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I often wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Like why do I tend to be so outwardly trusting of people, but internally I'm suspicious and viewing them negatively. What does that say about me? I know I've gone through some very negative head spaces, but I didn't think it was bad. I still have my walls up to some extent, keeping myself from becoming a waterfall of emotional baggage to dump on someone. I'm afraid it'll push them away, that any connection I might have formed with someone is gone in an instant because of it. Because I let go and gave in to a moment with someone, or even gave in after multiple moments and time spent with a person...I let my wall down and where did it get me? Damaged, and even less trusting of people, yet I still go out with people, I'm somehow making connections with people and they never seem to last, never seem fulfilling, never feel safe.
I'm beginning to wonder how long I can keep this up. Living with someone who has broken my trust so many times. My chest feels numb sometimes when I look at the one I love. When I lay down beside him I wonder how many things I still don't know. If the secrets will ever stop. And after so long I wonder what's real.
I think I can tell that my life is okay, based on the fact that there are only two people in this world I will never fully trust again. Only two people I have come very close to hating, but ended up feeling sorry for. Their loss, really.
One, is the most twisted-up drama-fueled girl I have ever met. I will never trust her enough to let her back into my life. I will never trust her to confide in me, lest her problems take over my life again. I worked so hard to fix her, when she wanted to be broken. I stayed with her through it all, and in the end, it was her that stopped talking to me. She works so hard to maintain the illusion that anyone who sees the "real" her will be driven away. I'm not even sure she knows who the real her is.
The other person who lost my trust forever is a male, and for very good reason. When someone is unsure, you're supposed to say "It's okay, we'll wait til you're ready." Not, "It's okay, you know you want to, just do it." I realized that every time I said "no" in any form, he'd work on me again, until he caught me by surprise and I couldn't say anything. I feel violated and hurt, and guilty and so very very MAD. I don't want him to touch me. He's leaving for Ukraine for two years, and I didn't want to hug him goodbye, and he's the one hurt? He doesn't understand what he did. I hope my best friend finds a new boyfriend while he's gone, because I don't trust him not to hurt her too.
But, for these two people who I will never trust, I have a plethora of people I would give my life for. Some, I haven't seen in years, and I would still give anything for them. They've earned their trust by putting up with me. For being their for me, and letting me be there for them. That's what trust is about. You can't always be the one catching others when they fall or you'll eventually be flattened. You've got to pray they won't drop you sometimes.
And there is one person, I would trust to catch me every time. One person who asked every step of the way, and respected my decisions. One person, who, unfortunately, is moving to New Zeland for two years, and has downgraded us to "friends."
And now, the person I don't trust? Myself. "What did I do wrong?" "Why me?" Well, maybe I just needed to learn that not every person I meet is worthy of trust. I know the warning signs now, and hopefully I'll make it to the escape hatch next time. And now I know, the only people worthy of my deepest trust, are those who are willing to wait for it.
Man, I was just thinking about trust, and how it's so dangerous to be a generally trusting person. But man, what kinda life is it to go around all paranoid about every person you meet? I mean, I know they can potentially be pretty fucked up, but you gotta develop a way to gauge that. This just makes me kinda sad on a philosophical level is all.
It's great knowing that I don't really matter to you. Really, I'm just there to fill the void until she comes back. I guess I knew this would happen. I just didn't want to accept it. When will I learn to stop trusting people so much. It happens every time. I allow someone to get close to me,and then I get hurt. I feel like I'm in the middle of some fucked up game. "how much can we make her bleed before she's drained." Congratulations, you're winning.