Selfish

I had one of those dreams again… where you were there. But I knew our time was running out. There was the usual chaos of details, that always seems to plague my dreams, but the premise was the same- you and your leaving. This time though, we were alone. We sat in an attic. It was early morning when you’d knocked on the front door- it always was. Your blue eyes were anguished and sad. You wanted to tell me about her- you always did. You told me you missed her, that you wanted to make it right- you had tried. But then, my eyes fluttered open because my heart remembered. You are dead. I told her I dreamt of you. I told her you missed her. I didn’t tell her how I miss you. The truth is, I feel like Atlas, trying to hold up the entire world, like I held your sister at your funeral. I’m exhausted and I’m angry. Angry that you died. Angry that I’ve always been the person everyone looked to for strength, advice, and comfort. Angry because I lost you too… We shared our bottles together, we were inseparable in childhood, you called me a day before the night you died- doesn’t that mean anything? I cannot post about you on social media without having to comfort your mom or sister in the comments section, with no reciprocity. I have no idea where to have space for you… even in my dreams I play the role of therapist. I know it is selfish of me, to be so angry… But I am angry because I wish someone would hold me too. I want to sob and scream and shatter into a million little pieces. I don’t want to have my shit together this time. I don’t want to be logical and empathic. I want to drown all the way to the bottom of this abyss you left… Because, maybe, if I find the bottom, you can’t float away. You can’t blend into the nothingness of the sky. Maybe if I find the bottom, I can say for certain that my pain is valid too. Maybe if I drown in it, my grief cannot be stolen… you cannot be ripped away from me anymore. I know it’s selfish- but I really miss you.

I want to have my cake and eat it too.

I'm being selfish, I know this, and yet I can't stop. I can't stop wishing that I was the only thing in your life. I can't stop being jealous of the other things that take up your time. I can't stop being upset when you're with other people and I'm not there. I can't quit thinking that you shouldn't have a life outside of me.

I know, I'm a terrible person. Don't worry, I hate myself for it.

9 hours until i begin my last exam. 4 hours until time is up.

at the end of those 4 hours, I will have officially completed my senior year of undergrad and my first year of law school. i feel like i have missed a year of my life by cramming so much into one school year.

on the bright side, i no longer feel that i am my grades. Yes, i'm going to be a wreck when i dont see all A's, or possibly any A's. But it wont kill me. i wont suddenly vanish, regardless of how welcome that would be.

unfortunately, although i finally believe that i'm not my grades, i've decided that i'm nothing. i'm not special, i'm not unique, i'm not even bland or boring. i'm not an in between. i'm not normal. i'm not my weight or my hair. i'm not my clothes or my friends or my job. i'm nothing and i do not matter. i'm just waiting for more people to recognize this crucial fact.

i had to ask a professor to present me at a ceremony before graduation. i thought he disliked me for 3 years. i thought he dreaded seeing me in class. i asked him anyways. he is what i thought of when i thought of college professors before i knew what college really was. i knew he would say something interesting even if it wasnt nice.

apparently, he's a big fan. i have a fan base. nice. but really, nothing is pretty nice. he asked how easily i embarass. i told him to give it his best shot. he asked if it was ok to mention my "bloody zombie prostitute halloween costume." i said of course, but i wasnt a zombie; i was a jack the ripper victim. i'm looking forward to his speech.

and then i graduate. but i'm not going anywhere. 2 more years, here, as i watch the people around me leave and grow and experience new things. when i think of it, my stomach knots and i feel the need to cut deeply. and the thought that i will stay here after law school is unbearable but i dont have a better plan.

one day after i graduate, i begin my summer job. i'll be helping a nonprofit firm in the family law division. domestic violence victims. hopefully it will offer some perspective.

I think I'm being selfish. I don't know when I got to this point. Whatever, I just need to get over it. I need to stop caring so much.

I hate needing you.

I hate that I let myself get so attached.

I hate that no matter what you say or do or don’t say or don’t do I’m still so attached. So much so that when you’re gone, when you slam the door and speed off my entire world stops. I can’t breathe. Forced to keep going while the whole worlds stopped.

I hate that the things you say matter to me.

I hate that you can unnerve me with a smile.

I hate the way you can pick up all of the pieces that make me, even the ones that don’t fit and somehow make me whole.

I hate that you can walk away.

I hate that you can still breathe and sleep and move when we fight and leave angry.

I hate worrying about what you may be doing and if you’re safe.

I hate how small how insignificant and beautiful and special you can make me feel.

I hate that I want you. That I can walk away from everything else from everyone else but it’s you that I can’t pull away from.

I hate that it’s easy for you.

I hate that you can’t hear me.

I hate that you can do things for me that you hate to do when I know I myself wouldn’t do them in return for you.

I hate the way my body responds to you or the way your smell lingers in a room.

I hate my willingness to change everything about me just to keep you around.

I hate your thoughtfulness or the way you call when I think about you.

I hate that you’ve stuck around so long.

I hate the way your eyes light up when you see me and

I hate that no matter how angry I am at you when I see you I smile. I always do weather you see it or not. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love so completely that nothing else matters. I wasn’t supposed to need someone so much that I forget everything else trying so hard to keep you close.

But I do. I don’t know how to show that and I don’t know how to say it and every time I feel that I get angry and I pull it all in.

I wasn’t supposed to feel so much for anyone or anything at all. I promised myself that a long time ago. I promised that I wouldn’t pull anyone else in because I knew I was deficient in this area. I knew I would need too much and not be able to ask for it. That I wouldn’t be able to give so much in return. I don’t understand any of it. A persons need to be close to another human being. To have that one person that they can share anything and everything with. That person who will love them regardless.

I’m too afraid of what I have inside. I’m too afraid of what’s going in my mind in my heart to open up completely. Too afraid to hurt them, to be hurt myself. Too afraid that everything I’ve built that has become who I am is nothing at all.

I thought in time you would see. I thought in time you would pick yourself up and leave me behind and everything would fall into a place of gray and be easy but now I can’t let you go. I can’t not love you. Dependant and everything I hate and I’m sorry.

I’m sorry you’re trapped here too. I try. I try so hard but there is so much I don’t understand. So much that seems so wrong to me, needing you so completely. Knowing you’re the only person on earth who knows me who really knows me.

Who says what I’m thinking with more confidence and grace. Who is the person everyone wishes to be. Strong and compassionate even if you you’re self don’t see it.

I sometimes wonder what It’ll be like when you finally do realize that you’re better off and I realized that there is nothing without you. You’ll leave and be just fine and I’ll be stuck still so dependant. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand love and everything it makes you say and think and feel.

I feel lost and alive all at the same time around you and I don’t know how to handle that. I don’t know how to show what I’m feeling and why and tell you that there is nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for you if you really asked me to. If you touched my cheek and brushed your lips against mine. I love you and it hurts. amd confuses me and turns me into someone else. A better person most of the time a monster the rest.