Stupid

so I do this thing, right, when somebody I know is talking to me. I pretend I don't know stuff. even if I know perfectly well what they're on about, even if I know more than they do, even if they're downright wrong. I'll tilt my head a little and look a little curious, a little bemused, and they get the satisfying glow of explaining something to a silly girl. and I smile gratefully, I timidly proffer a thought, an elaboration on the theme, to show I have learned this valuable lesson from them, and they nod and smile benignly and feel good about themselves. I do this all the time, to everybody but my immediate superiors at work(because I'm not that stupid). the only explanation I can think of is that it makes me less of a threat if I'm a bit stupid. it's probably part of the submissive thing as well. I've been doing it for so long I don't even notice anymore, I don't even know when it started. I hate it. I hate that I feel like I have to present this nonthreatening, slightly ditzy, stupid face to get along with people and to fit in. the few times I've tried to snap out of it, I don't know, maybe I went too far, but nobody liked it. I was 'acting weird'. I got called a bitch a couple of times, and that really freaked me and my 'need to be liked by everyone' the hell out. maybe I'm not so likeable without the comforting blanket of stupid that lets people feel better than me. maybe I'll keep being stupid. stupid is so easy.

I purposefully act stupid. I do foolish things in plain view. I hide my intelligence so people expect less of me. I need to cut that shit out.