Call

It's scary to call you.

I don't know what to say to get you to say how you are. It's like I want to control your attention and concentration. It's like I know what you want to say. It makes talking to you so hard when we both find it so hard, though there's so much to talk about. I should just be happy to get ahold of you, to hear you say you're "pretty good." What do I say, how do I go around it to get the full story out?

I'm lucky to hear your voice. I'm luckier to get it in words (you say so much more in print).

Closer and closer til I call your house. I should feel mere tribulation in just that – in just knowing that you like me – just showing I like you and that our time for understanding and care draws nearer in any and every response and thought we give and produce from our regard.

You couldn't sleep. So you called me. I don't know why that terrifies me and makes me so happy at the same time. I guess it's that the possibility that, I know, both of us have been entertaining is becoming a reality.

I don't always want to be the one who has to call you. Sometimes, maybe just every so often, you could call me to see how I'm doing...Maybe you could show me that you care, even just a little bit. I don't like having to go rounds with you, waiting for you to call me and see if I'm okay or to see if I have had a nice week, or couple weeks as the situation has it. But I don't want to have to call and see how you are, to be the one who is curious enough to check in on the other.

Last night I called you because I was upset. At first you were static in your responses then we began to speak of other things, less important things. There's something about the way you were saying things that made me think that maybe you weren't quite serious about the topic we'd shifted to.

I know that you're attracted to me, and i know that you care about me, but something tells me that you don't really like my relationships with a few of the other guys. You, of all people, understand that I do not want to be in a one-on-one relationship with anyone right now. You say that you want me to have relations with other men, you say that you fully approve of my actions to point. I wonder what it is that you gain. The only way I can see it is black and white and I hate that. Either you're jealous and you don't want me to do any of these things, or you want me to fall into the arms of another man and leave you alone. I want to be your friend, I love being your friend in fact, but you don't seem to share the same sentiments some times. You're utterly fickle and I do like that about you, but right now I'm depressed and I need you.... Yes, I need you. I would rather that you were nearer to me, but college and other things have drawn us apart. I wish you would call me and tell me what you want from me because I'm just so confused. I want to be there for you and I want you to be there for me. That's what friends do. I don't know though. I'm sitting here on my porch in the exact same place as I was last night when I was talking to you. But what does that mean? Nothing, actually.... Just setting a location so that I can remember.

I think I'll give you another call or contact you in some fashion tonight but I don't really know why. You are, as you described, a double edge knife and I seem to be walking on the edge between, never quite sure how you're going to respond to me. Maybe I just created some image of you in my head that was entirely incorrect.... maybe you don't care at all. Oh well, silly me for trusting again.