Hesitation

The other night, my mother and my father and I talked about introverted people and extroverted people, and how I'm most decidedly an introverted person, in spite of any tendencies for non-introverted activities like theatre, or running a student organization. My mother made the observation that I was so decidedly introverted because I never made the effort to seek out other people. I always made them come to me. They had to call first. And I guess this has always led them to think that I don't care about them. In retrospect, I don't see why they wouldn't. I guess I always just assumed that no one would want much to do with me, and attempting to strike up a conversation was "bothering them." I always start to call, and then I hesitate, assuming that they're much cooler than I am and wouldn't want much to do with me.

So tonight, I wrote an instant message to someone who I should have called a long time ago. Someone I should have called first. Someone I should have never stopped calling. And here's what I said:

"Hey.

I know you're not around and that this probably sounds really stupid. But I'm dumb, so I'll say it anyway.

I'm really bad at this.

Anyway, I miss you. It's like, you're the biggest thing to ever happen in my life, and you just suddenly winked out of existence someday for some reason that, as far as I can gather in my limited capacity, was really, really stupid.

I don't know what I hope to accomplish by sending you this message.

I guess I just want to let you know that I still love you. I've never stopped.

I'm not expecting anything from you out of this, I just wanted you to know. Everyone could use a little knowing. And if you ever felt like dropping me an IM or a phone call, it certainly wouldn't be poorly received.

Goodnight."

And I was about to send it. And I hesitated.

M signed off at 2:19:56 AM.

I'm such a fucking loser.