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I'm being selfish, I know this, and yet I can't stop. I can't stop wishing that I was the only thing in your life. I can't stop being jealous of the other things that take up your time. I can't stop being upset when you're with other people and I'm not there. I can't quit thinking that you shouldn't have a life outside of me.
at the end of those 4 hours, I will have officially completed my senior year of undergrad and my first year of law school. i feel like i have missed a year of my life by cramming so much into one school year.
on the bright side, i no longer feel that i am my grades. Yes, i'm going to be a wreck when i dont see all A's, or possibly any A's. But it wont kill me. i wont suddenly vanish, regardless of how welcome that would be.
unfortunately, although i finally believe that i'm not my grades, i've decided that i'm nothing. i'm not special, i'm not unique, i'm not even bland or boring. i'm not an in between. i'm not normal. i'm not my weight or my hair. i'm not my clothes or my friends or my job. i'm nothing and i do not matter. i'm just waiting for more people to recognize this crucial fact.
i had to ask a professor to present me at a ceremony before graduation. i thought he disliked me for 3 years. i thought he dreaded seeing me in class. i asked him anyways. he is what i thought of when i thought of college professors before i knew what college really was. i knew he would say something interesting even if it wasnt nice.
apparently, he's a big fan. i have a fan base. nice. but really, nothing is pretty nice. he asked how easily i embarass. i told him to give it his best shot. he asked if it was ok to mention my "bloody zombie prostitute halloween costume." i said of course, but i wasnt a zombie; i was a jack the ripper victim. i'm looking forward to his speech.
and then i graduate. but i'm not going anywhere. 2 more years, here, as i watch the people around me leave and grow and experience new things. when i think of it, my stomach knots and i feel the need to cut deeply. and the thought that i will stay here after law school is unbearable but i dont have a better plan.
I hate that no matter what you say or do or don’t say or don’t do I’m still so attached. So much so that when you’re gone, when you slam the door and speed off my entire world stops. I can’t breathe. Forced to keep going while the whole worlds stopped.
I hate that no matter how angry I am at you when I see you I smile. I always do weather you see it or not. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love so completely that nothing else matters. I wasn’t supposed to need someone so much that I forget everything else trying so hard to keep you close.
I wasn’t supposed to feel so much for anyone or anything at all. I promised myself that a long time ago. I promised that I wouldn’t pull anyone else in because I knew I was deficient in this area. I knew I would need too much and not be able to ask for it. That I wouldn’t be able to give so much in return. I don’t understand any of it. A persons need to be close to another human being. To have that one person that they can share anything and everything with. That person who will love them regardless.
I’m too afraid of what I have inside. I’m too afraid of what’s going in my mind in my heart to open up completely. Too afraid to hurt them, to be hurt myself. Too afraid that everything I’ve built that has become who I am is nothing at all.
I thought in time you would see. I thought in time you would pick yourself up and leave me behind and everything would fall into a place of gray and be easy but now I can’t let you go. I can’t not love you. Dependant and everything I hate and I’m sorry.
I’m sorry you’re trapped here too. I try. I try so hard but there is so much I don’t understand. So much that seems so wrong to me, needing you so completely. Knowing you’re the only person on earth who knows me who really knows me.
I sometimes wonder what It’ll be like when you finally do realize that you’re better off and I realized that there is nothing without you. You’ll leave and be just fine and I’ll be stuck still so dependant. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand love and everything it makes you say and think and feel.
I feel lost and alive all at the same time around you and I don’t know how to handle that. I don’t know how to show what I’m feeling and why and tell you that there is nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for you if you really asked me to. If you touched my cheek and brushed your lips against mine. I love you and it hurts. amd confuses me and turns me into someone else. A better person most of the time a monster the rest.