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I've recently realized that I've only ever treated my feelings and emotions like problems to be solved instead of things to be validated. I always felt weak and exposed anytime my "negative" emotions came out, so I've always felt that I had to rationalize or do something about the associated situation in order to deal with them. I know that this is something I need to let go, but it's something I've been doing my whole life. Trying to give myself permission to just let my emotions be what they are is probably the hardest thing I've tried to do up to this point. It seems ridiculous just saying that, but I feel that it's true. It's always scary when someone knows about something going on with me, but I'm tired of being afraid to think for myself unabashedly.
I know this isn't something that will last forever. I can't let it anyways, not if I don't want to end up like one of those folks on Hoarders.
Emotions always tangled and become immobile. One who is closed within himself and too scared and untrusting is of need of help, quickly before he explodes, also within himself. One needs to expressively relate with another or soon the one won’t be able to relate properly to oneself. Watching one closing in on self destruction and self failure as I struggle to collapse a thick wall of untrust and uncertainty… and helplessness. Stress constantly on mind. Still (I’m) revolving primarily around stress but in a different way. It’s funny how people should act so strange towards somebody who spends a lot of their time caring and enveloping themselves in somebody else’s emotional needs.
I spent a lot of time with Kristy today and also Erin. Kristy’s boyfriend Derric came by. He was so worried about showing affection to Kristy with her mom and brother around. If a relationship is fixed on real love then showing that love is not affected, to the least, buy its surrounding dilemmas or circumstances.
Recently I've become lazy about numbing my emotions, and I paid for it. I let my emotions consume me. I didn't even realize I was letting it happen until it was too late. I got hurt and it's my own fault. So about a week ago I pushed all of my emotions back down. It's a hell of a lot easier not caring anymore. I can't get hurt if I don't care. I've detach myself from everything going on right now and I'm better able to deal with it. This is going to come back to bight me in the ass but, as of right now, I'm loving it.
I hate emotions. They cause way too much pain, disappointment, sadness. I try really hard not to show too much emotion. Emotions make you weak. I often try to remember the last time I truly laughed becasue I thought something was funny, and not because I thougt it was suppose to be funny. I don't consider myself a cold, heartless, bitch It just seems like it would be easier if I was. That way I wouldn't care about other people. I wouldn't care if I hurt their feelings. I wouldn't care if they hurt mine,but I do care and I don't allow myself to show it. So there are times when I just break down because I can't deal with it. Essentially, emotions suck.
Emotions are the cascade of human experience. They are placed on a scale, assigned words which are used to describe them according to their location on the scale. For many people, emotion is the ruling party of their interior struggle with life. The question that I find myself struggling with is, "How can these rather insignifigant emotions rule a persons life to the point such that they strive to be one over the other?"
I am not saying that it's a bad thing to be emotional, because we all get that way, well, many of us get that way. There is a difference in the mannerisms of each emotion that allows us to decide the consequence of the emotion. For example, confusion could be described as a sort of sadly happy emotion because you don't know what's going on. So, are emotions the dark allies that we creep down through our lives until death or are they the necessary links between human beings, the piece that allows us to understand and cope with each other's pressence. Are we bound to our emotions or are we simply bound to the thought of them?