Care

I care about you. Some people might say I'm not allowed to care about you, but I don't judge myself by society's standards, I have my own--literally, even. I fly my flag, not America's.

I care too much. It's a cumbersome habit, and one that I have constant urges to purge. If I didn't love people so much then maybe I could progress with my life in a direction independent of what's best for others. Maybe I wouldn't spend so much time questing for his affection that I know means less than I want it to. Maybe I wouldn't be so bothered by the knowledge that most people I love with never care about me with the same depth with which I care about them.

I've got enough pills to make myself stop caring for quite a while, but I've always hated escapism. It's just a tempting pit to fall into. Maybe it'd be a fun way to spend a vacation.

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Take my advice, use the pills as little as possible, while still maintaining sanity. The pills bring a wonderful blankness, a faux sense of peace, but sooner or later, you wake up, and realize how much pain you've caused others, and yourself, or you die, and inflict one of the worst types of emotional trauma on those who care about you.

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I've come to care about a great many people in the last two years. This was something i had, strangely enough, hoped to never do on a large scale. I have friends that know me very well, so well in fact that they almost know when things go wrong in my life before I do. I just don't know how I feel about all of that I suppose....

Over all I'm glad that I've been able to allow myself to let go of a lot of my boundaries, but I'm still just the same as I was before... closed off.... One person put it like "You're an open book with a titanium wall when you reach the middle.... if you find the keys to unlock the door and wiggle through the labyrinth, then you see something beautiful. You run for it, then you hit an invisible wall. Suddenly you're not sure who's infront of you..." I care for this person, more than most people in the world.

I spent this evening with someone that I care about quite a lot. He's become a very important part of my life since I've started to get to know him. He's so kind to me, and seems to genuinely care for me as well. I really hope that we stay close over the next years....I don't know.