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There are things I want to tell people, but I can't bring myself to. So I drape them in metaphors and say them in code to audiences on stages in unassuming contexts. I've done it for years. I don't think anyone has ever seen through the disguise that my words wear. It doesn't matter. In those moments, I get a fleeting feeling of being completely open and honest with the world. Then the scene ends, the lights fade, and I feel more alone than ever.
I haven't told them that I failed a capstone class, and that I'll probably have to take 5 classes one semester next year just to graduate. I haven't told them I've started drinking. I'm not sure what they'll think of that... I mean my mom NEVER drinks, and I feel she'd do that whole "dissapointed" thing which just wrenches my gut and makes me more depressed. I haven't told them that I actually was extremely depressed last semester. So much so I was considering suicide. One of the things that saved me... not wanting my family dissapointed in me in death, and not wanting to leave behind all my debts. When I marry a millionare and he pays off my loans, that's when I'm free to die. I haven't told them that I just fail at relationships, that I can't get close to people without being afraid I'll ruin their life. I haven't told them that I'm incredibly lonely and their bringing up the subject just makes me more miserable. I haven't told them I'm so desperate.... I actually found a "mail order husbands" website, and a "sugar daddy" website when I went on a late night depressed browsing spree. At least I haven't had sex, or gotten pregnant... though I'm not sure they'd look down on that... my mom seems to be fine with the idea that my brother is in a very... ahem "Close" relationship. Maybe it's a failure on my part that I can't get close to people... that I can't even let my guard half-down when I'm drunk.
My friends are keeping something from me. I know that it is nothing important, and that I will probably find out within the next few days what it is, but I'm soooo curious! One friend asked me to hang out, and I said yes. But then I realized that I was busy, and told him we could reschedule. When I asked him what he wanted to do, he would absolutely not tell me. It was very strange. So I talked to my other friend about it, and she knew what was going on, but would not tell me. She just smiled and changed the subject. I'm so confused...I really want to know what is going on. I'm the kind of person who will come up with a million different scenarios of what it might be that will all be way worse than the actual thing... which is why I generally hate not knowing things... I guess I don't have a choice though. I do admit, however, that the suspense is kind of fun :DHe likes me...that was the secret...