Girls

Who don't exist anymore.

... in lace up knee high matte leather boots. with flowing hair. who ran around with me in the McDonald's playplace when we were both seventeen. who made me feel strong, because I made them feel safe. who dance in the back of my mind, shimmying in a spotlight of nostalgia. with perfect B cups that filled my hands perfectly. who were willing to do anything, no matter how inane or stupid. Who broke my heart with idiotic ease.

cause boys wouldnt work for me but the idea is good who sing along with the radio in my car who sleep with their arm curled around me who cook strage food for me and call it dinner who buy me silly little things to make me smile who break my heart who kiss me with their eyes open who look at me, astounded, and tell me im beautiful who are beautiful themselves who play guitar who write poems and then hide them who have freckles on their noses who have ink on their hands who draw me pictures and want me to read more into them then i can who take long showers with me who know exactly how to please me naked who make stupid jokes who bite their nails who catch me when i trip who make me laugh until i hurt who kiss me fingers when i burn them who take me to parties, get me drunk and then put me to bed without doing anything i may regret in the morning who are so soft whose hair tickles my stomachas they move down my body who help me build things using a high heel as a hammer who push my hair off my face and smile at me

So it's been about three years since I've sat, bored to tears, through a conversation about clothes, shoes, makeup or boys. I never had much of an interest in any of the above(well, except boys) until very recently when I suddenly started lusting after clothes, spending stupid amounts of money on shoes, and reading about cosmetics.

And now I have nobody to talk to about any of this! Is it the lack of girlyness around me that's driven me to buying impactical shoes?

Almost all of my female friends are just that - friends that happen to be female rather than girls or even women. They're geeky, they play a lot of videogames(I mean, I play games too, but spending all day playing World of Warcraft is TOO MUCH), they live either in jeans and oversized tshirts or voluminous skirts and uncomfortable-looking corsets(why is it always the fat ones that wear corsets?), and they're pretty much all relentlessly crazy.

I just want a girlfriend or two to hang out with, talk about clothes, do each other's hair and go shopping together. Right now I get to pick between playing with my boyfriend's hair and letting him be patiently bored while I browse for clothes, or going out with a female friend and ending up going to Forbidden Planet so she can buy more cards because 'shopping for clothes is so boring, I don't know how you stand it'.

God damnit. Where did all the real girls go?

I have no friends that are girls.

The last one I had moved in and ate like Jabba the Hut =, didn't work and stole from me, after being my best friend for six years. Bitch.

The one before that stopped talking to me because her boyfriend told her too.

The one before that was a crazy weight obsessed sixth grader.

The one before that was in third grade, and her dad beat me up.

Before that, first grade. She moved.

I've had probably a hundred good friends who were male. And five that were female.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Sometimes I really hate girls. Sometimes I hate every part of me that is female. I end up coming off as incredibly sexist a lot of the time, and I guess that might be true, but I honestly think that women are psychologically different from men. Biologically. I don't buy into all this cultural "Barbie dolls ruined us" BS.

I've never met a woman who didn't get overly sensitive over stupid shit. And I hate that I do it too, when I get really tired or when I'm PMSing. I guess I'm mad that I resist it while no one else around me seems to be doing so.

I don't expect my boyfriend to read my mind. I don't play "my life sucks worse than yours" with my girlfriends. I hate that this puts me in the minority.

Ha! I like this. "Boys" and "Girls" with the two gender camps venting about what vexes them about the opposite sex. Being a straight guy, of course I have thoughts to contribute here. But I think I'll hop over to "boys" in time and share what I think about my fellow man too. Girls. As a rule, I hate stereotypes with a passion. Or rather, I hate it when people expect each other to conform to stereotypes. That's why I believed girl after girl when they told me shortly before sex that they understood that I wasn't at a stage in my life (at that time) where I was comfortable with someone being emotionally attached to me, and that I didn't want our relationship as friends and relationship as sexual partners to be strained by us not having a relationship as lovers. I didn't want to believe the "all girls fall in love with the guy that they have lots of good sex with" stereotype, because damn it's fucking disrespectful to think, "No, I don't believe her, because she's probably like 'all other girls'". But again and again, casual sexual relationships turned into drama and bitterness because the stereotype kept ending up being true. But my faith in humanity was restored by others, who remained good friends of mine with no disruption to our relationship after casual sex. And considering the matter made me newly self-conscious about not accidentally conforming to all of those negative stereotypes about guys. (I should continue this thought at 'boys')

Yeah... Back on the subject... I've always needed girls. Just a female presence around me to have some intimate connection with. Not necessarily a romantic relationship or sex or anything. Just as little as a warm hug from a ladyfriend every now and then recharges my soul in a profound way that I can't claim to fully understand. I could live without ever seeing a guy again, but I need the outlet of girls to stay balanced and sane. Without them, the passion in my heart would just well up and burst out of my chest like that thing in Alien and make an awful mess and there'd only be guys around to clean it up and they probably wouldn't because guys don't like cleaning anything.

So if you're one of my girl friends, thank you.

There's a "boys" catagory, so why not a "girls" one?

I used to be frustrated by girls. Now I've realized the problem is just the opposite - girls are frustrated by me.

I've realized plenty have found me attractive, but waited for me to make a move. Which I will not do.

I'd rather be alone than violate this principle.