Thoughts

• Rambling, yarn twisted thoughts
• Being self-aware
• Stream of consciousness
• Meta thinking
• Thinking about your thinking
• Assessing your thought life
• Exercising your brain power like a muscle
• Letting your thoughts flow past you down a stream
• Meditation of the self
• Becoming a better version of yourself
• Striving to evolve

Here’s to understanding my strengths and weaknesses. May I never get a high head off of being “exemplary” or “exceptional.” I’m just another average human being, nothing more. May I be another version of myself 5 years from now.

When a thought pattern dominates your life, it begets words which begets attitudes which begets actions which begets a personality which begets a view of the bigger picture which will, ultimately, beget the life you end up leading. Thought patterns are like physical habits, so train them.

How crazy is it that a permanent breakup from a 7 year relationship is what it took to make me fully realize the things I see in my head? All I can say is that pain makes a person wiser. My boss' desk has a saying that I think puts it adequately: choose between the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. Let me suck up all the painful wisdom I can, and may I never go back to the person I was beforehand. Let me forever be a student in the hopes that someday I will be a worthy teacher.

And dammit, let me actually pull some motivation from a place where the sun doesn’t shine so I can pursue the interests that impact my thought life. Miniature assemblage and painting, Warhammer 40K strategy (Drukhari for the win), D&D, Vampire: the Masquerade, other gaming systems that I haven't learned about yet, musical discipline, crochet and knitting, painting and drawing, writing short stories (perhaps I will post some on Ether), tea, trivia, traveling, adventure and excitement, horror orgies, a growing desire for practicing vehicular stunts/maneuvers, mastery of a martial discipline that will allow me to be more trusting of my body, decorating spaces and making pleasing arrangements (from my own personal apartment to party planning), and just plain feel good activities like my old desires for running and biking (the feel good part is after the fact in those cases, of course). Finally, I’m going to revisit my bucket list and hope I’m not deterred from doing more of it this summer after my madness dies down. This is a time for me to be a little more selfish while trying to maintain some humility. Once again, yet another balance in the fold that is my life. I think my sister would be proud of me, fucking hell do I miss her to death.

This will not be poetic.

This will not be light or ethereal.

This will be what has been on my mind in recent times.

First and for most, death. My great grandmother died on friday.... I'm currently back in Indiana for the funeral and I'm sitting in on of my best friend's living rooms ganking their internet connection in order to surf the web and do my thing as he says. it's interesting. My presence here has gone completely unnoticed to point. I've been here for about 9 hours and no one has noticed me ... it's kind of awesome actually. We got in around 3 am and it's now a little after noon. So everyone was in slumbers when I arrived. People woke up before I did, doors were open, lights were on but I just moved through this creaky house without disturbing them from their studies I suppose. They also likely assumed me to be one of the residents of this house. Alas, I am not. I'm no longer a resident of the state for the most part.

Secondly, my boyfriend. The first monogamous relationship I've had in a while and I feel as though it's not going so well anymore. We spent all of Valentines Day arguing, picking little fights (mind you I thought this part was fun, because I like to argue and bicker on occasion, therefore I thought he was playing around as well), and then it evolved in to serious discussion that pushed me into so many memories of events from previous, destructive relationships. I don't know how or why but I started to shut down. When this happens I get really quiet and unresponsive. So I stared out the window of the L trying to gather my thoughts and put away my memories. Boy was apparently trying to get my attention, but I didn't notice because I was a little preoccupied attempting to deal with an issue in my head, which seemed more important than pushing myself further and further into a sort of situational depression. Well, boy did not respond well to this and I felt like my little world needed a quick fix so I had to meditate. I wasn't ignoring him as he thought, I was just trying to prevent a scene. So, when we got back he went to his place and I went to mine and as soon as we finished our respective duties, he texted me and I went over to his place to talk about what had happened. It was really hard for me got make it though that conversation without being crazy. So we entertained a mature discussion and it ended with me feeling like we needed to talk more but I was all talked out for then so he fell back into his usual pattern. I just think it's weird for someone to tell me I'm beautiful, that I'm apparently amazing, and that he plans to keep me for now and then make me feel like shit. I love the boy, but I'm not in love with him. When I tell him that I love him, I simply mean to convey that i care for him very much, then the tells me he loves me, but he doesn't love way that he things of love. That was another part of our discussion. It just makes me wonder about his feelings for him. He says he cares for me very much, but when he we get into these discussions I can't help but to wonder about that. So I talked to my friend Kate and she told me that "It's obvious that he likes you a lot but it seems like you make more of an effort to see him than he does to see you." Which often seems true. I just would like, one time, for him to call me and say "Hey, I want to take you out on a real date. We'll go out for dinner and hang out, just the two of us." But it's usually, "Hey, do you want to come over and hang out?" Then I get there and we're hanging out with the guys, which I don't mind it's just that sometimes I would like to have more than an hour or so to ourselves. Because in that hour we'll have sex and than we have to put our cloths back on and be cordial.

I don't know.... but it seems like I'm confused.

Has anyone else noticed the thoughts to thinkers ratio? This self proclaimed "philosophical garden" seems to be lacking some in the thought department 1199 to 105 ban together and think people! For I grow board of this provoke a thought from me!!! Please someone make me think again!