Giveandtake

she has observed on numerous occasions, much to her disdain, that you don't take as much as you'll dish out.

in the game of jokey insults that seems to characterise friendship, you'll play as hard as anybody, but when they sling one at you it stings, even though you know they don't mean it. you get a little defensive, and that's what she hates.

and that's what I wanted to say the other day, when we walked by the lake and my brain completely blanked this one important thought.

I do it too. kinda. I don't play rough except with my closest few, I'm terrible at insulting people. so for the most part nobody gives me any, but when they do it stings. even though I know they're just being friendly. and instead of getting defensive like you do, I shrink and smile apologetically like a kicked dog, and they feel awkward and say 'hey I don't mean that you know' and of course I know that, but they've already made the mental note that I'm too fragile to play with, and I assume she hates this in me too.

maybe this thing is one of the reasons we both find making friends so difficult. and that's why I wanted to tell you, so we could puzzle it out together.

I've thought about showing you this place. but it's so personal for me, maybe you'd see something you don't like and I'd be on my own again. I don't know if you're ready to see my paranoia in all its horrible insecure glory. if you ever will be, if I could ever do that to you.

it's a terrible thing to know your friends are crazy.

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For what my two cents in worth, I think it would be awesome to know my friends are crazy. Genuinely, certifiably-nuts crazy. For some reason, I feel like we all hold our own special brand of craziness inside -- and even those people who appear completely with it and put together and invincible are likely just hiding their insecurities better than the rest of us. If I knew my friends were crazy, I feel like I'd be more comfortable around them, not the other way around. I feel like we'd be able to share and relate more. I feel like they'd be more real because they'd be letting me see a side of them that most humans never feel comfortable sharing with anyone else. Paranoia and guilt and obsessions and fears, even irrational ones, are all deeply rooted in the human psyche (and probably even basic biological brain function, to an extent). Even deeper still is the drive to be "normal" and fit in with others -- humans are social creatures. The fear of being ostracized for an inherent personal flaw is not an easy one to overcome, that's for sure.

If I knew you, you could tell me you were a nutcase and I'll I'd have to say was "Right on! Join our club!" I'm totally convinced that if more people would just own up to how they really felt inside, nobody would have to feel alone.

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