Guilt

I knew that I wanted him the first time he smiled at me. But I'm married, and he's way out of my league, so I wrote it off as a fleeting crush.

Then he kept coming around. Every time I expected him to step back, he shared a part of himself with me that made me want to keep pulling him closer. He seemed interested and curious and didn't expect anything of me. He moved and watched his surroundings in a way that made me feel safe - like that hyper vigilant danger oriented part of my brain could take a rest when he's around.

The first time we hugged, I melted into his arms a bit. He looked at me, a little surprised, and said, "You're different. I like that."

For months, I tried to convince myself that I wasn't the type to cheat but each step closer to him felt like a win. Time with him met some deep need that I'd forgotten I had. I tried to believe that I wasn't going to cross that line. There are so many thoughts in my mind that I'm afraid to dwell on because they feel like making excuses.

I just wanted him in a way I didn't know I could want a person. I wanted to know all of him. And the whole time I didn't know if he was actually interested or just being friendly. After months of pretending and hesitating and hoping, I leaned my head on his shoulder as we sat on his couch.

"It can be just between us," he said softly while moving his hand up my thigh. That's when I knew I wanted this more than I wanted to be loyal. Within minutes I was begging to feel him inside me.

That was the first time.

"What are we doing?", he asked, weeks later.

I knew what he meant but wasn't ready to answer. He had used words like genuine and thoughtful to describe me, and I didn't want him to think less of me. He knew I was married. But if I didn't tell him anything about my relationship then he could believe I was somehow justified. The reality is much less flattering to me. I'm just doing what I want in spite of who it could hurt.

One time a girl thanked me for continually treating her "like a worthy human being," but I was pretty much just trying to have sex with her.

I was supposed to go to my friend's birthday dinner tonight.

I thought we were leaving an hour later than we actually were.

I didn't have enough time to do anything before running to the train, so I told them to go ahead without me.

He sounded so disappointed on the phone, and HE apologized.

I'm so sorry.

I cried when I called my best friend to tell her.

I almost feel guilty, because I take a bittersweet sort of happiness from knowing that someone who was once my best friend and used to be in my band will not be able to play in a concert next month, that she was looking forward to. But fuck it. She shouldn't've left the band. And she ain't gettin' back in, either. Normally, I'd be more remorseful due to this type of feeling, but this is what we call "karma."