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I'm The Fool Who Believed In You, When Even Your Family Abandoned You. I'm The Fool That Never Left You Despite All That I Found Hidden In Your Closet! I Carried Your Child, Surrendered Myself, Lost All That Defined Me, Just To Make Sure YOU Were Happy.
I've never been hurt like this in my life....Maybe it's just that I've never cared like this before, I don't know, but it sucks. I fall in love with someone, devote a huge amount of trust to them and then they want a break. No, I don't want a break. I want to be with him. I've been absolutely god damn miserable all week, popping pills to sleep, not eating, crying all the time. Then, trying to play off like I'm cool, but I'm not and everyone knows it.
I just want him to change his mind, I keep waiting for that call where he's like "JK, I got you! hahahaha" but we got together today to talk and both of us wound up crying, I just can't handle this anymore. Crying in the rain outside of the corporate hell known as Star Bucks....fucking coffee joints... I mean, who stands in front of that kind a place in the middle of a huge city and holds you with the both of you crying only to say that he just wants to be friends. I don't want to be just friends....I want to fix this, I want to make it better. I want to be his and for him to be mine. He told me he would take care of me. He says he cares about me, but I cannot help but wonder if perhaps he was just saying things. I love that kid, and that's what it comes down to. I sit up at night crying my eyes out. I see him everywhere I go, I see him and I miss him....
And We Cried
AND WE CRIED
I just keep crying, too....that is I kept crying until someone who needed me called me and I had to instantly go into "I want to help you" mode, which is far more natural to me than sulking and feeling sad and wallowing in this awful state....
I want to sleep curled up in his arms where I feel so safe, so secure, so loved that nothing can touch me. I wish to reside there forever more, in that perfect serenity of knowing that everything is gonna be alright....
I care deeply about her, but I know it's not going to work out. She's an asexual. She feels romantic attraction, but none physical, not for men or women. She has no sexual desire towards anyone or anything beyond wanting to kiss me.
Sex isn't everything, I know. But I don't think I could go the rest of my life without having sex. Even if we made a compromise where I'm allowed to have sex with other people, I wouldn't be able to do it. I want her. But I can't ever have her.
I've never been so confused in my life. Either I stay with someone who I know will love me forever but I'll never be completely fulfilled, or I break her heart to be with someone who will surely break mine.
But i also can't imagine not being able to talk to you. I don't know if I could handle that, especially now when everything else is screwing up. I know I'm being selfish. I feel like a horrible person for putting you through this.
Another thing I was thinking about was why we could talk anymore without you getting upset and me crying. And I think, at least for me, it's that a part of me is so upset about not being able to be with you. So when we talk maybe it comes out. I don't really know. I'll try to work on that.
Anyway, I guess what this comes to is that I don't want to stop being your friend, but if that's what you want then I completely understand, and I'll respect that. Like I said you don't need me serving as a constant reminder.
You hit me last night. You slapped me hard across the face. Because I wanted you to. Because for some unknown reason I need to feel that kind of physical pain when I’m with you. I need to hurt the way I hurt while you hold me. So afraid of all of the things that could take you away from me.
I was drunk and I begged. I begged and I pleaded while I ran my fingers up the inside of your thigh and gripped the waist of your jeans. While I flipped the button lose and slid inside your breath catching slightly as my fingers wrapped around you.
You stopped me grabbed me and pulled me into your arms. You held me close to your chest and whispered “I’m so sorry” I wanted you to hit me. I wanted you to hurt me. “I don’t like to hurt you.” You said and we lay there in silence for a while.