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I fall like sunlight through the cracks of a life I was once destined to live. I can not wait for the shift to be complete. Part of me wants to skip over this turbulent part, but the other part wants it to last forever so I can hold onto the past and future with equal grip; never having to let go of either.
The first night, sleeping on a friend's sofa in a strange town so far from anywhere I've ever called home, was so desperately lonely. I could barely sleep, tossing and turning all night missing the nearness of you and wondering if this was all a huge mistake. I know it isn't, but for some reason I was just so scared.
I was thinking about it today at work, in that blissful mental place where I am incredibly productive and barely thinking about what my hands are doing with keyboard and stylus. And now I think I know why it's so scary, this change.
When you're a kid and you go to school, if you're anything like me you yearned for the day some years hence when you'd finish. And it was a set thing, you knew walking in that door on your very first day that in almost eight years time you would be gone again, moving onto the next big thing. It's the same again at secondary school and then at uni, and since I graduated I had been marking my time in his remaining terms. Because I don't have a graduation to look forward to any more. The only graduation from aldulthood is retirement and death, and those aren't really exciting things to look forward to.
But no matter how much I change and my life changes, I know that some things will be the same. It'll still rain all summer long, politicians will always lie, my bank account will always seem to be going down and never up, time will keep on keeping on, and in the background you'll still be there, doing what you do.
I feel as though I've changed a lot in the past three months. I feel as though that change was almost inevitable. Sometimes I feel so incredibly lonely and others I feel as though I'd like to be alone but over all I feel changed. I feel as though I am missing a great part of myself, like I've been somehow closed off from myself.
More than that though, I've been happier over all. Despite the fact that sometimes I'm too depressed to care about anything, I'm still happier than I had been. It's almost a horrible thing though. It seems for every day that I'm happy without restraining myself, it's followed by days of deep depression. This sort of manic change is almost too much for me.
Luckily I have something of an outlet. Someone I'm almost willing to take a chance on. Some one I almost need to take a chance on. I just hope that if I jump I don't just fall, and fall, and fall without anyone to catch me.