Hurt

It's So Unfair Of You To Expect Me To Live In Pain While You Go Have A Good Time With Her. I've Given Chance After Chance To Your Undeserving Ass, And In The End... I'm The Fool.

I'm The Fool Who Believed In You, When Even Your Family Abandoned You. I'm The Fool That Never Left You Despite All That I Found Hidden In Your Closet! I Carried Your Child, Surrendered Myself, Lost All That Defined Me, Just To Make Sure YOU Were Happy.

When Do I Get My Piece Of Happiness? When Do I Get My Piece Of You?

I've never been hurt like this in my life....Maybe it's just that I've never cared like this before, I don't know, but it sucks. I fall in love with someone, devote a huge amount of trust to them and then they want a break. No, I don't want a break. I want to be with him. I've been absolutely god damn miserable all week, popping pills to sleep, not eating, crying all the time. Then, trying to play off like I'm cool, but I'm not and everyone knows it.

I just want him to change his mind, I keep waiting for that call where he's like "JK, I got you! hahahaha" but we got together today to talk and both of us wound up crying, I just can't handle this anymore. Crying in the rain outside of the corporate hell known as Star Bucks....fucking coffee joints... I mean, who stands in front of that kind a place in the middle of a huge city and holds you with the both of you crying only to say that he just wants to be friends. I don't want to be just friends....I want to fix this, I want to make it better. I want to be his and for him to be mine. He told me he would take care of me. He says he cares about me, but I cannot help but wonder if perhaps he was just saying things. I love that kid, and that's what it comes down to. I sit up at night crying my eyes out. I see him everywhere I go, I see him and I miss him....

We talked today and I told him I missed him, I told him I was fucking miserable without him, I told him I hated this whole situation.....And we cried.

We cried

And We Cried

AND WE CRIED

I just keep crying, too....that is I kept crying until someone who needed me called me and I had to instantly go into "I want to help you" mode, which is far more natural to me than sulking and feeling sad and wallowing in this awful state....

I just want it to be fixed... I mean, this hurts so bad and I just need it to stop. I want to lay in bed with him until noon and talk about how we should be doing other things.

I want to play smash brothers on the N-64 and laugh about how awful I am at that game.

I want to hold his hand and watch a movie in the X-Room where the A/C is....

I want to sleep curled up in his arms where I feel so safe, so secure, so loved that nothing can touch me. I wish to reside there forever more, in that perfect serenity of knowing that everything is gonna be alright....

I want him to look at me and smile as he sings "Why don't we do it in the road?"....

I seem to want an awful lot, but mostly, I just want it to stop hurting

Shit. This always happens. I always end up either hurting someone I care about, or they hurt me.

I care deeply about her, but I know it's not going to work out. She's an asexual. She feels romantic attraction, but none physical, not for men or women. She has no sexual desire towards anyone or anything beyond wanting to kiss me.

Sex isn't everything, I know. But I don't think I could go the rest of my life without having sex. Even if we made a compromise where I'm allowed to have sex with other people, I wouldn't be able to do it. I want her. But I can't ever have her.

Then a new girl comes into my life. I talked to her for the first time today, and she proposed to me. She wants to run away with me, and sadly I wanted to drop everything and do it.

She said I have no sense of adventure. I told her that I'm just going to end up being hurt.

I've known girls like this before, she's the kind I always fall for. She's going to break my heart.

I've never been so confused in my life. Either I stay with someone who I know will love me forever but I'll never be completely fulfilled, or I break her heart to be with someone who will surely break mine.

Someone is definitely going to get hurt.

I didn't mean to hurt you. I just wanted to be honest with you. You're one of the only people that I can really talk to, and I would give anything not to lose that. I can't even tell you how sorry I am. I didn't mean to screw things up like this...

please forgive me.

Just thinking about somethings we talked about last night, and I don't want to hurt you. That is the last thing I would want to do, and I hate that, that's what I'm doing.

But i also can't imagine not being able to talk to you. I don't know if I could handle that, especially now when everything else is screwing up. I know I'm being selfish. I feel like a horrible person for putting you through this.

So I want you to know that if you need me to step out of your life then i will.

Another thing I was thinking about was why we could talk anymore without you getting upset and me crying. And I think, at least for me, it's that a part of me is so upset about not being able to be with you. So when we talk maybe it comes out. I don't really know. I'll try to work on that.

But I don't want you to think that I'm angry at you. I'm not at all. Just at everything surrounding this situation.

Anyway, I guess what this comes to is that I don't want to stop being your friend, but if that's what you want then I completely understand, and I'll respect that. Like I said you don't need me serving as a constant reminder.

You hit me last night. You slapped me hard across the face. Because I wanted you to. Because for some unknown reason I need to feel that kind of physical pain when I’m with you. I need to hurt the way I hurt while you hold me. So afraid of all of the things that could take you away from me.

I was drunk and I begged. I begged and I pleaded while I ran my fingers up the inside of your thigh and gripped the waist of your jeans. While I flipped the button lose and slid inside your breath catching slightly as my fingers wrapped around you.

You hit me three times after I begged and promised to do things you have been asking for and patiently waiting for, for years now.

You hit me hard that last time and stared at me while I prepared to go down on you something I do quit often. Something that keeps me in control and that fear of you leaving far away.

You stopped me grabbed me and pulled me into your arms. You held me close to your chest and whispered “I’m so sorry” I wanted you to hit me. I wanted you to hurt me. “I don’t like to hurt you.” You said and we lay there in silence for a while.

That hurt far more than a slap to the face or the pull of my hair. That one cut deep and just made it all worse than it was before.