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i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
It seems my sadness echos forward through years, and I start too absorb it each time September ends. Perhaps this is a coping mechanism, shoving pain forward, unintentionally, through time, to be spread out among ten or twenty of me. So as not to break the one existing immediately after the loss.
I should have a six-year old in addition to a four-year old, but I don't. The four-year-old is amazing, and a large part of my world, because I am his world, and our worlds, when combined, make a wonderful place. But I can't forget the older half-sibling. December, January, the absence is unignorable.
Perhaps it wouldn't be as bad if i knew I'd be able to have another. Ideally I will, but.. life. I don't know that I'll be financially or mentally capable, never mind finding someone who wants to conceive and raise a child with me. Or at least donate some damn sperm. Especially since my recent experiences have made it extremely difficult to trust men, never mind love them. If I knew I'd have the opportunity? Maybe this would be easier.
Maybe not, though. The less I believe true romantic love, the wonder that keeps the stars apart, the more I doubt everything. I'll survive, I'll be alright, but things will forever be an aching hole (shhhh) or holes.
I had a friend with me, yes, and it helped. Not as much as it could have, they were a few steps along the path to sexual self-discovery, and since I was the one who gave them 'permission' to go down that path, I heard a hell of a lot of sexual thoughts on the way to and from the ceremony. Normally not something that bothers me, and it didn't bother me at first, but eventually I had to ask them to shush. As for the ceremony itself.. that friend took me because the father wouldn't give me a ride, and I didn't have a functioning car. The father took the presence of the friend, who happened to be male, to mean that the friend might have potentially been the father. He wasn't, there was no way. But it further drove a divide that still bothers me almost six years later. Bothers me because it's based on untrue assumptions, and because I don't like those divides, even when I'm the one who realizes they're necessary, and I start them.
Woe, woe, etc.
I wish I knew of some way to bring peace to your heart but grief never really goes away, it just evolves over time. I hope that having someone there with you that day they put him/her to rest at least brought you some modicum of comfort.