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i feel like there is something inherently wrong with me and it will always destroy everything. i am incapable of hurting people, i don't want to see anyone else suffer even if not hurting her is killing me. i can't open up to anyone. i've never had a real, true best friend that's lasted more than a year or so. i'm incapable of getting close enough that i could be truly hurt.
i learned young not to let them see me hurt. if i had no emotions then they couldn't push me over the edge. if they didn't know they were breaking me with every word and every touch then they weren't really breaking me and i could pretend to be happier longer.
i've always been the fun friend, the party buddy. always up for a drink and that frightens the shit out of me. drinking away the pain isn't working anymore. i've realized the chinks in my armor. i've become more measured even when i'm drunk. i stay in control always. careful to select the words and careful to measure their meaning before i say them. every now and then i slip up, but i just laugh it off and no one seems to notice.
i want to open up. i want to be loved as myself not as the fun one with all the cool stuff. i think i'm working on getting there but i'm stuck. this is the part of me that is broken. the part that is supposed to be able to go further than a surface level, easy going friendship. it's missing from my person.