Lately I've been processing how it seems my ex is doing better, and I still feel a hot mess. In some ways I am.
But I don't hide that from my kids.
Today I was thinking through some of our early agreements around enm, and one was to not date people in town because we were concerned for how it might change the kids' school lives.
But my ex still kept hitting on and asking to ask out, or just meeting in secret, the girls from the gas station.
I remember telling him once how gross they must feel knowing that the men coming through their line were sizing them up for date-ability, when they were making it through a work shift.
He still thought about those gals, mostly young and in vulnerable situations, as a dating pool.
Those are the things my kids won't see, and they'll see less and less the more distance they have from the family home and go out on their own.
It's a weird fear to be concerned with appearances when I have been fighting for inward peace, and the outward facing front isn't showing much change. But I feel so much more whole inside.
And all I can do is continue to sew relationship with my kids and hope they see it.