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My life has never been a bed of roses.
My life has always been a sad emotion.
Feeling sorry's been my life's devotion."-MSI, *Bed of Roses*, Self-Titled
I have never like people hurting on my behalf. Hurting for others is my job, god damn it. While also hurting for myself. Like you do.
Depression has been a factor in my life for as long as I can remember. Or what looks like, and is easy to call "depression." Some of it was regular-ass sadness. Missing someone near-constantly as a small child, then a.. not-small child, is going to make anyone sad. Depression is often, easily, defined as "Sadness without reason." Layman's terms, but what else do I have?
I honestly think that shit set me up to always be missing someone. If I have access to everyone I want to be around, I just miss someone that doesn't exist. I make a person up out of longing and unfulfilled desires and childishness. Or I used to. It's been a very long time since I've had access to everyone.
I've been trying to stop hurting on behalf of others for years. Success is slow and hard-won. I'm figuring it out, though.
Hurting because I hurt, hurting over things I've done or had done to me, things I stuck around for or didn't see coming? All still as insurmountable as it was when I was fifteen. I'm pretty fucking sick of it.