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I am blessed.
Listening to lonely symphony that grips my heart. Makes me listless, highlighting my unproductivity. Makes me want to move on. Want to make love to a girl. Want to hold on to a hand, lead the way or be led – as long as I'm moving, as long as I'm with a companion.
I've been putting off my story for so long now. I've been lazy – reading, daydreaming, wishing to be with those certain people that keep me moving. Envy of the people that don't motivate me but expand my dreams. It's like when the sun is out while it rains – makes no sense at all. Those people – my heroes. My goals are brilliant and hot while I'm stuck under the rain. What to do.
An umbrella, a coat, shelter from the circumstance of persistant heaviness in the clouds – too weak to hold up the sky. I saw Empire of the Sun. Got afraid that it was too important to me. Saw it again. Almost cried. Bought the book. Want to live inside the beam of light that carries the fantasy. Bought the soundtrack. Want to see it again. Want it on VHS. Want to shake the hand of Christian Bale, smile, and hopefully see him smile. Want to hold him. Want to meet his parents. Want them to adopt me. To be his bi brother. Want to see him cry. Idolatry idolatry. Want to find out that he's a spoiled brat. No, not really… Obsession / compulsion.
I long for a tight relationship. I long, I wait, I displace and divert and exchange, I ache for father/mother figures. I want to find my real father. It is so incomplete without him, I have trouble accepting the evidence of my real mom, my real half sister and brother. Why do I treat her like a bad influence and with so much skepticism? I'm so tired, but I do not want to sleep. There's just too much to do.
Me: Your hair has gotten really light in the sun, I'm jealous. Sister: I told you my hair gets light. Me: Well, whatever, your hair gets lighter than mine, my skin gets darker than yours. Sister: But my tan looks better. Me: Well--- Dad: I think you're both beautiful. Sister: Actually, I'm gorgeous. Me: Actually, I'm the prettier one. Dad: Actually, I had to say that cause I'm your dad.
Just your average, every day, loving family...