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I used to have friends I would get together and drink with, but then I moved away and had drink I would drink to feel better about having no friends to drink with. And, since then, I have moved once more and can't drink for fear it will kill my unborn baby's brain cells.
I don't need lovers. They turn into ghosts. I don't need sponsors. They make me want to use. I don't need relatives. They impose and take, suck you dry. I don't need acquaintances, they make me feel more alone than if I were in a room by myself. I need actual, true friends. I don't know that I've ever had a friend that wasn't also a user, or a lover, or both.
I have never lost as many friends as I did last year. Facing my problems head-on didn't work. Running away isn't an option, because I am incapable. I am not a sneaky person, I really don't know what to do. Except drink. That won't fix this. Why do you keep crippling me? Why can't you be honest? I'm trying, god damn it. I'm coming to terms with myself. And you. Your opinion of me will never be meaningless. Until I'm dead. Or in some kind of coma. Stupid, happy and numb.
Recently I have made a new friend. I make alot of new friends, and I meet new people often. My problem lies in the fact that with each and every person I meet, I find myself enthralled with them. I adore them, I want to know them deeply, share their life dreams and secrets. I fall for all of them. I think this is because I am such a compassionate and just plain passionate person that I can find something beautiful and amazing in everyone. But this new friend of mine, things are different somehow. I adore them completely. I want to know them deeply and share alot of my time with them. I find them fascinating and interesting. But there is something else there, something I have not got from anyone else. This person unknowningly fufilled something for me. Something I needed desperately.
I am on here to be anonymous but I think I am not so. Yet here I sit still telling you all of this. Maybe because I do not know if I could do this in person. Which is odd because I am very open and honest, to the point of being blunt, about my thoughts and emotions.
And here is the part where I flip out thinking that you will think of me as insanse or even obsessive. That you will write me off. Is that even something you would do? I do not know you well but I don't think it is.
I'd like some feedback on something.
We already kind of lost ourselves in the moment and fooled around, then came the emotional confessions of how we've had feelings for each other, etc. And it's like she's perfect, all the things I've been complaining that I wish I had in a woman on Ether, and I just didn't acknowledge it before.
I have a friend. I used to want her to be more than a friend. But finally, now I think I can almost say I love her. Lust is something that gets in the way of love, I've realized. Maybe I need to dissociate love and sex? I guess that would make me more like another friend, who is a person I'd wish I was if I didn't have a penis. I wrote a song about her. And about lust. And about post-apocalyptic fucking.
I always thought you would be there for me when I needed you. But apparently, I was wrong. We have gone our separate ways And I do not know if we will ever get on the same path again. I had everything planned in my mind how things would be. Now, things have changed, and plans have been thrown away. You will never know how I feel because you cannot get past yourself. You say things, but I cannot take you seriously. You come off as hypocritical. You want things to change, but you will not take the time to change them. You say that time is limited to you, and you do not know how to spend it the right way. I see where you put your time, and for a long time, it has not been in our friendship. Our friendship is what kept me going at this school. It is what kept a smile on my face when the world seemed crazy. Day by day, I feel us growing apart. I want to stop it, but I realize that it is not I who has the power to, but you. You have more power than you realize. You need to be yourself and stop putting on a mask for the world. I feel like I have been the constant in our friendship. I have never changed. I am the same now as I was six months ago. You, on the other hand, are not. I never thought you would change. Maybe you did not change. Maybe I saw the “real” you for the first time. I valued our friendship with all my being. I thought you did too, but I realized not as much as I do. You know my history, and you know that past friends have betrayed me. I just never thought that you would become like the very people in my life that betrayed me.
shes a great person.