Erik

i'm wary to post this because i'm sure you'll read it.

i don't understand what is so appealing about me. you love me when i try to hurt you. you love me when i'm psychotic, drunk and on drugs. you love me laughing and you love me crying.

you're beautiful and interesting, you tell me.

that's a new one. i've been smart, funny, but never interesting. why do you like me, you say. because you're compassionate. and willing.

i can't imagine you being so much like your brother. i can't imagine you being so violent or so... as bad as you make him sound. i can't even imagine your voice sounding like his. it's so innocuous, so sweet and careful when you talk.

i want you to realize i'm just too crazy and you're just too sweet. but you agree. you agree with most everything i say (she says you're a puppy dog. i agree) and do you really like most everything i like? even erik is something i came up with. why? i don't get it.

i'd rather imagine you mean, i decided. because then i wouldn't feel so manipulative. i'd rather you be hot tempered and prone to fits of mental illness.

maybe that's part of why i like you so much. maybe you are just as manipulative as i am, and i admit, for a long time i felt manipulated. i still wonder sometimes, with all our elaborate or heavy handed plotting, are you going to turn it around on me? i see that mean streak and try my damndest to bring it out of you.

thinking about you makes me feel disjointed, deceptive. nothing ever comes out right.