Boy

the boy and i are having a fight and it lends itself well to sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee, listening to introspective-type music.

he ims me out of the blue. "you there?" yes i am. "how are you feeling?" shitty. because you don't want to talk to me, i called you to make up and you told me you wanted to be left alone.

and the shins sing "two loose kites falling from the sky" and it sounds like home.

honey take care of the children. make them do as they're told.

i miss jess. she's never around and i feel like she's maybe still angry with me for what the boy did to her. it's easier for me to overlook his cruelty when it isn't directed at me. now it's impossible to ignore, he's doing things that he knows will hurt me and he's doing them intentionally.

i'm finally in a place where i'm starting to be able to take care of myself. i have an apartment waiting to be moved into, i'm budgeting, sort of, i'm being good about taking my meds and asking for help when i need it. but i'm getting nowhere with him. he's stubbornly stuck in his way of ignoring me when i reach out to him.

it's getting frustrating. i don't know what to do anymore. i'm starting to feel like a constant disappointment and it hurts because i know i'm giving more than he thinks i'm giving.

I didn't really know where I wanted to put this thought at first. My thoughts ranged from 'sorry' to 'imissyou' to a few other things, but then I decided he's a boy who I've come to adore and this general thought of 'boy' usually has a negative thing surrounding it.

However, I like mine... I like mine quite a lot, despite the fact that he makes me crazy, I like him. He's very sweet to me, frequently attempting to anticipate my needs or figure out what it is I'm wanting to hear. He doesn't always get it, but sometimes he does. This last weekend I went to visit him up North. As soon as I was off the train, I was looking around for him. He was right there, and not a moment later, I was in his arms. That perfect moment, first kiss in a month, and a good-old-fashion poke in the nose from me to him. I was so happy. I hadn't been so happy in a long time. That night he and I were talking, lying in bed together, and relaxing when he looked at me and said, "******, you make me happy." To know that I mad him happy was enough...more than enough to make me happier. I must have been glowing the whole weekend.

Unfortunately because he works nights, our schedules didn't quite mesh up wonderfully but we did spend a lot of time together. I went to bed late and he woke up early. Meanwhile I was able to study for my exam today as well as get to know his mother and youngest brother better. I also got to meet his sister and her boyfriend for the first time. They are all such wonderful people. I enjoy them very much.I think that's a good thing...and they seem to like me too, so yey! I can't think of many boy friend's parents that have actually liked me or that my parents were overly fond of....but my parents like this boy...

I like him a lot....

He's good for me over all...even though he pushes my patience to the last straw with his incessant insistence that we be late every where we go or just not understanding certain relationship protocol that I am a fan of and would like him to learn. But that's okay, no one's perfect :)

that boy... that mother fucking boy... why do I even bother to talk to him? I'm not going to after tonight. That's it. I'm never talking to him ever again. I haven't for a year and I won't for another, and another, and another.

I don't want to like him. I don't want to be drawn to him every time we're in the same room. I don't want to blush when he says something cute. Hell, I don't want to think the things he is saying are cute!

But as my roommate said, "I don't think we get much choice in the matter..."

Damn.