that it won't.

You know the situation is grim when even your friends agree you'll never be happy. When people give up on sympathy.

My llife is rooted in hope. I need it to get me through the day. I need to hope that my mom is going to get better. I need to hope that I'm getting into my college. I need to hope that i can make it through just one more day. If I didn't have hope I would crumble. I am crumbling but hope is what allows me to pick of the pieces and glue them back together before any more falls off.

This is not related to the general post but, if there was a section here where you wrote down what you’re listening to right now I would list “Run” as sung by Leona Lewis. The original song was great, but this is just exceptionally beautiful. The lyrics aren’t really appropriate for the situation but, it’s the song I am feeling the most right now. It’s kind of bittersweet but full of hope. It’s largely about saying goodbye, all of this makes it appropriate for the rest of this entry. Should you want to listen to it for yourself http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgdRHH1gis4 I highly recommend it.

It’s better this way. I know it is. But the situation is a complicated one and although I know what has happened is what I needed to happen, it is what will help me move on, but some part of me is sad that I happened.

It’s stupid, I know. Pity I wasted such a dramatic opening paragraph on a boy, and furthermore one that most assuredly had nothing beyond friendship with me.

For months I have been complaining about him and the way he engages in flirty behavior with me. I know it means nothing to him, he acts like this with most people, and furthermore he has a very serious relationship with his girlfriend.

I have come to the conclusion that men simply do not find me attractive. I never get hit on, no one shows remote interest in me, the last time anyone asked me out almost 7 years ago when I was 50 pounds lighter. I have never gotten so much as a kiss in my 22 years of existence. Although I am most certainly not desperate in terms of lowering my (very reasonable) standards, my morals, or changing who I am In order to get someone; I am kind of desperate for attention and affection.

The whole no sex thing does not bother me. I know it’s something I am not ready for at this point in my life, and on top of that I am so darn Catholic that I honestly don’t think I could let go and enjoy the experience unless it was with the man I intended to marry. Yes, I am aware of how fucked up that happens to be this day and age. What I really long for is the simply physical contact hand holding, hugging, cuddling, and yes I long to get that elusive kiss which just hasn’t happened yet.

For someone who has received as little physical contact as I have the little things count. It is hard to stop your mind from giving you hope when for the first time there is a guy who will hold your hand and play with your hair. The first time I saw him I thought he was cute, but then we actually became friends. For a while it was easier to pretend that there was some hope for me, that maybe there was some interest on his side of things. And it was exceptionally easy to do this when his girlfriend existed as no more then the faceless entity who lived on the other side of his cell phone.

I’ve spent far too many hours bitching about how much of a tease he is, it’s unknowing but he still is one. I know that if situations were reversed and he was the one whose never been kissed and I was the one with a boyfriend who kept sitting on his lap and doing other things that 9 out of 10 times count as flirting, I would be labeled a tease. But he is a guy and he does this because he is ADHD and its funny most of the time.

I knew he wasn’t interested in me romantically. But every fiber of my being wanted to believe that it was possible, that someone could be attracted to me. Being single does not bother me so much as the complete lack of interest. Everyone wants to feel that they are desirable on some level, and I just couldn’t stop my heart from hoping that maybe on some level he was attracted to me.

When I was younger I believed that everyone had a soul mate, and now I believe that few of us are ever lucky enough to meet them. I believe in fate and I believe that God has a plan, but lately I have been saddened but completely accepting of the prospect that it may be in God’s plan for me to be alone. If you’re a catholic you really can’t be pissed when bad things happen to you. Look at what God did to his own son, look at the saints and all of the horrible gruesome ways they were tortured to death; bad things happen even to the people God loves most. And my life really isn’t that bad (especially in comparison) sure I am chronically single and I have a serious illness, but I’m an upper middle class white American; my life is still pretty good.

To be loves, to be desired is really all I want in this world. I have a lot of great friends and relatives who love me, but the experience of being in love is markedly different then other types of love. Sometimes you can long for something so hard it hurts, and when I realized my worst fear was that I would die alone I set out to conquer it. I realized that my life could still be great and have lots of meaning even if I never did meet anyone, that if I get a high enough paying job I might be able to still adopt children, that I could still do 90% of the things I wanted to accomplish in my life. So I conquered that fear, genuinely and truly I do not fear dieing alone. But which such a great leap there had to be a sacrifice, to loose fear I gave up hope.

In a time where I had given up all hope of ever being in a relationship, here comes this guy waking up all of the things in my heart which I wanted to be dead. And again it was unintentional on his part, I always knew that it meant nothing to him when he would rest his hand on my shoulder or play with my hair. I knew it, but somewhere inside of me I couldn’t stop myself from hoping.

And that is why it has been bothering me so much. It’s not about him, even though I am attracted, it was what he represented. In a sea of indifference he was the one guy who paid attention to me, the one guy who would show me affection. And although the only hopes given to me were false ones, my heart just wanted to hold on to that so badly.

A friend of mine mentioned to him that his behavior bothered me, and it’s really a good thing she did. He confronted me about it and said that he wouldn’t do that anymore, and he hated to make people uncomfortable, and that I should have told him. I never would have told him. I didn’t want to risk hurting his feelings or offending him, by saying that something bothered me and not be able to give an explanation. No good could come from me telling him that his behavior bothers me because I like him. He has a very nice girlfriend and if nothing else it would create a huge amount of awkward between us, it just would be a bad idea. I can’t lie to people I am friends with so I would not be able to do a good job of making up fake excuses.

I need to move on from this, I have been trying to for a long time now. The man is not as good as the idea he represents to me, and he is with someone else. Having him stop his flirty behavior for lack of better term is what I need so I can get my heart and mind back under control.

This is the way it has to be. In the end it really is the best thing that could have happened.

But I have to admit when I found out there was this part of me felt sad. Because no there is no man who will give me attention, and as much as it hurt I will miss false hopes he gave me.