I'm a private person, it's just my nature. When someone "finds me out"… it's disconcerting, and I think I get pissed about it.
It's not that I enjoy knowing something that others don't. It's not that I enjoy being "mysterious."
I don't want them to know me, to think they know me fully. The truth is scary. I'm hiding why I feel this way from myself. Just spent a few minutes thinking why I don't want people to come inside my mind.
If someone had a one-way tap to my thoughts, I'd be "found out." I'd be found wanting, and they wouldn't understand.
No one does. Not really. I always have to be someone for each person. I'm either the jokester, the pest, the freak, the babysitter, the ear… but no one is there for me. If they are, they wouldn't be the way I am for them. They're much too selfish.
I hate that about the people around me. Their selfish ways. The fact that I can't open up.
But I know it's my fault, not theirs. I know I built a tall wall around me, out of necessity. It's not going to come down. No one wants me to open up. No one gives a good god damn.